needy

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I’m not enjoying Kate being away. It’s day 4 now. Yes, it’s fabulous for her and what an opportunity and wow she has become so independent and shoo wee how proud of her we are. Yadda yadda yadda. I bloody miss her. I’d be cool if I could just text, you ok? and get yip back with a smiley face. I really do hope she is having a fabulous time. But it’s just weird not having her home, especially knowing its for one whole month. And that I can’t talk to her or text her or message her. I’ve always been prone to instant gratification. Now has always worked for me. Ask B. And I miss my nightly teeaaaa please. And bloody little shit should have written a letter by now surely. I mean the australian postal system is so fabulous, isn’t it. I just want to know she’s ok. And that she has all she needs, that she’s sleeping ok, that she’s eating ok, that her friends are being kind, that the camp leaders are ok, that she’s not too cold, that she’s not too hot, that she gets to have her tea at night, how the cooking’s going, where the bathroom is, has she cleaned out the long drop loos yet, when does she go on her solo, are her torches working ok, is her sleeping bag cosy, is her throat still sore. Ok, so my control issues are still a little out of control. Do you think its a bit much if I ask the post office again how often they clear the post daily. I mean the lady I asked yesterday could have been a temp?

two hundred and six

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B has always had odd yet strangely perfect nicknames for the girls, often to do with whatever was dominating his life or theirs at any given time. I remember Jem being Lampard for a long while, a chelsea footballer. There is no significance as B is actually an arsenal supporter. B’s current nickname for Kate is KinKin. Also no significance. Anyway, we are under strict instructions to write to Kate daily, and B’s offering today was mostly a logo design. With a small paragraph. And a shot of Usain Bolt. Kate will love it. I am grateful our daughters have grown up with creativity every single day. It is part of who they are. Damn that it hasn’t rubbed off on me, I wrote three very long pages. Full of love and daily shit, but not much creativity. It is part of who I am. And anyway Kate would never forgive me if I just sent her a logo.

two hundred and five

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I am grateful for choices. Today I chose to spend an exquisite weekday morning on the beach.  Because I was in awe of the beauty of the day and because I could. I am grateful that I get to choose. And I will never take that for granted. Ever.

cya

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8

I had one of those life defining moments today. Actually more like stage defining. Kate left for Googa today, an outdoor education centre somewhere out there in Australia, for a month. No contact bar letters, no technology, no anything. They have to fend for themselves, washing, cooking, cleaning etc etc.  I was so proud of her. She hadn’t cried once in the lead up. No sleepless nights, no anxiety. Only excitement. And then she saw Isaac her friend as we arrived at the bus. And the tears started. The tears that ordinarily would have flowed on looking at me or B.  You know, moommmy. Daaddddy. That was the stage defining moment. In Kate’s life. And ours. The moment I turned to B and realised, as did he, we aren’t the ones anymore. I mean we always will be her parents and that will never ever change, we will always be there for her and she will always know that, but her friends get so much more of whats going on with her now than we do. She is growing and growing up and getting more and more ready to spread her wings and be independent of us. And I love her all the more for it. Because like everything else she does, she is doing it with grace and dignity. So much so that it took us both by gentle surprise.

two hundred and three

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I have mentioned B fondly refers to me as Cleese. I tend to be a tad of a dork and am often the butt of jokes in our family. In a nice way. Today I was grateful to play that role as it had the girls in absolute hysterics at lunch as Kate was updating Jem on my most recent attempt at joining in with B and Kate’s witty repartee. In my mind my comment was so funny I was already giggling, but somehow it didn’t sound the same outside of my mind. They could have at least been nice about it. Instead of rolling on the floor. Oh well. I am very grateful for a fun moment on Kate’s last day with us. I will be the butt of any joke if it helps to keep the mood light just before our baby leaves us for a month. I love how excited she is. I am grateful for her newfound fearlessness. Her readiness now to embrace a new adventure. To find the fun. Even if it is sometimes at my expense.

two hundred and two

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I have met some fabulous women here. Inspiring, interesting, capable, creative, nothing is too much for them women. I am grateful for the time spent today, alongside some of them, at the worlds best ever homemade lemonade stall. You women really do rock and are inspiring in your selflessness. And even if there had been vodka in the lemon slushy machine I couldn’t have had a better time.

two hundred and one

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After my lemon drizzle disaster I am grateful for my new go to never fail easy as chocolate vegan cake discovered only a short while ago.  I made one quickly this am but forgot the baking soda so it tasted fab but looked flat. Very flat. So another. Third time lucky, I sent a cake off to school. Even Jem thought I was completely mad. I’m just a tad obsessive, and I’m grateful that I’ve finally made peace with that. And anyway, as you know, I love chocolate cake for lunch. And I shudder to think what a disaster our fair would have been if I hadn’t sent in a cake.

two hundred

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I am grateful for a sense of humour. Jem, who truly spends too much time smelling those roses, hadn’t given me the plate I had to fill for her school annual fete so I was under a little pressure to bake something late this afternoon. (Never mind I knew well what had to be done but had been otherwise occupied). Anyway felt suitably pleased with myself as did a quick grocery shop, booked a flight, made chicken satay for dinner, one of Kate’s faves as she’s away for a month from monday and baked a cake. I was basking in my super mother glory (see I can be this) when I opened the oven. Fuck. I hate cooking, I hate the kitchen and I’ll never not. I might just pretend from time to time. But, I do love a laugh, especially when its at myself. Just make sure if you’re at the fair you pay a premium for the squonky lemon drizzle, it’s one of a kind.

one hundred and ninety nine

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Last night was quite intense in the Cawood household with much discussion over choices and options, soul searching over commitments already made and opportunities yet explored, and quite a lot of emotion from all. So today I am grateful for this moment of tranquility. And that B was there to share it. And if you look closely, my favourite pelican too, who always puts everything so beautifully in perspective.