I am horrified at how rapidly my eyes are getting weaker. I realised today I can’t even do groceries without my readers … not if I want to read any form of small print. They are just all so uninspiring. So, at the risk of being seen as very shallow I am so grateful for online shopping today, and the four pairs of funky readers I ordered, from vintage to cats eyes and even George Burns inspired ones.
Those who know me will have heard me saying, often, depending on what decision I’m needing to justify, that love for children, I believe is spelt t.i.m.e. I’m being self deprecating but I do actually believe it. Even though I’m not always very good at showing it. Nonetheless, for me, the notion of quality time is just that, a notion. When we decide now I have some time for quality time with my kids might just not be the time when listening or sharing or being is happening or wanted or needed. Obviously we can’t all be with our children when they wish or when its needed, but we can all try and be present when we are there. And try fill our time less. Just hang a bit more. Be still a bit more. Share t.i.m.e, aka love a bit more. Actually what got me thinking about this was this am as B tried to FaceTime with us. He is 8hours behind so for him it was midnight so he was quiet and gentle and wanted to chat to his girls. But his time for quality time was not theirs. Kate’s response was I’m doing my hair. And Jem was at band. And one might think he could have called earlier but he tried that the day before, and did get Jem, but Kate simply couldn’t open her teenage eyes. So to B’s credit, he just hung around on FaceTime, being in the morningness of home. It reminded me of how to spell love, and how tough this must be for B. Being away I mean. Because the one thing he doesn’t have with his girls is time.
I am grateful for shiny floors and a sparkling apartment. Especially because for the first time in over two years, it wasn’t done by me. I can’t believe how much I took having my home cleaned by someone other than myself, every single day, for granted. I am grateful that now I no longer do.
We were all in tears tonight. All three of us girls. Jem over her friends (girls can be such little bitches), Kate over a boy (boys can be so pathetic) and me just because I felt like it. It was either too long a long weekend, which is when I think we all do feel B not being home the most. Or it was all the oestrogen. Or the lack of in my case. If we aren’t crying, we’re yelling, or we’re laughing. Sometimes even all at the same time. Menopause and puberty were simply not supposed to happen simultaneously. It can all just get a bit messy. But the messy emotional girly stuff isn’t always all that bad. Sometimes it’s just necessary. Sometimes it’s just what is needed.
I am grateful for exquisite late autumn days. For the perfect crisp air, for the shimmer of the sun off the ocean, for the soft white not too hot to walk on sand. For a beautiful place with kind friends, who help make a long weekend not quite so long.
I am grateful to the kind gentleman who took this photo of Arienne and I as we were waiting to start the Noosa News 5km Run/Walk Breast Cancer thingy. Not only for the chuckle but for how earnestly he applied himself to the task. It was a priceless moment. For him too.
I am grateful for perfectly still saturday mornings. For the view from the bench that should bear my name. But mostly I am grateful that it still takes my breath away.
I just loved today. I am grateful for the wonderful feeling I had all day, I’m not even sure how to describe it. Peaceful, maybe. Not the day, but the feeling. A day that started with a birthday breakfast next to the ocean and a new favourite song and ended with Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist with the two girls I love most in the world. I am so grateful to know I have all I need. And then some.
I have never professed to be a perfect mother. No-one really is, we all just try our best. This morning was one of those less perfect moments. For some reason I have not got my oomph back since our trip so am playing catch up all the time. We were running late for school, I had only got to bed well after midnight trying to fix a washing machine that had clothing soaking and locked in it, the pest control people were coming in at 8.30 to do their annual spray thingy, I was trying to tidy up at least a bit, whilst brushing my teeth and Jem was waiting for me to do her hair and I was throwing on my clothes, knowing I still had heaps to do when Kate started calling Mom, mom, mo-o-o-o-mmm, mo-o-om. Mom! Ohh, fuck off, I said. It was what I felt so I said it. Just quietly and matter of factly. Enough. Jem was in earshot, caught my eye, she looked horrified and I looked sheepish. We burst out laughing. I did explain that I didn’t really mean it, I just meant it a little bit. Because sometimes, just sometimes, just for a little bit, I do hate the word mom.
I am grateful and so very very blessed to have a life partner like B. I am sad that we aren’t together today to celebrate his birthday but am still so very grateful that I have him, no matter where he is. I am grateful to be loved by and to love my best friend, my conscience, my lover, my hero, my truth. We are not perfect, but imperfect is perfect, because it is what it is. It is what we are. We are mad, we are volatile, we are harsh, we are impossible. But we are never indifferent. My wish for us, and for you, my angel, this year is peace. (It really is, but I also just wanted to share the pic Jem took of her peace word on her window. How cool is that.) I love you Bryan with all my heart, today and forever. And today and forever, I am so very grateful for you. (Oh and by the way, this is your birthday card.).
grace and dignity 