tick tock

Today’s the day it happened. Today’s the day my baby grew up. Tonight was the first time Jem spent her evening in her room, rather than lying on the other couch in the lounge with me. Or watching tv in the tv room while cuddling Jayde. Tonight she was in her room with the door closed. For the first time. With peals of laughter and much chatting going on. Without us. With boys and girls from her grade. I had to agree to her downloading Skype because all her friends have and because she’s never nagged me for anything. She’s graciously accepted my no’s to facebook and a mobile phone. But mostly because I’m ok with it. Skype that is, as long as my rules of whom and when are followed. But as much as I like to think it’s all on my terms, the fact is she spent the evening in her room. For the first time ever. With the door closed. I did pop in from time to time, as you do. But mostly, I just let her be.


one hundred and six


Between homework, facebook, instagram, tumblr, skype I never ever get a look in after dinner these days. So today I’m grateful for an unexpected treat, Kate cuddling up to me on the couch. And no, it’s not because Bondi Rescue came on as she wandered past.  Oh, ok it might be. Anyway who cares, I’ll gratefully take what I get.


Is it just me? Is it just me who lashes out when they mean to do the opposite. Who pushes away when they want to be held? Who gets angry when they are really just sad? B has stayed behind in South Africa for a month. I said I was okay with it, because I am. But I’m also not. I hate him not being here. I joke that I never signed up to be a single mom, and it is a joke. Sort of. I am better at everything when he is here. I am okay with it because I now know I can cope with most things I may have to encounter. I am okay with it, because we need me to be. And I will make the most of it, as will he. And I will find the moments to remind me of how blessed I am, how blessed we are, and it will be okay. But just for tonight I’ll blame extended jet lag, late nights, sunday night blues, not speaking to B for a while for my sadness, and for me being tired of having to be okay.

one hundred and three


I am very grateful for the spontaneous hug I was given by my newly 16 year old niece. I love our irreverent relationship, I love her sense of humour, I love that she gives back as good as she gets but I especially love that she can still cuddle like a 6 year old. And that she likes to cuddle me.

one hundred


24 April. I am grateful for the feeling on entering our apartment after 20 odd hours travel. From the flight from Cape Town to Johannesburg to the flight from Johannesburg to Sydney to the flight from Sydney to Brisbane to the car transfer to Noosa, arriving home here felt like heaven. Especially after dumping our 70+kgs of luggage. Also grateful no airport officials had a problem with my 30 wraps, 50 necklaces, one years supply of Zoladex implants and Femara tablets also included. What was I thinking.

ninety nine


23 April. We had a stopover in Jhb en route to Sydney. I am very grateful my family came to see us off. Mostly I am grateful for the pinches Anna gave Granny to make her smile which made us all laugh. And helped me hide the tears. It doesn’t get easier leaving, it just gets more familiar. I am grateful for the knowledge of future meetings. In truth, it’s the only thing that helps.