Tag Archives: life

two hundred and ninety eight

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Today was not the best day. It appears we may have a deal breaker building issue on the house. No supplier is responding when they said they would. The bank manager is on leave, her replacement is ill and the relevant file is in transit. Our attorney speaks in legalese. My husband is away again. My teenage daughter and I are rubbing each other up the wrong way. My youngest daughter’s friends are hurting her feelings. Not the best day for that either, because I was already on the warpath. I left three messages for B. I am grateful my fourth call got through, not because anything was resolved but because when I started to rant at him too saying, surely you should be able to take a call from your mother, I mean wife, B burst out laughing. I did try cover it up but no way. It was very funny. I am so very grateful for the perspective of a belly laugh. It is so easy to take life much too seriously.

two hundred and eighty two

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I am grateful for my new tote. Just as it reminded my friend of our special times, of our special group, it does me too. And just as she so often thinks about us all, I do too. I am grateful for those days, for those exquisitely precious moments, for lives shared, for the kindness, the irreverence, the laughter, the tears, the wisdom, the wine fuelled madness. I am so very grateful for forever friends.

two hundred and seventy seven

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18 October. I am spoilt. Most of us are. And I have embraced change. I have. I just don’t do windows. I love saying that. There really is nothing I wouldn’t do but windows. Okay and ironing. So today I’m grateful for crystal clean windows. And not just the concept, but the company. I am grateful for Crystal Clean Windows today because they made my windows crystal clean. I love that. So obvious its perfect. A bit like The Cleana. I digress again. So I am grateful I can see clearly now. So what if it’s only a bi annual thing. I always was far too anal anyway.

fuck yeah

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I woke up with a feeling of anticipation today. And I know why. Because today feels like the day I finally start to take my power back. I had my last Zoladex implant today. I have had one every three months for the last nearly five years. This keeps me in menopause, which is essential for the aromatase inhibitor, Femara I take every night and have for nearly five years. My cancer was oestrogen receptive, so all production needs to be suppressed and blocked. I have three more months of Femara and then nothing. Nothing. Then I will become me again. A different me, but a me free of anything but what should be. I can’t wait. I am in awe of my doctors and of the courage I have gained through the efforts of others. I was just too fearful to go it alone. I together with my doctors and my family chose a course of action. A course of action me and my family needed me to take. To do everything I could to make sure I was here January 2013. The ultimate goal. Being here 5 years after chemo. Then we hit the down curve in the bell curve of efficacy of treatment. So no more. I am excited. Especially to discover what the medication has masked. Because I am different. Everything changed the day I was diagnosed and will never be the same again. In many ways it is better, way better, but in other ways not. I feel I’ve also let my cancer control me the last five years. I have been in varying stages of disease, surgery, treatment and recovery. But I know it’s also been a process of acceptance. And growth. Only now can I start to feel a frisson of a personal victory. I am seeing that whilst it occupied a lot of me, and changed me, it hasn’t defined me. I willingly handed me over for a bit. Now I’m ready to reclaim me. But I am proud of how I fought for my life. And I’ll do it again if I have to. So for now, all I can say is yay me.

two hundred and seventy

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I am grateful for the making of memories. And for little girls wanting to capture them. And for a polaroid camera that reminds me of way back when.

lost

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I sobbed this morning. Poor B, sitting in Sydney, could hardly hear the words between the gulps. And I have no real idea why. I’m feeling anxious. Not sleeping well. A little out of control and not in a good way. Very emotional. Very demotivated. And to be honest a little lost. I sat on my bench, regrouped a bit, got a little perspective and carried on. And that’s just life. Its not always a bed of roses, even when it is. I know how much I have, how much I’ve learnt and gained, and I am so filled with gratitude for everything and everyone in my life, but today I got lost in all I’ve lost. It frightened me how easy it is to do. But I had to write my grateful for yesterday. I had read about how a gratitude practice can open your heart and rewire your brain. It does. It really does.

two hundred and thirty nine

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I am grateful for that moment today after I had emptied my bag three times to find my car keys, retraced my steps mentally trying to figure where I’d left them, planned how best to physically do it, lost my breath as the reality hit home that I had really lost my keys somewhere, that I remembered my car was at the car wash and they had my keys. And that was why I was having a coffee because I was too early to fetch the car. I am hopeless. The up side is the wonderful feeling I get when I do finally remember. That moment for which I am so very grateful. It’s like playing a secret game with myself. But I know one day it will elude me. So today I really am grateful for those aha moments. How wonderful they are.

two hundred and twenty nine

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Today I am so very grateful for happy homecomings. For a brave daughter who has had a fabulous taste of the adventure that awaits her. And for the reminder of how precious and fleeting this time is. Right now life is back to as it should be. For our family of four. For now. And for that I am immensely grateful.

two hundred and twenty three

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25 August. Travelling along the roads en route to Blackbutt I was once again taken aback by how beautiful and varied from gentle to lush to beautifully arid the Australian landscape is. B and I were commenting on how Australia was never on our radar. Not ever. And here we are on a saturday afternoon hurtling along some road miles from nowhere with one of our daughters ensconced with friends she would never have known in the middle of god knows where growing and being. Today I am grateful for the unexpected gifts and paths life gives us. And for the courage to take them.