I am in awe of my daughter. Kate turned 15 today and I just so love the person she is and will continue to grow into. I can’t even be concerned that this might just come across as a mother bleating on about how fabulous her daughter is because that would make her feel good about herself. Because it genuinely isn’t that. Kate has so much to teach me. She just has an innate sense of self beyond her years, an innate sense of fairness, a kindness that is true, she is compassionate, she is incapable of untruths, she will never let anyone down, she is a friend to all, she forgives those who are unkind, she has no need for all to like her, she is who she is and will not compromise her ideals, her sense of fairness for anyone, even if it hurts her, she has a true grasp on her ego, she puts others before herself, she allows them to be who they are, she sees the good in all, she genuinely celebrates others success and talent without ever feeling what about me. My friends know how I worry a tad that she has no competitive edge, and she doesn’t. But that’s my stuff. She has no desire to prove she is better than anyone else, to prove she is good enough, because she is already so secure in who she is. She is noble and kind and stylish, filled with grace and never-ending dignity. She is bright, she is cheeky, she is ambitious but not greedy, she talks back, she has a twinkle, a naughty and fabulous sense of humour, she has a wonderful ability to laugh out loud, she is argumentative and yes a tad disdainful and dismissive of her parents and her sister, but appropriately so, with a love for us that oozes out her pores. I am so proud and so in awe of my daughter. I hope one day I grow up to be just like her.
Monthly Archives: July 2012
one hundred and eighty two
I am grateful for a beautiful sunset on the beach and for that unexpected moment when two glistening dolphins decide to surf some gentle waves right near the shore. And to B for going to Sydney next week so we had to have Kate’s family birthday dinner a night early. I am grateful for unexpectedly perfect timing and silver linings.
one hundred and eighty one
14 July I was blown away by Fratellini’s at Sunshine beach today. They hosted Kate and 20 of her friends for her 15th birthday celebration, with no adult present. I am grateful for how they went out of their way to make her night special with no input from me. I am grateful because I so wanted her to be made a fuss of but I was absolutely forbidden by her to do anything. And she loved it. The ‘no fuss’ I mean. Oh and I’m grateful B and I like Sam. Trust Kate to find a fabulous respectful, intelligent, well spoken, ambitious, rugby union playing, gorgeous, family loving boy. I love that she is still young enough to love that we think he’s cool too.
one hundred and eighty
one hundred and seventy nine
I got swept off my feet this afternoon. Literally. I fell down the stairs at the cinema complex near the coffee club. Converse are not good in the wet. I landed on my coccyx and slid down three for four stairs before coming to a pathetic halt. I couldn’t move. Even though every part of my being was telling me to get up. I couldn’t. Of course there were heaps of people in the coffee club. Most too embarrassed for me to offer any help. One lovely lady ran to me and the young boy behind (pardon the pun) the counter asked if I wanted an ice pack. I had to smile. It was one of those moments you think can’t really be happening, but fuck it was so sore, there was no doubt it had. So that is why tonight I am very grateful for the black pepper and clove heat pack I bought only this week, especially for muscular pain. Who knew.
sprung
I have a friend to thank for much sobbing today. I spent an extended morning with her kinesiologist/naturopath who made me truly acknowledge some things. To understand me a bit better. Well he helped me to start to access what I already knew. In my subconscious. My main motivation for going to see him was wanting to wean myself off these damn mood stabilisers, without harming my children or B. I am definitely off balance (in the gentle sense of the words, I am not off my rocker. yet) and needed help getting my balance back preferably without chemicals. In essence continuing the journey being here started which is giving me the chance, the ability to deal with the cause of my disease, not just to focus on the cure. For the incurable. Without any prompting he accessed words like disappearing, anonymous, alien, loss of mojo, abandonment, different, disempowered from me. It was quite unsettling. And a theme you would have come to be familiar with if you had been part of my oversharing. But he knew nothing about me. Nothing. I have self effacingly spoken a lot about avoidance as a strategy, my coping mechanism to deal with change, which all manifests itself in my need to control. See Lianne, everything is ok. I’ve always convinced myself that knowing I did this, acknowledging it and laughing at it, meant it was not an issue. But, someone’s not buying it. So, it seems it’s time to lift the lid on the I’m coping, I’m strong, I’m able melodrama. Shit.
one hundred and seventy eight
I am grateful for new discoveries. I suffer from mild claustrophobia, which manifests itself mostly in my preference for aisle seats in the movies, and for the need to spread my toes. Often. And the inability to wear bed socks or even closed fluffy slippers. Which usually means I have cold feet. Until my most successful online purchase … I love and am so grateful for my only wear at home sock boots things. So not me but so me.
one hundred and seventy seven
I never ever took my wedding ring off. Except for surgery and I’d never had any prior to my two caesarians. Not elective (not really sure why I felt the need to add that but I suspect there’s a blog in there somewhere). Anyway, when our daughters were born B wore my ring on his baby finger. And then during all my breast cancer treatments, and he still does because the chemo and ongoing medication has led to swollen joints so my ring doesn’t fit anymore. He has never taken it off from the moment he put it on for safekeeping. I am grateful for the feeling I felt this morning as my glance settled on B’s hand. I think it’s called love.
chuckle
I had a chuckle at myself today. It took all I had in me not to “client service” a meditation/discussion I went to. What is it with me and the need to make everyone at ease. There was an uncomfortable pause begging to be filled (by me) as we milled around waiting to be seated. And once seated. And thats when I chuckled. When I realised I didn’t have to. I didn’t need to make anyone feel anything. Why me. Old habits die hard. So we all sat there in uncomfortable silence until the buddhist nun gently led the discussion. It was uncomfortable, it wasn’t just me needing to fill silence. But I guess thats the point. Uncomfortable is ok. I am slowly getting that it is not up to me to try and make things better. My idea of better. I cannot control anything but my own response. I love that today it was a chuckle.
one hundred and seventy six
Apparently I never put my feet up. I’m alway busy doing something even if its actually nothing (now thats a thought worthy of much discussion over many glasses of red wine). Anyway, I think its that relentless participation thing I suffer from. But I am getting better. I am. Today I put my feet up. Only because they looked so pretty. I’m not a colour on my toes kind of girl. I think it’s because I’m not good at maintenance. I’m too busy relentlessly participating. So today I am grateful for a wonderful hours indulgence and my pretty toes.








