too soon

In response to a text asking what’s up from a very dear friend of mine. I started to respond nothing. Just waiting waiting waiting. It’s killing me. I chuckled at the irony and was about to hit send, when I thought. Shit is it too soon? Too soon for humour, albeit dark. So I didn’t. But I wished I had, because she would have got it. And it’s honest. And I prefer it to the gentle pity and sadness I feel around me. Please don’t be scared of me and this thing. Or for me. I get why you are and I love you for it, but don’t be. I’m really not. I’m just annoyed I have to find a new label. I was liking the nearly 10years cancer free one. But as B said, stop labelling stuff. And he’s right, I do. I realised that as through my initial fuck my life tears I said to him, I loved that Kate and Jem were the girls whose mom had had cancer, not the girls whose mom has cancer. Really just cos I can’t stand the pity. For me, for them, for us. But I know its source. That damn fear. And I understand it. And I love you all for it. But I release you all from it. It’s killing me.

So where am I? In bed with two gorgeous dogs for company, healing and waiting for my petscan on Thursday and oncologist feedback thereafter. Waiting waiting waiting.

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One thought on “too soon

  1. From facebook
    Kerry Solomon, Anita Roberts and 46 others

    Jo Sutton Patience sux
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 11:05am

    Anna Macklin Best one yet! Fantastic writing Li so damn honest and brutal and warm all at once. Fuck cancer . Love you ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 11:12am

    Ilona Schreuder Well…,we wait with you my friend💋
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 11:20am

    Theresa Milne With you ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 1:32pm

    Robin Davey Yes we do feel fear, but nobody can feel pity for such a strong woman. Admiration for sure. And you are allowed NOT to be strong all of the time. Hugs for Thursday’s scan. X
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 30 at 1:56pm

    Susie Pitts Waiting is for the patient – that’s not us! Hugs and love. X
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 2:10pm

    Janette Webb You are amazing xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 2:38pm

    Meredith Wostenholm You are an amazing woman Li! Courageous in every way!💞
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 2:42pm

    Ann-Marie Aveling Xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 3:38pm

    Janine Hunter ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 3:51pm

    Deborah Sykes Yates 🙏❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 4:09pm

    Janine Daniels And reading the most amazing book. Love you chick – and your dark humour. But then you knew that …💋💋💋💋
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 4:43pm
    Lianne Cawood 😈❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 8:51pm

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ❤️😂😍❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 5:15pm · Edited

    Lianne Cawood Thank you beautiful people ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 30 at 8:53pm

    Lisa Fourie You’re amazing and unique 💞 don’t ever change 😘 Sending you patience – heaps of the little fuck##s xo
    Like · Reply · March 30 at 9:17pm

    Santa Asbury 🌹🌹💋💋🌹🌹
    Like · Reply · March 30 at 10:48pm

    Kerry Solomon I’m a fan of dark humour. Also, just so you know, when I think of your gorgeous girls, I don’t think of them at all as the girls whose mom had / has cancer. The thought doesn’t even cross my mind. ❤️😘❤️😘❤️😘
    Like · Reply · April 1 at 3:20am

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