As I sat in the traffic today, having left home at 6.45 am in order to be at the clinic for my PET scan at 8 am (over an hour to travel less than 10kms), I thought I am so grateful this is no longer my reality. But then Darren Simpson aka Whackhead of 94.7 (yes, I am a 94.7 fan and am old enough not to care to admit it) shared a prank call which had me in hysterics. And all the commuters around me. On we all continued in the traffic but now smiling. Then I spotted this wonderful character juggling in the road, full of smiles and laughs for a rand or two. So, today I am grateful for being able to see and enjoy the beautiful moments whilst doing the mundane. And for the wonderful energy that is africa.
I met a lovely lovely lady today. Bridget. She did my wax at Life Day Spa. I am grateful for the feeling of pure indulgence of simply being there, but the wonderful gift of the time with this unique presence was completely unexpected. She has had personal experience with HIV and much tragedy in her family. At 26 she has lived through a lifetime of tough and harsh experiences, yet her energy is light and free and fun. She is kind and so very very wise. We talked nonstop. I felt so much, but I also gratefully, never felt a thing.
Is it wonderful to be home? It’s wonderful to be with my family. But it feels more and more like a holiday than a trip home. If being with your parents is being home, then yes it is wonderful to be home, but what is home? Is it where you live? Is it where your heart is? Is it where your children are? Is it a feeling? Or is it just an idea? For me it’s all of these things. The first words when we arrived were, is it nice to be home? But as much as this is where I was born, where my parents are, where my brother and his family are and will always be a part of me, it’s not my home anymore. I have wonderful memories of my life here, of my childhood, of growing up, of making mistakes, of learning, of building myself and my career, of falling in love and starting and growing a family, of illness and wonder. All within the wonderful warm embrace of my loving family and caring friends. And that is all with me no matter where I am. But I am now so much a visitor here, four years is a very long time. I look for the familiar and find it and love it, because it makes me belong. But there is so much that is new, or rather that has just moved on, that I am not part of anymore. And that used to scare me but now it doesn’t. It just is. And that’s reassuring. That it doesn’t scare me anymore, I mean. I am always mindful of those I love who still live here, who would rather I said, yes this is still home. But I know that they would rather I embraced where I am and looked forward not backwards. I wrote before that I now know that we can be anywhere and this trip so far has confirmed that. This is so present, yet it feels like my past. And I don’t mean that I want to leave it behind because it is also still my present and always will be within me, but it’s not home. It’s a place I used to feel at home. But I don’t live here anymore.
Today was a big day. We sold our house over a year ago, yet we have continued to receive bills for water and lights, rates and taxes. Despite our best efforts and those of our conveyancing attorneys. Today I spent the morning at the Johannesburg municipal offices. I wish I could say I was grateful for the petty bureaucrats I had the misfortune to deal with. I wish I could say I was grateful for the wonderful attitude of what can we do to help I was met with. But I can’t. But I am grateful for the lady before me. She understandably let her frustration get the better of her. Grateful because I saw the effect it had. Grateful because that used to be me. The futility of it all. So today I am grateful I was able to calmly communicate my intention not to go anywhere until I had received some form of resolution. Which I did.
Lynn and I can chat and chat and chat. And chat. Over numerous glasses of wine and numerous cups of coffee. We can laugh, we can cry, we can advise, we can tease, we can lecture, we can listen. Nothing ever gets in the way, not even jet lag or a stiff neck or much needed sleep. I am very blessed and extremely grateful to have a sister-in-law who is always there, who truly gets me, who is so much like me, who cares enough to disagree with me, who cares enough to know what is needed, who is a friend but so much more. Today and always, I am grateful for Lynn, my other sister.
I had the worst day yesterday. I saw my oncologist, my breast cancer surgeon, my radiologist, my gynaecologist. I had a mammogram, an ultrasound, a bone density check, blood tests, a gynaecological internal and then some, I was examined, prodded and pricked from head to toe. I sat for three hours amongst all the new and existing chemo patients at the Donald Gordon, filled with compassion and a desire to tell them all it would be alright, even though for some it wouldn’t be and what they should know, and then filled with nausea at the smells and the memories, the tears and the fear. I sat in virtually the very same chair that I remember B said he saw the realisation of what had happened and was going to happen finally dawn on me. As I waited for my first taste of adriamycin, aka the red devil, the penny dropped and I nearly ran for my life. I would have if he hadn’t put a steadying hand on me. I sat there yesterday, overwhelmed by it all. I saw all these people sitting with their support teams, but you can immediately see who is in treatment, just by their eyes. It is a lonely journey. I wish everyone who is on it the inner strength to see it through and the ability to see the love that is around them. I had the worst day, but also the best day, because I felt different. I felt like an observer.
Today I am overflowing with gratitude. I am so grateful for my family, for every single one of them, those here and those not, for every little moment today and last night, for the roses, for the chocolates, for the steers ribs, for the laughs, for the hugs, for the fruit chutney niknaks, for the non stop chatter, for the coffee, for the rusks, for the care, for the time, for the ‘anything can be said at this table’ dinner conversation, for the love we all share. Just for being here.