We found my wig today. I put it on and Kate said take it off it’s horrid. Much the same response they both had when I first bought it. Which was one of the reasons I never wore it. Probably the worst purchase I have ever made. And not because of the wig (and it was horrid but it was the closest we could get, even after being styled to my old hair) but the fact that I had to shop for one. Bizarre and awful. I know the wigs made many feel whole again, for me it just underlined the fact that I wasn’t. Weird but I felt like I stood out more when I wore it than when I was bald. My mistake was trying to be me. I wish I had had the courage at the time to be mad, go blonde, go blue, go black. I just didn’t feel fun I guess. Today I am grateful for the fun we had with it. And that I never wore it.
I’m trying to understand why women do it. Stay with men who abuse them. Physically or emotionally. Stay with men who repeatedly have affairs. It saddens me that perhaps its because they feel thats as good as it gets. That they are more fearful of being alone, of not deserving more, of not being financially sound, of what people might think, of shattering the illusion of happy families. It all just saddens me because it is just sad, when a persons hopes and beliefs about love and care and trust and respect are continually shattered. I do understand the need to protect and provide for our children, but accepting abuse is not doing that. No matter how much you love. Or are loved. It is teaching your son its ok to treat women in this way and teaching your daughters that they don’t deserve more. Imagine how much taking a stand might teach them. It will be sore and devastating and often financially debilitating but it has to be better. In ways you won’t know now but your children will one day thank you for. What saddens me most is all the excuses. It is simply not okay to abuse anyone. No-one gets to avoid taking responsibility. Everyone, everyone has a choice. Not to do it. And not to accept it.
When both our beautiful daughters were born I remember being overwhelmed, not only with love (and relief that it was all over), but also with gratitude that they were healthy. And still today, right now, this moment, I am so very grateful that my precious girls are healthy. I do know this is something most of us do take for granted and seldom even realise or even consider how grateful we should be for that reality. Every now and then something makes us stop and think and give thanks. Today it was the link I was given to a youtube clip of a wonderful brave young boy with cerebral palsy. What a beautiful boy and family, who bring joy and empathy and compassion to the fore in so many people. The wonderful image of his courage and tenacity hasn’t left me all day.