I had a chuckle at myself today. It took all I had in me not to “client service” a meditation/discussion I went to. What is it with me and the need to make everyone at ease. There was an uncomfortable pause begging to be filled (by me) as we milled around waiting to be seated. And once seated. And thats when I chuckled. When I realised I didn’t have to. I didn’t need to make anyone feel anything. Why me. Old habits die hard. So we all sat there in uncomfortable silence until the buddhist nun gently led the discussion. It was uncomfortable, it wasn’t just me needing to fill silence. But I guess thats the point. Uncomfortable is ok. I am slowly getting that it is not up to me to try and make things better. My idea of better. I cannot control anything but my own response. I love that today it was a chuckle.
I am grateful for tuesday evenings, no I lie, I have become grateful for tuesday evenings. Now I see it as my ‘mindful picking up balls meditation’. (I do try not to count.) There is something about quietly picking up tennis balls with a tube tennis picker upper (obviously) for an hour, that is calming and reflective. I love being the quiet observer. There but not there. Just for an hour. Now if I could only figure a way to make the girls actually enjoy tennis, but I am grateful that they do it for me. They will thank me one day. They will.