Tag Archives: love

too soon

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In response to a text asking what’s up from a very dear friend of mine. I started to respond nothing. Just waiting waiting waiting. It’s killing me. I chuckled at the irony and was about to hit send, when I thought. Shit is it too soon? Too soon for humour, albeit dark. So I didn’t. But I wished I had, because she would have got it. And it’s honest. And I prefer it to the gentle pity and sadness I feel around me. Please don’t be scared of me and this thing. Or for me. I get why you are and I love you for it, but don’t be. I’m really not. I’m just annoyed I have to find a new label. I was liking the nearly 10years cancer free one. But as B said, stop labelling stuff. And he’s right, I do. I realised that as through my initial fuck my life tears I said to him, I loved that Kate and Jem were the girls whose mom had had cancer, not the girls whose mom has cancer. Really just cos I can’t stand the pity. For me, for them, for us. But I know its source. That damn fear. And I understand it. And I love you all for it. But I release you all from it. It’s killing me.

So where am I? In bed with two gorgeous dogs for company, healing and waiting for my petscan on Thursday and oncologist feedback thereafter. Waiting waiting waiting.

wisdom

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I’m not a fool. And I know no-one thinks I am. And I am so filled with love at the courage it takes for people to reach out and be present and try fix things. You can’t. I can’t. It’s not to be fixed. It’s to be held, accepted and faced. And responded to. And that I have done and will continue to do. Please be confident in the knowledge that I have researched the hell out of this. I have pursued alternative therapies, I have eaten raw food only, I gave up sugar, juiced myself and my family until we all threw up a little in our mouths at the thought (love you for this my friend). I too have the internet and can google and be swayed by those who feed on the fear we all have within us. I get it. I really do. And I so applaud you for your chosen path. It’s just not mine. I am too conscious of the untold stories, the swept away stories of those who didn’t survive by simply healing themselves. And sadly their slavish followers. I have not chosen my approach lightly. But with wisdom and compassion and peace. It is holistic but it also encourages scientific scrutiny. And for those who feel if I had done something else maybe we wouldn’t be here right now, or that I chose this, I hear your fear. But you can keep it. And your judgement. But I’ll take your love.

three hundred and sixty six

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15 January. My final grateful, gotta love a leap year. I am grateful for a final contemplative moment. For a weak wireless signal, so I found myself on the balcony desperately seeking connection. To no avail. But an imperfectly perfect end to my 366 gratefuls. I am grateful for real time and real connections. They are all that matter. And for them I will never ever stop being grateful. For love. And for this glorious imperfect life.

three hundred and sixty five

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14 January. My mother-in-law is an inspiration to me, and to anyone who meets her. At 85 she has more energy, a sharper wit, a better handle on a manual vehicle, a keener mind, is better read and more informed than many her junior. In fact, that’s all got nothing to do with her age.  She simply is a woman to behold. And be loved. I am grateful she is in my world, to inspire me daily, to guide me and to give me hope. And always a new perspective.

three hundred and sixty four

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13 January. My friend Leigh. I am grateful for my friend Leigh. For my pioneering friend Leigh. She is a teacher, a sage, a leader, an inspiration. I am grateful for her honesty, her bravery, her sharing, her ear and her forever friendship. She has lived through some serious shit, and that smile is always there. She has taught me there is always a way. To fok maar voort. With style. And grace. And dignity.

finally a lesson learnt

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Five years is a long time. Five years is a great time to be cancer free but not so sure if it’s a great time to have been away from where I come from. Congratulations have been offered and accepted as my family and friends all knew I was only staying for two years. OK, so they and I knew I would stay longer but happily went along with my self delusion because they all knew it was what I needed. It’s not a great time, because it is a long time and so much and so many people have changed. The gap we seem to have left for some has diminished. And that was inevitable but also sad. But actually it is also great. Because it has helped me on my journey. To truly understand impermanence. And attachment.  I have definitely learnt the lesson I have oft referred to in my musings, the gift I have finally accepted. The acceptance of change. Which often is loss. I think after 5 years you get a real understanding of what mattered, what matters, of who matters and of whom you matter to. And that it’s all good. I can now smile at this journey, from the absurdity of the first visit home to the authenticity of this visit five years later. Five years is a long time to be away from where I come from, but a great time to grow.

three hundred and sixty three

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12 January. I am grateful for family and friends. And friends who are family. Being so far away, maintaining friendships can be hard work, from both sides. I am grateful for those friendships where it never really is. And for those who care as much as I do.

three hundred and sixty two

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11 January. I am grateful for a feeling of peace, of contentment. A day spent with a friend who accepts me as I am, who remembers shared scrambled egg dinners and who reminds me of then. A day spent just being. And an evening surrounded by those I love the most.

three hundred and sixty one

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10 January. I am grateful for a road trip. For my travel companions, for the time together for a mother and son, and for a padkos stop to beat all stops. And for the reminder of many other road trips. And the fun we always have.

three hundred and fifty nine

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8 January. I always comment on how we are surrounded by girls on my side of the family. I am grateful for the wonderful energy these gorgeous girls bring into our world. Today I felt the gentle, intense, wise, vibrant energy keenly especially with three more angels joining in. All who’ve so obviously been here before. Oh and Badger being the always welcome token male of course.