Not a day I celebrate with mush, but I would be odd if today didn’t make me think about relationships. And how blessed I am. So today I am grateful for B and I. For us. For the love we share. For the humour we share. For the children we share. For the honesty we share. For the shit we share. For the life we share. I love us.
No-one said it was going to be easy. To be the mother of a teenager. And I am keeping it in perspective. I am. But this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. And exactly what I knew was going to happen. And exactly what I told myself I had to step back from and let happen. My baby being hurt and let down by some little prick. I know she believed he was more than he was capable of being right now, but he should never have let her believe it. I do have compassion for this boy, because he is going through some serious stuff right now. Far too heavy for a boy of his age, let alone a girl of Kate’s age and sensitivity to be dealing with. I think he gets this and wants to protect her from it but is incapable of treating her with the respect she deserves. Well, I hope he gets this. Or of understanding how much true compassion and empathy she has. He couldn’t have wished to have a more perfect angel at his side right now, but he has no idea how broad and beautiful her wings are. He has no idea how to lean on her. And nor does she know truly what she has. But I see it, fuck do I see it. Maybe I should thank him for not forcing her to find out just yet. She gave him chance after chance after chance to be the man I think he is down deep inside.To be the person she saw he was, or is going to be. He made her happy, but he also made her sad. So very very sad. And for that I’d like to wring his neck. And mine and B’s, for knowing we were right to forbid it, but didn’t, because we knew it was her choice to make.
Today I am grateful for how fresh flowers can make everything seem so much lighter and brighter. I don’t buy them too often here because they are a silly price, but as I drove past the fresh flowers here sign I remembered how they always filled our home in SA and how they made me feel. And decided we needed a bit of that today. And tomorrow.
I did beat myself up at 3 am this morning when the alcohol I imbibed woke me up. Pathetic. Embarrassing. Well, that’s that, because after all I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. So at 3 am this morning I gave myself permission to accept my failings and no longer do this silly alcohol fast for the month of feb. But at 7.30 am when I finally gave up wrestling with my interrupted sleep patterns, I realised I always prided myself on being grey, but was horrified to realise I’m actually black and white. There are simply too many absolutes in my world. Like the fact that you only get one chance with me. There is an invisible line that only I know and once that’s crossed, that’s it. So, instead today I gave myself permission to forgive. Me for my silly glass or two or three of wine and you for letting me down. And so it continues. One gracious step at a time.
I am grateful for the most perfect Sunday morning spent with beautiful girl friends. Beautiful friends who haven’t forgotten how much fun can be had with an ocean and a wave. Even if most of us are a bit older than 40.
I am grateful for the friends Kate and Jem have found here. I know they thought they never would. And I know it isn’t always rosy, but that’s just life. It isn’t always rosy. But a measure of a true friend is one who is still there, no matter what you or she said. Kate and Jem have these friends and for that I am very grateful. Today and everyday.
This control thing is bothering me a bit. Especially because The Happiness Code Jo gave me says that being a control freak is a sign of a vulnerable self esteem. Apparently the better you feel about yourself the less you need to control everything around you. Hmmm. I actually think there is quite a bit of truth in that. And vulnerable works for me. As opposed to low. I think I do have a vulnerable self esteem. It wobbles a bit from time to time. Hence my constant need for validation. Which is apparently linked to over achieving… the more I achieve, the more I’ll be validated, and the better I’ll feel about myself. Despite this mild epiphany if i”m really honest, it’s something I’ve always known, but the ripple effect of my wobbling from time to time is what’s got me worried. All I’ve ever wanted to do for my girls is help them develop a strong sense of self and self worth. To believe they are good enough. But controlling everything the way I do, or trying to, is probably doing the opposite. I am not letting them make their own mistakes, not letting them learn enough about how much they really are capable of. How they are good enough. And I’m not talking about school work here, but life. Living here has definitely helped me be better at this. I am finally accepting that I am good enough. But sometimes I wobble. Like we all do. I am wobbling less and less and learning to let go more and more. I am. Except maybe of the packing of the dishwasher. They just don’t do it right.
What a wonderful moment this morning when we realised a beautiful Galah was in the tree above us. I am grateful to be living in a country where cockatoos fly free. I am grateful to Grant for instilling a love for them in us via a soft toy long before we even knew what they were. Or where we’d be. I am grateful for the moment to enjoy its beauty and am determined to forever be amazed by their abundant presence.
What is it with my need for things to be a certain way. Jay chuckled when I moved the yellow 4kg weight at gym this am off the blue 2kg row, where someone had put it, back to the row of yellow weights, where it so obviously belonged. It was amusing. But he had absolutely no idea how much it really did bother me. And don’t get the wrong impression, I am not a neatness freak. It’s not that. My cupboards are an abomination. Another word I love. But I do like to feel in control, and maybe that’s why I focus on the things I can control, like the damn weights, because there is so much I can’t.
I get to drive along this river every single day. I am extremely grateful that this is my route to virtually everywhere, including Kate and Jem’s school. I am grateful because it takes just 3 mins. And because it gives me a moments pause to reflect on the things I should or shouldn’t have said.
grace and dignity 