I am grateful for four letters today. To receive handwritten letters from my teenage daughter is such a wonderful treat. I can’t explain the feeling of holding the letters she has actually written. I am grateful for this experience, so we can all know the beauty of writing, sharing and anticipation. She says she is having a fabulous time. Not even raking sawdust in the long drop loos is putting her off. I am grateful that all is okay in her world. Because that means all is okay in my world again. I am so letting go. I am.
I ran away today. Day one and I ran away. From my kids. Kate is feeling ill and emotional and just generally needy and annoying and moody too. Jem wants to know what’s for breakfast after she turned down an offer to join B and I for brekkie downstairs. And she’s moody too. And they’re both bloody messy. And just there. Shit and its day one of school holidays. And I just didn’t feel like dealing with them today. I love my kids so much but I think I love them even more when they are at school. And if you are this far with me you know a lot about me and my family and the love we share and my gratitude for them and the characters that they are. But have I ever admitted that I never wanted them? Well, never wanted kids. My plan was not to get married, never to have kids and focus only on me and my career. My plan. Me. In Control. Then I fell in love. And we loved being the two of us. But then we decided at some point that something was lacking, not with us but just lacking and at 31 the kiddy thing started. I offered 6 weeks of myself. Then I was back at work. Well, that never happened either. I did go back, but later and as a very different person, with a very different view on the world. The thing about kids is suddenly you realise you are no longer in control. Not that I ever was, but I loved the illusion of it. So, this morning, I left. Because I could. Just for a moment. And I do love my kids. And I am grateful for them. More than anything in the world. But then, you knew that.
There is something beautiful about your child’s singing. I am so grateful for whatever is right in Jem’s life that had her singing in her room with gay abandon this morning as she was tidying and opening her blinds. I am so grateful I was there to hear it. And for the fact that she can keep a tune. So grateful in fact that I’m happy to admit it doesn’t come from me.