I suspect it might be because I’m the giver of nightly fresh food but whatever the reason little Jayde seems to have developed a soft spot for me. She’s always up for a little cuddle, her favourite spot in the evening being on the couch behind my head, often snuggling under my hair. She seems to feel secure there. I’m grateful for the love of a sweet little creature. Whatever the reason.
I am grateful for homecomings. The bliss of B and his girls being together again. For us being whole again. For things being just as they should be.
I think my medication is wearing off. Did I mention I take a mood stabiliser. I prefer that description. I don’t tell many people. It does help me. Not cope, but not fly off the handle, so it helps those around me probably more, cos I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with my tone, my attitude, my shouting, my yelling, my screaming and the next minute, my calm. What’s the matter with everyone? Why are they looking at me funny? Anyway, my pills help keep some stability whilst my hormones are being manipulated elsewhere. But the efficacy definitely wears off. Ask B. My need to control seems to have gone off the richter scale again. I still can’t seem to get why people don’t think like me, I mean really, my motives are so selfless, I’m just trying to protect everyones’ feelings, make everyone’s lives perfect. As defined by me. Not that they asked me to. Or maybe I’m actually just trying to protect myself. By controlling from afar. Protect me from the guilt I do still feel being so far away. Knowing the gap we have left particularly in my folks world. And my intentions might be noble and selfless, but I, like us all, need to let others live their lives, make their own way, build their own relationships or not at all. Even if it’s not the way I would. So it seems, every day, I still learn a lot and let go a little. Or maybe I just need to up my meds.
I got my favourite jacket back today. The jacket I left in a cab on friday night. I found delicious cut up prepared raw butternut today. The kind you just pop into the oven, like from home. With the emphasis on peeled and cut up. I bought a juicer and Jem and I made our first ever green juice, the reason I bought the juicer. Spinach leaves, kale, celery, cucumber, apple, ice. Delicious. Even Kate said so. And she refused to try it at first because something so healthy and full of greens must be yuck. I made roast chicken for dinner with homemade gravy that I caught Jem slurping up like soup. To reward myself for my healthy green juice, I indulged in half a slab of the most delicious organic milk chocolate in the whole entire world, which I have a friend to thank for. I said goodnight to Kate as I do every night but tonight it dissolved into a giggle fest. I am grateful for the little things today. The little indulgences that for a moment made my heart sing. And especially because I noticed.
I am grateful for friends who know how long a long weekend can be. For a day filled with laughs. Many laughs. And for a boyfriend pillow to come home to. Okay, it’s Kate’s, but it is very comforting. A bit odd, and very funny. I just had to have a cuddle.
I opened my computer midday today to be greeted by this little alert. I am grateful for cheeky little girls who know how much I love them. And who share my sense of humour. And who have their own gmail accounts so I could do exactly as she asked when she asked.
I’m trying to understand why women do it. Stay with men who abuse them. Physically or emotionally. Stay with men who repeatedly have affairs. It saddens me that perhaps its because they feel thats as good as it gets. That they are more fearful of being alone, of not deserving more, of not being financially sound, of what people might think, of shattering the illusion of happy families. It all just saddens me because it is just sad, when a persons hopes and beliefs about love and care and trust and respect are continually shattered. I do understand the need to protect and provide for our children, but accepting abuse is not doing that. No matter how much you love. Or are loved. It is teaching your son its ok to treat women in this way and teaching your daughters that they don’t deserve more. Imagine how much taking a stand might teach them. It will be sore and devastating and often financially debilitating but it has to be better. In ways you won’t know now but your children will one day thank you for. What saddens me most is all the excuses. It is simply not okay to abuse anyone. No-one gets to avoid taking responsibility. Everyone, everyone has a choice. Not to do it. And not to accept it.
I am grateful for tuesday evenings, no I lie, I have become grateful for tuesday evenings. Now I see it as my ‘mindful picking up balls meditation’. (I do try not to count.) There is something about quietly picking up tennis balls with a tube tennis picker upper (obviously) for an hour, that is calming and reflective. I love being the quiet observer. There but not there. Just for an hour. Now if I could only figure a way to make the girls actually enjoy tennis, but I am grateful that they do it for me. They will thank me one day. They will.
I love what Lynn said about her being precious. About what is precious to her. This unchartered territory thing of teens is quite challenging. Often delightfully so, but sometimes, I am alarmed. And not at the teens. I seem to be ranting a tad, but I too tend to be a little precious about the things that I hold dear. And I hold all children dear. I know I’m not a prude and I really think I have quite an open and often novel view of the world. But I just don’t think its ok for parents to have parties for 14 turning 15 year olds and provide alcohol. I’m not sure if they are just lost, misguided, trying too hard to be cool parents or have just given up. Which would be sad. Maybe I’m just old fashioned. But that would mean being a bit behind, a bit unaware, maybe a bit blinkered. Not having an open view of the world as it is today. And I think I do. So is being ‘a cool parent’ refusing to set boundaries and consequences. Just giving up on parenting. Not caring enough. I know kids will experiment and should experiment and I know I shudder at what I got up to as a teenager, and that it is necessary to challenge the boundaries, and I know we would prefer to have our kids misbehaving in our homes. But really. The boundaries need to be set to be able to be challenged. Alcohol was never provided at our parties when I was 14. Or 15. We were not encouraged to get trashed. Am I wrong? Have I really got it that wrong? Am I really just old fashioned? And if that is what it is, then I am really cool with not being a cool parent. Because I love my kids far more than I love being cool.
I am very grateful to my niece Georgia who is doing an assignment on life changing experiences and is using me. I am grateful not because I think I’m worthy, but because it sent me on a trip down memory lane as I had to source photos for her. And it reminded me especially oh how much I love and am grateful for my never straight never curly hair, my not quite as thick as they were eyebrows, my sparse eyelashes. Oh, and my health. Thanks Georgie for reminding me how much I still take for granted and how much I have to be grateful for. And that includes you.
grace and dignity 