9 January. I am grateful for an unexpected cuddle from behind. And for a daughter who could feel my quietness.
11 December. I am grateful today is nearly over. And for the most beautiful flowers thoughtfully chosen especially for me from those I love. Both near and far. They and the sight of my gorgeous daughters, their cousins, my sister and B made the day more than bearable. You guys, all of you, really do complete me.
Jem was elected a school leader today and House Captain. I love the way she quietly gets on with her life, with very little interference from me. I am grateful she is seen. It was beautiful today in assembly when I saw her eyes meet Kate’s, who gave her a silent victory signal in support and solidarity. I am grateful for lovely uniting moments, never mind how fleeting.
I have come so far and yet sometimes not at all. I realised this as Jem and I were chatting on the way home from school. We might have bought a house and Jem who has the biggest ears in the world and has heard us discussing finances, wanted to know how much we had offered. I used the opportunity to mention that it was not really necessary for her to know, or to discuss with anyone. And furthermore (you can hear the annoying mom tone can’t you and we wonder why they switch off) at her age there is no need to ask or discuss issues like how much her dad earns, how much I used to earn, how much rent we pay …. Yip, didn’t get past her. She smiled at me, you couldn’t resist mom could you. Shit, I am so bloody transparent. And damn, it does still bother me that they might not see me as the financial contributor I used to be. Damn that it still bothers me. They could care less. But I have got a lot better. I have. When filling in forms I refused to write housewife, or home executive or whatever. My stuff. So I used to write n/a. As in not applicable. Now I write mom. How far have I come.