I was taken out by the knees this past week. I have been feeling far too cocky methinks. So whammo. The accumulative nastiness that is chemo kicked me in the guts. Whoooomph. I am emerging today. Full of self pity and self hatred at the self obsession this reality forces whilst the world is burning. Me, fighting so hard to be here and one sad fuck removes the choice to be here from 49 beautiful innocent people. It is incomprehensible to me. I know to us all. Incomprehensible that love is not enough. That fear dominates. We cannot let it. We dare not let it.

In the world of me, I am 6 days into my third chemo. It has been a struggle. I have hobbled and slept for 6 solid days, interspersed with nausea and pain and darkness and rage and tears and generally cuntish behaviour. There are no reserves of decency to draw from in those deep dark moments so why should I pretend. It is what it is. It destroys you, reduces you to nothingness, but leaves just enough for you to rebuild. And I can. And I do and I will. Because I am here. I still have a choice. When so many don’t.

12 thoughts on “enough

  1. I read all your posts, I become humble when I read them. I am a typical Mount edgecombe mom with with children and private schools, a home and a husband. I still find time to complain and moan, and the rawness of your honesty reminds me that I am just me

    • Sara, how beautiful of you to comment. And believe you me I moan all the time. About all the little stuff too!! Life is the mundane, the big , the small. And all of it, beautiful!!! As are you. We are all enough. Just as we are xxxxx

    • Abo, seriously, did you think you were that forgettable!!? Not a fucking chance! Thank you for your thoughts from both Bryan and I. That you like my writing blows me away a tad.

  2. From facebook

    Susie Pitts Hold onto that ray of light. Your life is so big, you will have it back soon. Xxxx
    Lianne Cawood Love this thanks Susie ❤️

    Tamara Duran Lianne Cawood… You are nearly there champion xox ❤️
    Lianne Cawood 😘

    Adrienne Hoberman You beautiful beautiful human being. Sending much love💜💜
    Lianne Cawood Thanks A and back to you 😘

    Jennifer Profrock kyk noord en fok voord!!!
    Lianne Cawood Hou baie hiervan!!! 😘

    Samantha Yates Schroeder So beautifully written.. Thank-you for sharing your journey with us again.. Always so brutally honest.. 🙏 love you my brave friend 😘
    Lianne Cawood Love you my unique friend ❤️

    Janine Daniels One tiny step at a time. It is what it is. And there is an end. Slowly and gently. I love you angel. Holding all of you ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Bloody don’t let go 😘
    Janine Daniels Never ! xxx

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker No words. Just love. And lots of it ❤️
    Lianne Cawood And I love our kind of love 😂❤️

    Anna Macklin ALWAYS thinking about you and my beautiful Corrie and the journeys you are both being forced to take again . Incredible women doing your utmost to keep moving forward day by day moment by moment . In awe of you both 💕💕😘😘❤️
    Lianne Cawood Moment by moment. ❤️

    Leigh Thomas 💕💕💕
    Lianne Cawood 😘

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Hold tight Li hang on to that little bit you have left the finish line is close. Love love love 😘
    Lianne Cawood Love love love Debs ❤️

    Lynda Turner ❤
    Lianne Cawood ❤️

    Lesley Oliver You can and you will, beautiful Li. ❤
    Lianne Cawood Love you Les ❤️

    Vanessa Vosloo Sending lots of love and strength 😘😘
    Lianne Cawood Thank you V 😘

    Sandi Unite Holding you in my heart with love and healing blessings. 💚☀️🙏
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Sands. 😘

    Kate Cawood Wish I was there to cuddle you! I love you mom and I’m always thinking of you and how amazing you are! ❤️🌷
    Lianne Cawood My baby I love you so much. You are always here with me ❤️❤️❤️

    Ilona Schreuder 💋💋
    Lianne Cawood 💋

    Samantha Raggett ❤️❤️
    Lianne Cawood ❤️

    Shelley Hopkins Nearly there Bokkie #cancerisacunt #cuntishbehaviouracceptable
    Lianne Cawood 😂😂😂 dammit I love you #onlyonesnotscaredtosaycunt
    Shelley Hopkins 😂😘 love you stukkend xx

    Kath Anderson The power you have with words is the same power you have to conquer this – your absolute honesty is mind blowing. x x x
    Lianne Cawood Wow thanks Kath. I don’t feel very powerful so I’ll hold on to that ❤️

    Corrie Medhurst You can, you do and you will my friend! BPS xxxxxx
    Lianne Cawood Thank you for you my friend. BPS xxxxxx

    Gillian Smith Strength to you. Lifting you up. Keep fighting beautiful Lianne!
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Gilly ❤️❤️

    Nadja O’Keeffe Sending Love and strength your way! Big ….Big ….BIG HUGS #FuckCancer #YouRock #YouAreAWinner #SoMuchLoveForYou xxxxxxxxx
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 10:39pm

    Alison Newby Fletcher Dearest Lianne, Still, at your lowest points, your ability to articulate your journey is immaculate. When words escape most, you find them. You are a master of the pen! Please write more. You are surely helping those on this road to understand the depths of their own feelings (as you have helped me) and those who are standing by and watching this movie now have a colourful insight into the absolute stark reality of the phydical and emotional response to this treatment….albeit slightly different for us all. Sending so much love and strength and encouraging you to keep writing through both the ups and the downs xxx

    Cathy Raggett ❤️

    Heather McNeice Stay strong Lianne, just one more session to go xx

    Kirsten Kairuz Truthful & raw – you choose today every day. Just unbelievably amazing xx

    Janine Allem Perfectly put. As always.
    You are quite remarkable Lianne Cawood.

  3. Pingback: tits up | grace and dignity

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