sprung

I have a friend to thank for much sobbing today. I spent an extended morning with her kinesiologist/naturopath who made me truly acknowledge some things. To understand me a bit better. Well he helped me to start to access what I already knew. In my subconscious. My main motivation for going to see him was wanting to wean myself off these damn mood stabilisers, without harming my children or B. I am definitely off balance (in the gentle sense of the words, I am not off my rocker. yet) and needed help getting my balance back preferably without chemicals. In essence continuing the journey being here started which is giving me the chance, the ability to deal with the cause of my disease, not just to focus on the cure. For the incurable. Without any prompting he accessed words like disappearing, anonymous, alien, loss of mojo, abandonment, different, disempowered from me. It was quite unsettling. And a theme you would have come to be familiar with if you had been part of my oversharing.  But he knew nothing about me. Nothing. I have self effacingly spoken a lot about avoidance as a strategy, my coping mechanism to deal with change, which all manifests itself in my need to control. See Lianne, everything is ok. I’ve always convinced myself that knowing I did this, acknowledging it and laughing at it, meant it was not an issue.  But, someone’s not buying it. So, it seems it’s time to lift the lid on the I’m coping, I’m strong, I’m able melodrama. Shit.