I was B’s assistant today. His dorky fall over the tripod assistant. I worked harder than I ever have done before doing things I would never have done before. And had a fabulous time doing it. So today I am grateful for new experiences. And for not taking myself too seriously.
I do love peanut butter. I love butter even more. Melted butter and peanut butter on over toasted soy lin bread. There is nothing better. Today and right now. So, I am very very grateful for my lunch today.
I’m still doing it. I’m still trying to turn B into me. I fell in love with B for him. His quirks, his laid-backness, his dimpled smile, his forearms (not a fetish but they have always done it for me), his irreverence, his perverseness, his independence, his B’ness. His different to me ness. But I have spent the last seventeen years or so trying to turn him into me. Even though I know he will never behave the way I do, because he is not me. He will never respond the way I do, because he is not me. He will never phone home the way I do or when I want him too, because he is not me. He will never drive around the block ridiculously every time he has to be somewhere because he is always 5mins or more early the way I do, because he is not me. He will never do stuff when I want him too just because I want it done then, because he is not me. He will never be irrationally jealous the way I am, actually he will, and I do love that about him. So, I don’t know why I’m still doing it. I don’t even want B to be like me. I am starting to like me a little more, but fuck I’d hate to be married to me. So, I know he will never say sorry the way I do or think I do, because he is not me. I do know. But it still pisses me off. And I know that’s why he does it. And I love him all the more for it.
I forgot Kate today. For the first time ever. And in the worst thunderstorm I’ve ever experienced here. She had to text me. For some of you I’m sure it’s no big deal. For control freak, always 5mins early me, it was a huge deal. For the kid whose controlling mother was always there 5mins early it was a huge deal. The guilt. And not only at forgetting her, but at having spent the morning on the beach. And then forgetting her. The guilt at B’s raised eyebrow at my packed briefcase this morning. Aka, my beach bag. B’s word, not mine. But especially because I had felt slightly superior this morning when Jem told B mom always does things right. This was because she didn’t want B to drop them off at school. The last time he drove up the bus only lane. And stayed there and said leisurely goodbyes to the girls as they died a thousand deaths. I’m sure, knowing B, he might even have yelled I love you to them as they scuttled away. It didn’t help that one of the better looking boys in Kate’s grade was watching. And laughing. So, I was feeling understandably superior. Because I always do it right. Yeah right. Not only was Kate affronted when I finally turned up, she was also soaked. What a fabulous lesson for us both. She now knows I don’t always get it right. And I now know it doesn’t matter. If she knows that is.
I am grateful for the fact that today on a Tuesday morning, I got to walk the national park and bob around in the exquisite Laguna Bay. I am grateful to Ilona and Arienne for being as in awe as me. But I am especially grateful to B for deciding Noosa is where we would live, long before I even knew it existed.
I wear a little heart around my neck. It is a symbol of love and was given to me by my sister in law. I am grateful for my little heart, because whenever I touch it, it comforts me and I think of her. And when I think of her, I think of endless cups of coffee, endless glasses of red wine, endless laughs and home. It stills me. It helps me find my strength.
I feel a little sad today. And I know that’s okay. I also know why I’m sad. Because my friend is. And I don’t know how to help her. And because I know only she can help herself. And I feel a little guilty. Because the very thing thing I take the most for granted is the very thing my friend does not have. And so badly wants. I know this because she told me.The stability of us. Of B and I. It seems so cruel to give advice on how lucky she is to have what she has, and to be so grateful for what she has been blessed with, from the comfort of my solid unit of two. I am grateful to her for reminding me of the beauty of what we have. But I know, as I know she does, only too well, nothing lasts forever. So my promise to her, and to myself, is never ever to take us for granted again. To see the beauty we are. To see the beauty we have. But I only promise this, if she promises too. If she promises never ever again to give up on herself. To see the beauty she has. To see the beauty she is.
I am grateful for date night. Not because it was a wonderful romantic why don’t we do this more often kind of night. But because it reminded me how often we forget to talk. Or listen to each other. Really listen .
Life is not a fairy tale. The good guy doesn’t always win. Prince Charming doesn’t really exist. No-one lives forever. I know now that I can’t rely on other’s for my happiness. Life and love is not conditional. It’s not up to B to make me happy, it’s up to me. This is part of my why. My 365 grateful posts. To force myself to acknowledge and truly acknowledge how much I have. And not only material things. I wish you would too. There is so much beauty around us and in us if we only care to look. And stop believing the fairy tales. And our old stories. Our old baggage. Life is not picture book perfect. Life is not what could have been. Life is not what should be. Life is as it should be. If only we could accept, acknowledge, let go and move forward. And never look back. Living in the past messes up the now. Just look at what you have right now. Just look. Right this very moment, give thanks for it, be grateful for it, knowing it too will pass. Knowing it won’t last forever. And then it will be too late. Don’t waste what you have wishing for something you never had. See what you have. Please. And let that be enough. You are so blessed. You really are. You are so loved. You have so much more than many. So much more. You just need to open your eyes. And be grateful.
I am grateful for this little secret haven today, a magic toadstool and a moment when little girls could be little girls. A moment when the world was perfect. Or I could pretend it was.
grace and dignity 