Monthly Archives: March 2012

sixty one

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Today I am grateful for a smile from a complete stranger. It seems I belong to a club without meaning to. Most days I get at least a nod, or a hand wave. Today I got a lovely smile. Funnily just when I needed one. A smile from a fellow Jeep driver. Its like an acknowledgement of similar taste. Of similar uncommon taste, because there aren’t that many around here. Jeep’s are unique, robust, uncomplicated, fun and quite basic. Yet kind of cool. It’s funny, the only other time that used to happen was with B’s Landy. Not with the Discovery but the dinkum Landy, which was equally unique, robust, uncomplicated, fun and quite basic. It definitely never happened with the Volvo, which was none of the above. Maybe that’s why. Anyway, I digress … today it felt wonderful to belong to this club that’s not a club. I am very very grateful for that uncomplicated smile today.

dignity

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Mmmmm. I have now been accused of wanting to control. Well, this is nothing new. See control freak. I have been accused of being non Christian. I never professed to be anything but one that believes in good. I have been accused of being self absorbed. Well this is my blog. About me. I think we all are a little bit, and should be if we are on a journey of self discovery. I have indirectly been accused of not liking criticism. And no, I don’t. But then who does. And I do believe that those who criticise should look to themselves rather. But I especially do not like being criticised for sharing my views. For sharing me. I am not for one minute saying they should be anyone else’s views. They are mine, based on my life thus far, my journey thus far. My journey towards understanding why I am so controlling, so insecure, so quick to ignite, why I got cancer, how scared I am, how I try to be a good mother and wife and friend, but fuck up. Because I am not perfect, and if you know me, if you care enough to understand me, you would know that is the one thing I have battled my whole life to reconcile. The fact that I am good enough. So, this is all about being honest. And sharing that. And if that makes you uncomfortable, you have many choices. You could choose to no longer follow this arrogant, self absorbed, controlling, areligious African Queen’s blog. (Oh yes, I have been accused of being an African Queen. I am proud of being African, I am proud of where I’ve come from, I do not believe I am better because I am African, I just am)  Or you could choose to ignore the stuff you can’t relate to and think about the stuff you can relate to. Or you can choose to realise we all react differently based on our own realities. This is just mine. Not arrogant, not judgemental, quite self effacing and actually quite honest. I fuck up all the time. I forget my kids. I speak badly to my family. I envy my friends. I like people to look at me when they talk to me. I focus on what I don’t have rather than what I do have. Hence my blog. MY blog. I love to hear everyone’s views, but I am not keen on being bullied for thinking the way I do. How about you sticking your neck out and standing up for what you believe. My dignity is intact. Is yours?

sixty

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I love living above the best pizza place in town. I am grateful for ‘like homemade’ pizza’s, thin crispy bases overflowing with fresh basil or rocket. But my real grateful today is for the person I shared pizzas with tonight. The first person I met in Noosa. Properly met. The first person who really made me feel welcome. Tamara has been around in my new life for nearly four years. She was the first person I met who I could talk to and laugh with. Yes, Tam is from Zim and that did help when I first arrived, surrounded by difference, but it’s more than that. She is full of shit, she is controversial, she is affectionate, she is naughty, she is heaps of fun, she does not judge, she is different to me in many ways, she is like me in many ways. She just is. She really makes me laugh, and I know she would be there, no matter what and no matter when. And for that I am grateful.

look

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I can’t talk to you if you don’t look at me. To me it is as if you don’t hear me. I know we all think we are good at doing lots of things at once ( I hate the word multitasking, because its crap) but I absolutely believe then we don’t really do anything well at all. And sometimes good enough is good enough and that’s just life.  But I think whatever you are doing deserves all your attention. Or none at all. Just for that moment. And it is possible. Just stop doing everything, the world won’t stop. B loves my most favourite quote of all time and throws it back at me often. As he should. ‘Be still. Cease your relentless participation’. That’s why its all become a bit shitty and fucked up. We are all so busy doing everything we don’t focus on anything. Or anyone. Surely we should respect each another enough to just focus on each other. Just for that moment.  If you are a parent, I bet you have all had that moment when your young child put their little hands on both sides of your face and made you look at them and listen to them. I can just picture my face getting all squished as Kate or Jem physically forced me to look at them. To focus on them. How exquisite. Really. Well, that’s what I feel like doing to everyone. I need you to respect me enough to look at me when I talk to you. And don’t let me get on to those who look over your shoulder to see if they’re missing out on anything. Cease. Just for a moment. I am here. Right now. Look at me. And see me. Or move on. My family know this. Just this morning B covered Jem’s eyes while I was trying to get her to listen to me. I need to see her eyes. I need her to look at me so I know she has heard me. They thought it was hilarious. I didn’t. Well, not really.

thing

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I have a friend who skydives. And so does her son, who is 11. And in Jem’s grade. For some reason this came up over breakfast, and Jem wondered how he was not scared to do it. I replied probably because he’s grown up with it. For him it just is what you do. To him it isn’t different, it just is. His family does it and so does he. It’s a fairly adventurous family thing I went on to admit, but for him it would be the same as the family who play tennis together, who cycle together, who hike together or like us, who …. shit,  I couldn’t think of something to say. By way of an example. We play tennis, some of us but not as a regular family thing. We kayak, some of us but not as a regular weekend family thing. We walk, some of us, but not as a regular weekend family thing. We beach, but no longer all together so it’s not a regular weekend family thing. Shit, what is our family thing. I finally lamely settled on, just like us, we do breakfast out together as a regular family thing. Jem sort of looked at me. Clearly not a good enough example. Oh, well, stuff it, it is what it is, and thats our thing. We share ourselves with each other. Over breakfast out. That’s our family thing and I think that’s damn fine.

fifty eight

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Kate is in year 10 which means she has to go to Googa, an outdoor education centre. For a month. They camp, they hike, they cook over open fires, they wash, they clean, they do without any form of technology, they do everything for themselves. They learn about themselves, what they are capable of, what they can handle. They learn about their friends. And they learn to be grateful for what they have. We had the information evening tonight, and I watched Katie interact with her friends. I am very very grateful that Kate has made such lovely friends. So that she now feels excited at the prospect of the month away. When she first started here, we made a pact. I would do whatever I needed to to ensure she didn’t go. Even if it meant changing schools. To be honest 4 years seemed a lifetime away then. Today I am so grateful I don’t have to.

why me?

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Why me? Actually why not me? I’m big on taking responsibility at the moment. Sometimes life is cruel. But it is not someones else’s fault or responsibility. It just is. And the responsibility is with you. We all have a choice. In how we respond. And to learn from it. And to change. To be the change. I am also very much about moderation. Some might call it fence sitting. Well, thats them. For me, its keeping an open mind, and not being absolute about anything. I often envy those who believe so absolutely in something, that for them there is no other way. I am thinking a lot about this especially in relation to cancer. Not only because I’m heading home soon for a reality check, but also because a friend of B’s is suffering. His partner has no time left. She has throat cancer that they treated themselves by attacking the acidic/alkaline ratio in her body. Some would say it was stupid, some would say it was brave. We are not here to judge but to learn. But it is very very sad. I threw everything at my cancer. I was too scared not to. Well, first time round I refused to accept it. I went for opinion after opinion after opinion until I got the opinion I was able to deal with. My holy grail. It was all about control driven by fear. But, I didn’t give up.  I also didn’t learn.  Second time round I decided not to fight so hard, because the very thing I fought against first time round came to be. And then some. So, second time round, I chose to accept and do what was required. I still didn’t give up, but definitely relinquished a bit of control. But I still didn’t learn. I can only now be thankful that the opportunity to move here came at a time when I wanted it least but needed it most. And I can only now be thankful to B for seeing what I needed. Only now can I begin to take some responsibility. Not for manifesting cancer, but for not putting me first. For getting ‘caught up in superficial achievements, goal-hitting, and daily drama’.  For not looking after my wellbeing. We all have cancer cells. It is our responsibility not to create an environment in which they need to grow. To look after ourselves. To take responsibility. I chose to deal with the symptoms, but only now am I dealing with the cause. Every single day there are moments, big and small, when things happen we don’t really like, stop for a minute and before you blame someone else, take responsibility for your part in it.  It’s actually quite liberating. I haven’t yet got to the place where I see my disease as a blessing. But I’m getting there.

fifty seven

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Today I am grateful that our flight home for this year has been confirmed. This annual trip home has been the reason I have managed to still be here, knowing that I will see family and special friends at home at least once a year. Every year. For that, I am very very grateful.

salute

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When life isn’t great, you really know who your friends are. I do agree with this, and I know a lot of my friends are feeling it right now. And that sucks. To know you can’t always count on people you thought you could. But what I find even more interesting are the friends that are only there when your life isn’t great. When you are suffering. When you are sad. When you are ill. When you are struggling. There is a name for this, where your friends almost take ownership of your suffering. On a compassionate level, I am sure it makes them feel worthy. And it is sad that they feel they are only better when others aren’t.  As soon as you seem to be handling, and god forbid exceeding, they disappear. And not in a noble Florence Nightingale kind of way. How sad is that.  So to all my friends, those present, those absent, I salute you for all that you are, and once were to me. And hope you find happiness within.