Life is not a fairy tale. The good guy doesn’t always win. Prince Charming doesn’t really exist. No-one lives forever. I know now that I can’t rely on other’s for my happiness. Life and love is not conditional. It’s not up to B to make me happy, it’s up to me. This is part of my why. My 365 grateful posts. To force myself to acknowledge and truly acknowledge how much I have. And not only material things. I wish you would too. There is so much beauty around us and in us if we only care to look. And stop believing the fairy tales. And our old stories. Our old baggage. Life is not picture book perfect. Life is not what could have been. Life is not what should be. Life is as it should be. If only we could accept, acknowledge, let go and move forward. And never look back. Living in the past messes up the now. Just look at what you have right now. Just look. Right this very moment, give thanks for it, be grateful for it, knowing it too will pass. Knowing it won’t last forever. And then it will be too late. Don’t waste what you have wishing for something you never had. See what you have. Please. And let that be enough. You are so blessed. You really are. You are so loved. You have so much more than many. So much more. You just need to open your eyes. And be grateful.
I am finding this all quite interesting. People’s genuine curiousity, amazement, wierded outness, desire to share and even the complete silence. Actually the complete silence from some is particularly interesting. It takes some doing to put yourself out there. And I don’t mean by blogging. I mean by being honest. And the question on some people’s minds it seems, is why would you. Which has to make me consider. Why am I doing this? Honestly, I was, am, a spoilt brat. With so much to be grateful for, but not honestly seeing it. Why, why not, why me, why not me, why here, why him, why them, why now. A favourite quote of mine ‘be still. cease your relentless partcipation’ comes to mind. I know I do that. Especially before. Kept myself ever so busy doing ever so important things with ever so important people so I wouldn’t have to spend too much time with me. Now I am in this wonderful place with this wonderful opportunity to simply celebrate what is. And still I so often think about what I haven’t got, not what I have. What is with that. I am a spoilt brat. So, the grateful stuff is my being still for a moment. The other stuff is me experimenting and not being anonymous anymore. Honesty is good. Sharing is therapeutic. Not trying to be clever is essential.
This should probably have been filed under the grateful posts 365 category, post entitled eight. If only you read these posts in order and as I intended them. It starts at ahemmm and then follows by category, by day, some under stuff, a few under why and grateful posts daily under grateful posts 365. And no I am not a control freak. And maybe I do take myself a little too seriously. And yes I am learning to let go. Or perhaps I am being let go. On the way to school today for the start of year 10 for her, Kate said today is the first ever start of a new school year that she has not felt in the slightest bit anxious. Not one butterfly. This might not seem remarkable but to those who know us well, Kate has the distinguishing characteristic of having cried every single day on being left at school from the start of Grade 000 until midway through Grade 2. (That’s like two years of kindy, one year of prep, year 1 and year 2) Since then every change has resulted in significant anxiety usually heralded by sleepless nights and sore tummies and a very supportive mother yelling at her to pull herself together. That would be me, but in my defense, I lost my patience in the fifth year. So, I am not sure if it is simply age, or a combination of factors. One of them definitely being a harsh exposure to change (change her mother unwittingly had protected her from) and finding herself flourishing in a new world with new rules. A gentle caring less competitive self affirming world. Or maybe it’s just cos her mother has become less of a stressed out, I have to get to work, what am I wearing, hurry up I’m going to be late, fuck the traffic is a nightmare, lock all the doors, don’t answer my phone it could be Assie (my very senior client who has become a very dear friend) I’m trying to do everything and show everyone how fabulous I am, person. It has all become a little gentler, which is helping me to let go. A little.