enough

I was taken out by the knees this past week. I have been feeling far too cocky methinks. So whammo. The accumulative nastiness that is chemo kicked me in the guts. Whoooomph. I am emerging today. Full of self pity and self hatred at the self obsession this reality forces whilst the world is burning. Me, fighting so hard to be here and one sad fuck removes the choice to be here from 49 beautiful innocent people. It is incomprehensible to me. I know to us all. Incomprehensible that love is not enough. That fear dominates. We cannot let it. We dare not let it.

In the world of me, I am 6 days into my third chemo. It has been a struggle. I have hobbled and slept for 6 solid days, interspersed with nausea and pain and darkness and rage and tears and generally cuntish behaviour. There are no reserves of decency to draw from in those deep dark moments so why should I pretend. It is what it is. It destroys you, reduces you to nothingness, but leaves just enough for you to rebuild. And I can. And I do and I will. Because I am here. I still have a choice. When so many don’t.