swearword

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I have never professed to be a perfect mother. No-one really is, we all just try our best. This morning was one of those less perfect moments. For some reason I have not got my oomph back since our trip so am playing catch up all the time. We were running late for school, I had only got to bed well after midnight trying to fix a washing machine that had clothing soaking and locked in it, the pest control people were coming in at 8.30 to do their annual spray thingy, I was trying to tidy up at least a bit, whilst brushing my teeth and Jem was waiting for me to do her hair and I was throwing on my clothes, knowing I still had heaps to do when Kate started calling Mom, mom, mo-o-o-o-mmm, mo-o-om. Mom! Ohh, fuck off, I said. It was what I felt so I said it. Just quietly and matter of factly. Enough. Jem was in earshot, caught my eye, she looked horrified and I looked sheepish. We burst out laughing. I did explain that I didn’t really mean it, I just meant it a little bit.  Because sometimes, just sometimes, just for a little bit, I do hate the word mom.

one hundred and nine

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I am grateful and so very very blessed to have a life partner like B. I am sad that we aren’t together today to celebrate his birthday but am still so very grateful that I have him, no matter where he is. I am grateful to be loved by and to love my best friend, my conscience, my lover, my hero, my truth. We are not perfect, but imperfect is perfect, because it is what it is. It is what we are. We are mad, we are volatile, we are harsh, we are impossible. But we are never indifferent. My wish for us, and for you, my angel, this year is peace. (It really is, but I also just wanted to share the pic Jem took of her peace word on her window. How cool is that.) I love you Bryan with all my heart, today and forever. And today and forever, I am so very grateful for you. (Oh and by the way, this is your birthday card.).

one hundred and eight

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Tonight I was grateful for the easily understood problem solving steps for my miele washing machine. (A golden problem as B would put it, I know, but a damn inconvenience nonetheless). And for the easily accessible online instruction manual because someone seems to have hidden my house file. I am also grateful that I was able to manage a wry smile at the fact that whenever I am on my own, things requiring a technical mind go wrong. What is with that.

a gift

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Arienne and I had a chat with an inspiring woman today. An unexpected gift, this chat. She is a fifty something stylish elegant Canadian woman who has lived in Australia since she was nineteen. She is a true example of a woman living her life by her ideals. Living fearlessly. She was driving home late last friday afternoon (she lives in Eumundi which is a bit away from town), when she spotted three young hitchhikers. She noticed them particularly because the only girl was carrying a suitcase. Who hitchhikes with a suitcase, she wondered. And the poor girl was struggling a bit. And there was a storm brewing. And they were carrying a sign for Airlie Beach. Which is over 800kms away. She passed them and then seeing the sky, she turned back. She asked if they knew how far away Airlie beach was. A dutch boy and a french boy and girl, they clearly didn’t. Nor that it was illegal to hitchhike in Australia. She thinks it was because she was once looked after as a young hitchhiker that made her offer. Offer to give them a lift. And a place to stay for the night because of the impending storm. The trio graciously declined and said they would attempt to get a bit further. She gave them her number to call her if they changed their mind. And off she went. They did. And what a perfectly wonderful evening she had. What lovely young graduates with much to share. And even more perfect when the young frenchman said he would like to contribute to dinner as he had some food with him.  She was not expecting Tasmanian Salmon.  In a backpack en route to Airlie Beach. How perfectly french. She giggled and laughed and remembered as she shared. What a gift to her that evening was. How many of us would have done that? How many of us would have even considered it? The compassion, empathy and concern for others so outweighed her concern for herself. How wonderful to live a life free of fear. How inspiring. What a wonderful gift she gave them. The gift of her, of her time, of her lack of judgement. The gift of kindness. What a wonderful gift she gave us today. By simply sharing.

one hundred and seven

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I am grateful Kate couldn’t go to her tennis lesson this evening. I am grateful because I got to take her place. It poured with rain, Jem and I got soaked. But what fun we had. What fun I had.

tick tock

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Today’s the day it happened. Today’s the day my baby grew up. Tonight was the first time Jem spent her evening in her room, rather than lying on the other couch in the lounge with me. Or watching tv in the tv room while cuddling Jayde. Tonight she was in her room with the door closed. For the first time. With peals of laughter and much chatting going on. Without us. With boys and girls from her grade. I had to agree to her downloading Skype because all her friends have and because she’s never nagged me for anything. She’s graciously accepted my no’s to facebook and a mobile phone. But mostly because I’m ok with it. Skype that is, as long as my rules of whom and when are followed. But as much as I like to think it’s all on my terms, the fact is she spent the evening in her room. For the first time ever. With the door closed. I did pop in from time to time, as you do. But mostly, I just let her be.

.

one hundred and six

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Between homework, facebook, instagram, tumblr, skype I never ever get a look in after dinner these days. So today I’m grateful for an unexpected treat, Kate cuddling up to me on the couch. And no, it’s not because Bondi Rescue came on as she wandered past.  Oh, ok it might be. Anyway who cares, I’ll gratefully take what I get.

one hundred and five

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I am grateful for how fickle I am. I was feeling a tad sunday night blues ish when as I unpacked my weekend bags I felt a rush of elation at discovering my g-star purchase. I am grateful today at how much better a new pair of jeans made me feel. Fickle schmickle. I am woman, hear me roar.

okay

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Is it just me? Is it just me who lashes out when they mean to do the opposite. Who pushes away when they want to be held? Who gets angry when they are really just sad? B has stayed behind in South Africa for a month. I said I was okay with it, because I am. But I’m also not. I hate him not being here. I joke that I never signed up to be a single mom, and it is a joke. Sort of. I am better at everything when he is here. I am okay with it because I now know I can cope with most things I may have to encounter. I am okay with it, because we need me to be. And I will make the most of it, as will he. And I will find the moments to remind me of how blessed I am, how blessed we are, and it will be okay. But just for tonight I’ll blame extended jet lag, late nights, sunday night blues, not speaking to B for a while for my sadness, and for me being tired of having to be okay.

one hundred and four

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I am grateful for frozen margaritas. Many frozen margaritas. And for a brother-in-law who loves them as much as I do. And who loves my daughters as much as I love his. And for an extended birthday celebration that gave us a good reason to have many frozen margaritas. Not that we needed one.