I was taken out by the knees this past week. I have been feeling far too cocky methinks. So whammo. The accumulative nastiness that is chemo kicked me in the guts. Whoooomph. I am emerging today. Full of self pity and self hatred at the self obsession this reality forces whilst the world is burning. Me, fighting so hard to be here and one sad fuck removes the choice to be here from 49 beautiful innocent people. It is incomprehensible to me. I know to us all. Incomprehensible that love is not enough. That fear dominates. We cannot let it. We dare not let it.
In the world of me, I am 6 days into my third chemo. It has been a struggle. I have hobbled and slept for 6 solid days, interspersed with nausea and pain and darkness and rage and tears and generally cuntish behaviour. There are no reserves of decency to draw from in those deep dark moments so why should I pretend. It is what it is. It destroys you, reduces you to nothingness, but leaves just enough for you to rebuild. And I can. And I do and I will. Because I am here. I still have a choice. When so many don’t.
I rushed in to do a quick grocery shop today and found myself mesmerised by this wonderful older couple. They chatted and discussed every little purchase with much intensity and care. I overheard as she told him she’d found some of his favourite mints which she thought he’d enjoy on the journey home. He thanked her. He wandered off on instruction to return a packet of fresh beans to the grocery section. I must admit I was loath to leave their sweet presence but I had to make my selection and move on. I was down the next aisle when I noticed the gentleman shuffling past heading in the opposite direction looking down all the aisles for his wife. I went back to where she was and told her he had gone past looking for her and should I get him for her. She sweetly told me not to worry and headed off after him. Next I saw them it was whilst unpacking their trolley at the checkout and I had to capture them. I didn’t want to intrude by asking for their photograph. Hence my slightly voyeuristic shot. But it was more my observation of them that I was grateful for today. For a little flash of hopefully how B and I will be one day. They were so caring of each other, it genuinely brought tears to my eyes. On leaving the centre I spotted them again, in a little sedan with the elderly gentleman in the driving seat, as he very cautiously backed out of his parking with his precious cargo. Too cautiously for the lady in her 4×4, who rushed past, hooting at him. This threw him a little. I wish everyone would realise that they too will be elderly one day and hopefully somebody will treat them with care, patience, tolerance and respect. I am so grateful to this wonderful pair for unknowingly sharing a bit of their lives with me today. I will hold it dear.