I am grateful for books. For new books, for secondhand books and for rare books. For fiction and non-fiction. For coffee table and for bedside. I love all books. Except e-books. I am grateful I have a love for books and for reading. I love that my girls do too. I am especially grateful for the morning spent browsing in Berkelouw books. A new thing for our family to do together. After breakfast out of course.
I am grateful for a warm cheek nuzzle. Not sure if nuzzle’s a word or if it captures that moment every morning when I wake Jem with a kiss, squishing my lips and face into her warm from sleep cheek, inhaling her smell. A cheek nuzzle. It is the best time of the day for me, and I am very grateful I get to do it every morning. And that I get a nuzzle back. Kate gets a cheek nuzzle too, and a chuckle cos she really doesn’t like it anymore, now she’s a teenager and hates anybody who deigns to wake her. So I am so very grateful for the cheek nuzzle with Jem moment. Long may it last.
I think my medication is wearing off. Did I mention I take a mood stabiliser. I prefer that description. I don’t tell many people. It does help me. Not cope, but not fly off the handle, so it helps those around me probably more, cos I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with my tone, my attitude, my shouting, my yelling, my screaming and the next minute, my calm. What’s the matter with everyone? Why are they looking at me funny? Anyway, my pills help keep some stability whilst my hormones are being manipulated elsewhere. But the efficacy definitely wears off. Ask B. My need to control seems to have gone off the richter scale again. I still can’t seem to get why people don’t think like me, I mean really, my motives are so selfless, I’m just trying to protect everyones’ feelings, make everyone’s lives perfect. As defined by me. Not that they asked me to. Or maybe I’m actually just trying to protect myself. By controlling from afar. Protect me from the guilt I do still feel being so far away. Knowing the gap we have left particularly in my folks world. And my intentions might be noble and selfless, but I, like us all, need to let others live their lives, make their own way, build their own relationships or not at all. Even if it’s not the way I would. So it seems, every day, I still learn a lot and let go a little. Or maybe I just need to up my meds.
It’s clearly too early for the benefits of my green juice a day to kick in. My energy levels are a bit low. So I cut my morning run aka shuffle short and sat with my coffee and watched the ocean whilst I waited for my friends. I am grateful for that moment of solitude, that moment of stillness, but mostly for the feel of the beautiful winter sun on my upturned face. Pure bliss.
I am grateful for a moment with Jem in science today.
I think maybe I’ve mellowed. As a parent I mean. Or maybe it’s because there’s another me in the family now, who has the energy and tenacity of a nearly 15 year old. Jem was on her laptop, and I could see what she was doing from where I sat. I noticed with idle interest the blood and screaming and stuff. Some trailer for some extremely gorey completely revolting horror movie. Kate took one look and said Jemma, what are you watching. In a very stern voice. Followed by that is completely inappropriate. I must admit I just sat there, feeling a tad embarrassed. She was absolutely right. The really funny bit was, Jem listened to her, turning it off. Then looked at me, as we sheepishly smiled at each other. Yeah Jem, what she said. It’s happening already. I’m sure I was at least eighteen before I knew I knew better than my mom. The thing is, I never really did. But shit, I think Kate does.
I got my favourite jacket back today. The jacket I left in a cab on friday night. I found delicious cut up prepared raw butternut today. The kind you just pop into the oven, like from home. With the emphasis on peeled and cut up. I bought a juicer and Jem and I made our first ever green juice, the reason I bought the juicer. Spinach leaves, kale, celery, cucumber, apple, ice. Delicious. Even Kate said so. And she refused to try it at first because something so healthy and full of greens must be yuck. I made roast chicken for dinner with homemade gravy that I caught Jem slurping up like soup. To reward myself for my healthy green juice, I indulged in half a slab of the most delicious organic milk chocolate in the whole entire world, which I have a friend to thank for. I said goodnight to Kate as I do every night but tonight it dissolved into a giggle fest. I am grateful for the little things today. The little indulgences that for a moment made my heart sing. And especially because I noticed.
I am grateful for friends who know how long a long weekend can be. For a day filled with laughs. Many laughs. And for a boyfriend pillow to come home to. Okay, it’s Kate’s, but it is very comforting. A bit odd, and very funny. I just had to have a cuddle.
I am very grateful for lazy rainy sunday mornings. Climbing back into bed with my morning coffee, my mac and my fur. Perfection. Well almost.
I am humbled, and often surprised to be honest, by who is reading me. And very grateful that my musings, and often my rants strike a chord with some of you in some way. Mostly because whether it’s crap about cancer, relationships, teenagers, children, moving home, moving country, surviving in a new one etc etc, most of you it seems can relate in some way to my venting. Even if it’s not always particularly attractive. And sometimes a tad uncomfortable. And maybe sometimes a little too much. So for you, and for me I’ll continue. But mostly because I have to finish my 365 gratefuls. Which brings me to my next point. It seems some and I have to admit mostly men (sorry) and in fairness those new to me, can’t understand why some of my posts are numbered. And some not. Oy vey. Ok … so, the numbered posts started at one and are currently at one hundred and forty six and are stored under category grateful posts 365. This was the starting point of all of this. For 365 days (aka one year)I need to formalise via this blog one thing I am grateful for. To help me focus on what I have, not what I don’t have. To acknowledge in the down days how much I have to be grateful for, the unexpected, the mundane, the expected. Gratitude is everything. This led to some questions from you about what where and how I am today, so the musings, sharings and ventings started, categorised mostly under stuff, but some also under why, which is where you’ll find this one. The three categories are on the right hand side of the home page (why, stuff, grateful posts 365) but you can also highlight any of the blue tags to see blogs on a particular subject, be it love, friends, wine, breast cancer whatever, whatever. Hope this makes a little sense. I have to say I know this is weird for some of you, confronting for others, helpful to others. But those who get it, who get me and the need for this, I thank you. Because it really is helping me.
grace and dignity 