lucky

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My husband really must love me. I am completely and utterly impossible. Arrogant and self absorbed and really really lucky. Lucky because I have a partner who just gets me and really does accept me. Warts and all. I thought about this particularly this morning as I walked into the bathroom while B was showering to get something. I can’t remember what. Anyway, B loves to chat in the morning, especially when he’s in the shower and he has been sensitive to my feeling a bit off colour the last couple of days.  Sooooo, sweetie, he starts. I simply shake my head, without even looking at him. Fetch what I need to fetch and walk out. As if to say, no, not now. Don’t talk to me, don’t engage with me on any level. Not now. He simply carries on with his shower, not offended, not even bothering to comment, not even muttering, bitch under his tongue. Which if I were him I would have. As I walked away I actually thought, bitch, who do you think you are and burst out laughing. Tail between my legs I went back into the bathroom and asked B how the hell he put up with me. He just shrugged. It must be love.

two hundred and fourteen

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I am grateful for four letters today. To receive handwritten letters from my teenage daughter is such a wonderful treat. I can’t explain the feeling of holding the letters she has actually written. I am grateful for this experience, so we can all know the beauty of writing, sharing and anticipation. She says she is having a fabulous time. Not even raking sawdust in the long drop loos is putting her off.  I am grateful that all is okay in her world. Because that means all is okay in my world again. I am so letting go. I am.

moving forward

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This exploring oneself stuff is very uncomfortable, quite unsettling and very liberating. My focus has been on healing myself, and doing whatever it takes to do that. But its been mostly external. Surgery, medication, whatever it took.  An enforced slowing down, being still (ok, well a bit stiller), attempting to reduce my overachievement stress and focusing on all that is beautiful and here and now has helped me heal. But I have very neatly avoided dealing with the why. B knows how wonderfully I deal with things that make me uncomfortable. Not now. I’m too busy, too tired, too whatever. Ignorance can be bliss. Fear is not. I do believe an accelerated growth of cancer cells is triggered by something. I also do believe that with a depleted immune system due to excess stress, lack of exercise, an A type personality, control freakish tendencies, putting others first, a lack of focus on myself created a fabulous environment for the cancer to thrive. And then some. But still there is the why. The pull the rug from underneath me thing that set it off. Because I do believe it is conflict about something. Something that mattered the world to me.The point for me about exploring the why is not to dwell on it but to understand and release it all and move forward. So in the words of another I lovingly forgive and release all of the past. I choose to fill my life with joy. I love and approve of myself.

two hundred and twelve

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Arienne and I had a giggle as we glimpsed ourselves in the future. These two wonderful women were having a delightfully animated discussion punctuated with peals of laughter on the grass verge next to main beach today. Just like we were. The one had a bun, the other lovely curly hair, just like we do. They were as delightful in reality as I imagined them to be. And loved that I wanted to photograph them.  I am grateful for the wonderful reminder that no matter your age or your story, there is always beauty in a moment shared with a friend.

two hundred and eleven

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I rushed in to do a quick grocery shop today and found myself mesmerised by this wonderful older couple. They chatted and discussed every little purchase with much intensity and care. I overheard as she told him she’d found some of his favourite mints which she thought he’d enjoy on the journey home. He thanked her. He wandered off on instruction to return a packet of fresh beans to the grocery section. I must admit I was loath to leave their sweet presence but I had to make my selection and move on. I was down the next aisle when I noticed the gentleman shuffling past heading in the opposite direction looking down all the aisles for his wife. I went back to where she was and told her he had gone past looking for her and should I get him for her. She sweetly told me not to worry and headed off after him. Next I saw them it was whilst unpacking their trolley at the checkout and I had to capture them. I didn’t want to intrude by asking for their photograph. Hence my slightly voyeuristic shot. But it was more my observation of them that I was grateful for today. For a little flash of hopefully how B and I will be one day. They were so caring of each other, it genuinely brought tears to my eyes.  On leaving the centre I spotted them again, in a little sedan with the elderly gentleman in the driving seat, as he very cautiously backed out of his parking with his precious cargo. Too cautiously for the lady in her 4×4, who rushed past, hooting at him. This threw him a little. I wish everyone would realise that they too will be elderly one day and hopefully somebody will treat them with care, patience, tolerance and respect. I am so grateful to this wonderful pair for unknowingly sharing a bit of their lives with me today. I will hold it dear.

two hundred and ten

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This morning as Jem was about to take a shot of our favourite pelican (we are convinced its the same one that comes back to our favourite spot and nothing anyone says will convince us otherwise) a beautiful black labrador frolicking in the river barked with sheer enjoyment and the pelican took off as if shot. The fright Jem got and the laughter that followed was just priceless. I am grateful for this moment of silly spontaneous hilarity.

two hundred and nine

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11 August.  I’m not superstitious, well not really, but things do come in threes. And especially they say, catastrophes. I love that word, its wonderfully melodramatic. And it has been fairly catastrophic (in a thankfully mundane way but nonetheless) me losing our house and car keys (because I need to tell our mean landlord for the umpteenth time that I’ve lost keys and it seems it’s not a simple matter to replace them but mostly because I hate being in the wrong when it comes to officious difficult people), then smashing my iphone (for the third time, funny that). So today I am grateful B dropped the so very precious spare house key onto a deck, and with my luck, the damn thing fell between the wooden slats. I mean, really. Thankfully to be retrieved but with some effort. But still, I’m grateful because I have decided that is catastrophe number three. And so be it.

two hundred and eight

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10 August. I never stopped laughing yesterday. I am grateful for a friend who is as mad as me, as cheeky as me, as full of shit as me. As sweetly irreverent as me. Who speaks her mind just like me. And is the perfect plus one.

two hundred and seven

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I love a good cup of hot tea. Its comforting. It feels like home. It stills me as it warms me. It is such a simple pleasure that I don’t always ponder. And that I definitely take for granted. Tonight I am grateful for a cup of tea, for the realisation of how therapeutic it actually is. And because it means it’s nearly bedtime.