I have never professed to be a perfect mother. No-one really is, we all just try our best. This morning was one of those less perfect moments. For some reason I have not got my oomph back since our trip so am playing catch up all the time. We were running late for school, I had only got to bed well after midnight trying to fix a washing machine that had clothing soaking and locked in it, the pest control people were coming in at 8.30 to do their annual spray thingy, I was trying to tidy up at least a bit, whilst brushing my teeth and Jem was waiting for me to do her hair and I was throwing on my clothes, knowing I still had heaps to do when Kate started calling Mom, mom, mo-o-o-o-mmm, mo-o-om. Mom! Ohh, fuck off, I said. It was what I felt so I said it. Just quietly and matter of factly. Enough. Jem was in earshot, caught my eye, she looked horrified and I looked sheepish. We burst out laughing. I did explain that I didn’t really mean it, I just meant it a little bit. Because sometimes, just sometimes, just for a little bit, I do hate the word mom.
Tag Archives: love
one hundred and nine
I am grateful and so very very blessed to have a life partner like B. I am sad that we aren’t together today to celebrate his birthday but am still so very grateful that I have him, no matter where he is. I am grateful to be loved by and to love my best friend, my conscience, my lover, my hero, my truth. We are not perfect, but imperfect is perfect, because it is what it is. It is what we are. We are mad, we are volatile, we are harsh, we are impossible. But we are never indifferent. My wish for us, and for you, my angel, this year is peace. (It really is, but I also just wanted to share the pic Jem took of her peace word on her window. How cool is that.) I love you Bryan with all my heart, today and forever. And today and forever, I am so very grateful for you. (Oh and by the way, this is your birthday card.).
one hundred and seven
tick tock
Today’s the day it happened. Today’s the day my baby grew up. Tonight was the first time Jem spent her evening in her room, rather than lying on the other couch in the lounge with me. Or watching tv in the tv room while cuddling Jayde. Tonight she was in her room with the door closed. For the first time. With peals of laughter and much chatting going on. Without us. With boys and girls from her grade. I had to agree to her downloading Skype because all her friends have and because she’s never nagged me for anything. She’s graciously accepted my no’s to facebook and a mobile phone. But mostly because I’m ok with it. Skype that is, as long as my rules of whom and when are followed. But as much as I like to think it’s all on my terms, the fact is she spent the evening in her room. For the first time ever. With the door closed. I did pop in from time to time, as you do. But mostly, I just let her be.
okay
Is it just me? Is it just me who lashes out when they mean to do the opposite. Who pushes away when they want to be held? Who gets angry when they are really just sad? B has stayed behind in South Africa for a month. I said I was okay with it, because I am. But I’m also not. I hate him not being here. I joke that I never signed up to be a single mom, and it is a joke. Sort of. I am better at everything when he is here. I am okay with it because I now know I can cope with most things I may have to encounter. I am okay with it, because we need me to be. And I will make the most of it, as will he. And I will find the moments to remind me of how blessed I am, how blessed we are, and it will be okay. But just for tonight I’ll blame extended jet lag, late nights, sunday night blues, not speaking to B for a while for my sadness, and for me being tired of having to be okay.
one hundred and three
one hundred and two

Today was a bit tough. A combination of jet lag and a zoladex implant into my stomach had me feeling a little sorry for myself. I am grateful I never asked for a rain check on pizza’s and Chandon. And friendship and laughter. It was just what I needed.
one hundred and one
ninety nine
23 April. We had a stopover in Jhb en route to Sydney. I am very grateful my family came to see us off. Mostly I am grateful for the pinches Anna gave Granny to make her smile which made us all laugh. And helped me hide the tears. It doesn’t get easier leaving, it just gets more familiar. I am grateful for the knowledge of future meetings. In truth, it’s the only thing that helps.
ninety eight
22 April. I am grateful for laughter, for laughter so loud it’s almost madness. For memories of Mutt and Jeff and being called Linky. And for wonderfully irreverent colleagues who will forever remain friends. Friends who will travel over a mountain, catch up a lifetime in an hour, inspire you simply by who they are, share a bond in a minute, genuinely wish you happiness and contentment. And you them. Forever. I am so very grateful for the support, love, irritability, hot flushes and honesty we share. And for having a friend who wrote the most fabulous cookbook ever.






