Tag Archives: gratitude

fraud

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I just realised I’m a bit of a fraud. I just had surgery. And it was cosmetic. Well, not really. Actually not at all, but it was a lift. Of sorts. An internal one. To my bowel. Shudder. I’m a fraud because as you all know I am a tad anti cosmetic surgery, because of how weird women ultimately end up looking. And I think women are beautiful, all women, old or young, just as they are. So now I’m wondering. It’s all just the same really. To stop the sag of life. In my case caused by childbirth, a lifetime on my feet and hastened by chemotherapy. You’ve just got to love how cancer is a gift that just keeps giving. I do try to embrace the passing of time and relish every little moment, punctuated by gratitude, but the last couple of days have been delightfully challenging. Those who know me well, know that I have privacy issues when it comes to that area of my anatomy. We all do, but it seems me more than most. Well, clearly no longer. And to be honest, do with me what you will, the knowledge that nothing sinister was lurking, made it all worthwhile. So, to anyone contemplating any form of surgery to rectify the sag, I say, go for it.

two hundred and ninety seven

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I am grateful for the dinner Kate cooked for Jem and I tonight. But not so much for the sulks and slammed doors that happened thereafter because Jem wasn’t hungry and Kate felt she should have been more appreciative. Nor for being disdainfully accused of having anger management problems after I raised my voice (a little) to try and restore calm in the house, as one does.  Jeez Kate reminds me of me at that age. I remember thinking I was surrounded by idiots. I can see she thinks it too. Little shit. Yip, it all went down in the Cawood household tonight. I blame late nights and far too many hormones. Oh, but I am   grateful for the spotless kitchen Kate left. My baby really is growing up.

i know i know

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I have come so far and yet sometimes not at all. I realised this as Jem and I were chatting on the way home from school. We might have bought a house and Jem who has the biggest ears in the world and has heard us discussing finances, wanted to know how much we had offered. I used the opportunity to mention that it was not really necessary for her to know, or to discuss with anyone. And furthermore (you can hear the annoying mom tone can’t you and we wonder why they switch off) at her age there is no need to ask or discuss issues like how much her dad earns,  how much I used to earn, how much rent we pay ….  Yip, didn’t get past her. She smiled at me, you couldn’t resist mom could you. Shit, I am so bloody transparent. And damn, it does still bother me that they might not see me as the financial contributor I used to be. Damn that it still bothers me. They could care less. But I have got a lot better. I have. When filling in forms I refused to write housewife, or home executive or whatever. My stuff. So I used to write n/a. As in not applicable. Now I write mom. How far have I come.

lost

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I sobbed this morning. Poor B, sitting in Sydney, could hardly hear the words between the gulps. And I have no real idea why. I’m feeling anxious. Not sleeping well. A little out of control and not in a good way. Very emotional. Very demotivated. And to be honest a little lost. I sat on my bench, regrouped a bit, got a little perspective and carried on. And that’s just life. Its not always a bed of roses, even when it is. I know how much I have, how much I’ve learnt and gained, and I am so filled with gratitude for everything and everyone in my life, but today I got lost in all I’ve lost. It frightened me how easy it is to do. But I had to write my grateful for yesterday. I had read about how a gratitude practice can open your heart and rewire your brain. It does. It really does.

two hundred and twenty eight

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I am grateful for memories, for friendships that exist beyond this life, for the everyday reminders of those we miss. I will forever honour and respect the memory of my dear friend and her little angel every time I kiss my daughters and hold them close. I had to write a mother daughter letter to Kate and hand it to the camp leaders for an intensive girls night out session they were having this last week. A letter of affirmation, pride and for me, gratitude. In writing my letter I ended with the words to Martina McBrides song, In my daughter’s eyes.  It is my favourite mother daughter song, most especially because it was shared by my friend to farewell her sweet little angel and will forever sit in my heart. As will they.

two hundred and twenty four

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26 August.  I am grateful for a wonderful family day spent with our child. How beautiful to be with her after three weeks away. Away from life as we all know it. How wonderful to see how much she has grown, how much she has learnt, how full of gratitude she is and how free she has become.

two hundred and five

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I am grateful for choices. Today I chose to spend an exquisite weekday morning on the beach.  Because I was in awe of the beauty of the day and because I could. I am grateful that I get to choose. And I will never take that for granted. Ever.

one hundred and ninety

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I am grateful today for whatever it took to get me through the day. And for giving myself permission to feel sorry for myself. Just for a little bit. But I am mostly so very grateful for the fact that after today I only have one zoladex implant left. Yay me. Seriously.

one hundred and thirty seven

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I found my old recipe book, from when I was ten or so. I have promised to make rusks for the girls and knew I had my gran’s recipe somewhere. I am grateful I kept this old recipe book, not only for the only rusk recipe worth keeping but for the wonderful memory of me and my ouma and a typewriter. I loved those days and my rusks might not be as good as my gran’s but they will be filled with wonderful memories and so much love.