why me?

Why me? Actually why not me? I’m big on taking responsibility at the moment. Sometimes life is cruel. But it is not someones else’s fault or responsibility. It just is. And the responsibility is with you. We all have a choice. In how we respond. And to learn from it. And to change. To be the change. I am also very much about moderation. Some might call it fence sitting. Well, thats them. For me, its keeping an open mind, and not being absolute about anything. I often envy those who believe so absolutely in something, that for them there is no other way. I am thinking a lot about this especially in relation to cancer. Not only because I’m heading home soon for a reality check, but also because a friend of B’s is suffering. His partner has no time left. She has throat cancer that they treated themselves by attacking the acidic/alkaline ratio in her body. Some would say it was stupid, some would say it was brave. We are not here to judge but to learn. But it is very very sad. I threw everything at my cancer. I was too scared not to. Well, first time round I refused to accept it. I went for opinion after opinion after opinion until I got the opinion I was able to deal with. My holy grail. It was all about control driven by fear. But, I didn’t give up.  I also didn’t learn.  Second time round I decided not to fight so hard, because the very thing I fought against first time round came to be. And then some. So, second time round, I chose to accept and do what was required. I still didn’t give up, but definitely relinquished a bit of control. But I still didn’t learn. I can only now be thankful that the opportunity to move here came at a time when I wanted it least but needed it most. And I can only now be thankful to B for seeing what I needed. Only now can I begin to take some responsibility. Not for manifesting cancer, but for not putting me first. For getting ‘caught up in superficial achievements, goal-hitting, and daily drama’.  For not looking after my wellbeing. We all have cancer cells. It is our responsibility not to create an environment in which they need to grow. To look after ourselves. To take responsibility. I chose to deal with the symptoms, but only now am I dealing with the cause. Every single day there are moments, big and small, when things happen we don’t really like, stop for a minute and before you blame someone else, take responsibility for your part in it.  It’s actually quite liberating. I haven’t yet got to the place where I see my disease as a blessing. But I’m getting there.

7 thoughts on “why me?

  1. wow Leanne… this has honestly blown me away. What great writing and so very true. taking responsibility… and no more blaming. Thank you

  2. From facebook

    Lesley Oliver, Angie Barnard-Engelke and 5 others like this.

    Kerry Solomon Beautiful, thank you for sharing.
    March 13 at 2:32pm · Like · 1

    Janette Webb Sooooo inspirational. U are amazing x x x x
    March 13 at 2:40pm · Unlike · 1

    Sam Vogel Brilliant post and wonderful “superficial achievements” link. Excellent grounding for those of us lucky to have our health. Thank you.
    March 13 at 2:47pm · Unlike · 1

    Theresa Milne Well said xxx
    March 13 at 3:24pm · Unlike · 1

    Michelle Taylor Beautifully written!!!!xx
    March 13 at 8:00pm · Unlike · 1

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