Seeing Kate wearing the jersey (or jumper) my ouma, her great granny, had crocheted for me when I was about her age was just wonderful. I loved that jersey and I’m so grateful Kate loves its now indie vintagey vibe. I’m especially grateful that the trendy sales assistant at Alterior Motif, one of Kates favourite stores, loved it too. My ouma would be thrilled.
I ran away today. Day one and I ran away. From my kids. Kate is feeling ill and emotional and just generally needy and annoying and moody too. Jem wants to know what’s for breakfast after she turned down an offer to join B and I for brekkie downstairs. And she’s moody too. And they’re both bloody messy. And just there. Shit and its day one of school holidays. And I just didn’t feel like dealing with them today. I love my kids so much but I think I love them even more when they are at school. And if you are this far with me you know a lot about me and my family and the love we share and my gratitude for them and the characters that they are. But have I ever admitted that I never wanted them? Well, never wanted kids. My plan was not to get married, never to have kids and focus only on me and my career. My plan. Me. In Control. Then I fell in love. And we loved being the two of us. But then we decided at some point that something was lacking, not with us but just lacking and at 31 the kiddy thing started. I offered 6 weeks of myself. Then I was back at work. Well, that never happened either. I did go back, but later and as a very different person, with a very different view on the world. The thing about kids is suddenly you realise you are no longer in control. Not that I ever was, but I loved the illusion of it. So, this morning, I left. Because I could. Just for a moment. And I do love my kids. And I am grateful for them. More than anything in the world. But then, you knew that.
I suspect it might be because I’m the giver of nightly fresh food but whatever the reason little Jayde seems to have developed a soft spot for me. She’s always up for a little cuddle, her favourite spot in the evening being on the couch behind my head, often snuggling under my hair. She seems to feel secure there. I’m grateful for the love of a sweet little creature. Whatever the reason.
I thought quite seriously about getting a tattoo at one point. To celebrate life. A flower chain on my wrist that I would add to every year since I finished treatment. I thought about it seriously for a minute. Naah. One, tattoos are not for me. And two, I was so determined not to be defined by this, not to be Lianne Cawood, cancer survivor. And that tattoo would help me do that. And I do so like to define myself in concrete ways. Which is not a good thing. And anyway, it’s there whether I like it or not. The cancer survivor thing. But it’s only a little part of me. You see, yesterday was not only our anniversary it was also the anniversary of my mastectomy. 5 year anniversary. And that’s the reason I am so glad I never got that tattoo, because that is all that would matter. Every day. But yesterday we mattered, not it. Now I love the sudden reminder, the wow can you believe it was 5 years ago feeling. That was then, this is now. I’m writing about it because it was a wow moment and I love that, and hopefully someone will get hope from our ability to smile now. And also because I realised I haven’t quite put this tattoo thing to bed yet.
I am grateful B remembered it was our anniversary today before I did. I suspect I would have been less than gracious had it been the other way around. I am also grateful for the fortuitous timing of his return. Despite me forgetting (momentarily(!)) the day we got married 18 years ago, I suspect I would have been less than gracious had he not been home to celebrate. I am especially grateful for the magnificent day we were blessed with today. It has been a very good day.
I am grateful for homecomings. The bliss of B and his girls being together again. For us being whole again. For things being just as they should be.
I think my medication is wearing off. Did I mention I take a mood stabiliser. I prefer that description. I don’t tell many people. It does help me. Not cope, but not fly off the handle, so it helps those around me probably more, cos I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with my tone, my attitude, my shouting, my yelling, my screaming and the next minute, my calm. What’s the matter with everyone? Why are they looking at me funny? Anyway, my pills help keep some stability whilst my hormones are being manipulated elsewhere. But the efficacy definitely wears off. Ask B. My need to control seems to have gone off the richter scale again. I still can’t seem to get why people don’t think like me, I mean really, my motives are so selfless, I’m just trying to protect everyones’ feelings, make everyone’s lives perfect. As defined by me. Not that they asked me to. Or maybe I’m actually just trying to protect myself. By controlling from afar. Protect me from the guilt I do still feel being so far away. Knowing the gap we have left particularly in my folks world. And my intentions might be noble and selfless, but I, like us all, need to let others live their lives, make their own way, build their own relationships or not at all. Even if it’s not the way I would. So it seems, every day, I still learn a lot and let go a little. Or maybe I just need to up my meds.
I am grateful for a moment with Jem in science today.
I got my favourite jacket back today. The jacket I left in a cab on friday night. I found delicious cut up prepared raw butternut today. The kind you just pop into the oven, like from home. With the emphasis on peeled and cut up. I bought a juicer and Jem and I made our first ever green juice, the reason I bought the juicer. Spinach leaves, kale, celery, cucumber, apple, ice. Delicious. Even Kate said so. And she refused to try it at first because something so healthy and full of greens must be yuck. I made roast chicken for dinner with homemade gravy that I caught Jem slurping up like soup. To reward myself for my healthy green juice, I indulged in half a slab of the most delicious organic milk chocolate in the whole entire world, which I have a friend to thank for. I said goodnight to Kate as I do every night but tonight it dissolved into a giggle fest. I am grateful for the little things today. The little indulgences that for a moment made my heart sing. And especially because I noticed.
I couldn’t get warm today. I was so very grateful for the only warm spot I could find in my home.The winter sun streaming in to my kitchen. Believe it or not, I simply sat in that patch of warmth and had my morning coffee. Bliss.
grace and dignity 