enough

I was taken out by the knees this past week. I have been feeling far too cocky methinks. So whammo. The accumulative nastiness that is chemo kicked me in the guts. Whoooomph. I am emerging today. Full of self pity and self hatred at the self obsession this reality forces whilst the world is burning. Me, fighting so hard to be here and one sad fuck removes the choice to be here from 49 beautiful innocent people. It is incomprehensible to me. I know to us all. Incomprehensible that love is not enough. That fear dominates. We cannot let it. We dare not let it.

In the world of me, I am 6 days into my third chemo. It has been a struggle. I have hobbled and slept for 6 solid days, interspersed with nausea and pain and darkness and rage and tears and generally cuntish behaviour. There are no reserves of decency to draw from in those deep dark moments so why should I pretend. It is what it is. It destroys you, reduces you to nothingness, but leaves just enough for you to rebuild. And I can. And I do and I will. Because I am here. I still have a choice. When so many don’t.

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11 thoughts on “enough

  1. I read all your posts, I become humble when I read them. I am a typical Mount edgecombe mom with with children and private schools, a home and a husband. I still find time to complain and moan, and the rawness of your honesty reminds me that I am just me

    • Sara, how beautiful of you to comment. And believe you me I moan all the time. About all the little stuff too!! Life is the mundane, the big , the small. And all of it, beautiful!!! As are you. We are all enough. Just as we are xxxxx

    • Abo, seriously, did you think you were that forgettable!!? Not a fucking chance! Thank you for your thoughts from both Bryan and I. That you like my writing blows me away a tad.

  2. From facebook
    Chloe Cawood, Heather McNeice and 36 others

    Susie Pitts Hold onto that ray of light. Your life is so big, you will have it back soon. Xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · June 14 at 10:14am
    Lianne Cawood Love this thanks Susie ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:52pm

    Tamara Duran Lianne Cawood… You are nearly there champion xox ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 11:17am
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:52pm

    Adrienne Hoberman You beautiful beautiful human being. Sending much love💜💜
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 11:22am · Edited
    Lianne Cawood Thanks A and back to you 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 8:53pm

    Jennifer Profrock kyk noord en fok voord!!!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 11:37am
    Lianne Cawood Hou baie hiervan!!! 😘
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:55pm

    Samantha Yates Schroeder So beautifully written.. Thank-you for sharing your journey with us again.. Always so brutally honest.. 🙏 love you my brave friend 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 12:42pm · Edited
    Lianne Cawood Love you my unique friend ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 8:56pm

    Janine Daniels One tiny step at a time. It is what it is. And there is an end. Slowly and gently. I love you angel. Holding all of you ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · June 14 at 1:50pm
    Lianne Cawood Bloody don’t let go 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 8:56pm
    Janine Daniels Never ! xxx
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 9:24pm

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker No words. Just love. And lots of it ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · June 14 at 1:57pm
    Lianne Cawood And I love our kind of love 😂❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 8:57pm

    Anna Macklin ALWAYS thinking about you and my beautiful Corrie and the journeys you are both being forced to take again . Incredible women doing your utmost to keep moving forward day by day moment by moment . In awe of you both 💕💕😘😘❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · June 14 at 2:04pm
    Lianne Cawood Moment by moment. ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:57pm

    Leigh Thomas 💕💕💕
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 2:24pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:57pm

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Hold tight Li hang on to that little bit you have left the finish line is close. Love love love 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 3:41pm
    Lianne Cawood Love love love Debs ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:58pm

    Lynda Turner ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 3:48pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:58pm

    Lesley Oliver You can and you will, beautiful Li. ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 3:54pm
    Lianne Cawood Love you Les ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:58pm

    Vanessa Vosloo Sending lots of love and strength 😘😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 4:27pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you V 😘
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:59pm

    Sandi Unite Holding you in my heart with love and healing blessings. 💚☀️🙏
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 5:09pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Sands. 😘
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 8:59pm

    Kate Cawood Wish I was there to cuddle you! I love you mom and I’m always thinking of you and how amazing you are! ❤️🌷
    Unlike · Reply · 4 · June 14 at 5:19pm
    Lianne Cawood My baby I love you so much. You are always here with me ❤️❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:00pm

    Ilona Schreuder 💋💋
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 5:32pm
    Lianne Cawood 💋
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:00pm

    Samantha Raggett ❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 5:52pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:00pm

    Shelley Hopkins Nearly there Bokkie #cancerisacunt #cuntishbehaviouracceptable
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 5:59pm
    Lianne Cawood 😂😂😂 dammit I love you #onlyonesnotscaredtosaycunt
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 9:01pm
    Shelley Hopkins 😂😘 love you stukkend xx
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:55pm

    Kath Anderson The power you have with words is the same power you have to conquer this – your absolute honesty is mind blowing. x x x
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 6:06pm
    Lianne Cawood Wow thanks Kath. I don’t feel very powerful so I’ll hold on to that ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 9:04pm · Edited

    Corrie Medhurst You can, you do and you will my friend! BPS xxxxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 7:20pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you for you my friend. BPS xxxxxx
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:04pm

    Gillian Smith Strength to you. Lifting you up. Keep fighting beautiful Lianne!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · June 14 at 7:34pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Gilly ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 9:04pm

    Nadja O’Keeffe Sending Love and strength your way! ❤ Big ….Big ….BIG HUGS ❤ #FuckCancer #YouRock #YouAreAWinner #SoMuchLoveForYou xxxxxxxxx
    Like · Reply · June 14 at 10:39pm

    Alison Newby Fletcher Dearest Lianne, Still, at your lowest points, your ability to articulate your journey is immaculate. When words escape most, you find them. You are a master of the pen! Please write more. You are surely helping those on this road to understand the depths of their own feelings (as you have helped me) and those who are standing by and watching this movie now have a colourful insight into the absolute stark reality of the phydical and emotional response to this treatment….albeit slightly different for us all. Sending so much love and strength and encouraging you to keep writing through both the ups and the downs xxx
    Like · Reply · 3 · June 14 at 11:02pm

    Cathy Raggett ❤️
    Like · Reply · June 15 at 1:09am

    Heather McNeice Stay strong Lianne, just one more session to go xx
    Like · Reply · June 15 at 1:19am

    Kirsten Kairuz Truthful & raw – you choose today every day. Just unbelievably amazing xx
    Like · Reply · June 15 at 8:02am

    Janine Allem Perfectly put. As always.
    You are quite remarkable Lianne Cawood.
    Like · Reply · 1 · June 17 at 1:37am

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