but

I wrote an earlier post which I deleted because I was angry when I wrote it. I guess the only message I really wanted to convey (but it was lost in the rant), is be kind.  This again. Think before you speak. Especially to young women whose mothers have just been diagnosed with recurrent breast cancer. Don’t be ignorant. And don’t assume I am. Or they are. It’s truly unfortunate that they aren’t. But it’s condescending to assume they are.

But. This post is a good news one. Goodish. Preliminary PETscan (I’ll write it in capitals because I don’t mind it having power today) results show no areas of concern elsewhere in my body. But. There is now evidence of what appears to be an ‘internal mammary lymph node mestasteses’ in my right breast. Whaaaat? Anyway, now I have to have another fine needle biopsy and CT scan early next week to check it out. Then armed with all this fucking knowledge, the medical oncologist will decide what next. With me of course. But right now, it’s mostly good news. Just with a damn but.

three hundred and sixty six

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15 January. My final grateful, gotta love a leap year. I am grateful for a final contemplative moment. For a weak wireless signal, so I found myself on the balcony desperately seeking connection. To no avail. But an imperfectly perfect end to my 366 gratefuls. I am grateful for real time and real connections. They are all that matter. And for them I will never ever stop being grateful. For love. And for this glorious imperfect life.

three hundred and sixty five

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14 January. My mother-in-law is an inspiration to me, and to anyone who meets her. At 85 she has more energy, a sharper wit, a better handle on a manual vehicle, a keener mind, is better read and more informed than many her junior. In fact, that’s all got nothing to do with her age.  She simply is a woman to behold. And be loved. I am grateful she is in my world, to inspire me daily, to guide me and to give me hope. And always a new perspective.

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13 January. My friend Leigh. I am grateful for my friend Leigh. For my pioneering friend Leigh. She is a teacher, a sage, a leader, an inspiration. I am grateful for her honesty, her bravery, her sharing, her ear and her forever friendship. She has lived through some serious shit, and that smile is always there. She has taught me there is always a way. To fok maar voort. With style. And grace. And dignity.

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12 January. I am grateful for family and friends. And friends who are family. Being so far away, maintaining friendships can be hard work, from both sides. I am grateful for those friendships where it never really is. And for those who care as much as I do.

three hundred and sixty two

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11 January. I am grateful for a feeling of peace, of contentment. A day spent with a friend who accepts me as I am, who remembers shared scrambled egg dinners and who reminds me of then. A day spent just being. And an evening surrounded by those I love the most.