11 April. I am grateful for the sunset this evening. Not any sunset, but a sunset over the sea. I never realised how much I had missed it until now. Where we are now the sun rises over the sea. It never sets. I am also grateful for another homecoming. Being with Sandi and Pete in Kommetjie is just perfect. I never realised how much I had missed it until now.
Is it wonderful to be home? It’s wonderful to be with my family. But it feels more and more like a holiday than a trip home. If being with your parents is being home, then yes it is wonderful to be home, but what is home? Is it where you live? Is it where your heart is? Is it where your children are? Is it a feeling? Or is it just an idea? For me it’s all of these things. The first words when we arrived were, is it nice to be home? But as much as this is where I was born, where my parents are, where my brother and his family are and will always be a part of me, it’s not my home anymore. I have wonderful memories of my life here, of my childhood, of growing up, of making mistakes, of learning, of building myself and my career, of falling in love and starting and growing a family, of illness and wonder. All within the wonderful warm embrace of my loving family and caring friends. And that is all with me no matter where I am. But I am now so much a visitor here, four years is a very long time. I look for the familiar and find it and love it, because it makes me belong. But there is so much that is new, or rather that has just moved on, that I am not part of anymore. And that used to scare me but now it doesn’t. It just is. And that’s reassuring. That it doesn’t scare me anymore, I mean. I am always mindful of those I love who still live here, who would rather I said, yes this is still home. But I know that they would rather I embraced where I am and looked forward not backwards. I wrote before that I now know that we can be anywhere and this trip so far has confirmed that. This is so present, yet it feels like my past. And I don’t mean that I want to leave it behind because it is also still my present and always will be within me, but it’s not home. It’s a place I used to feel at home. But I don’t live here anymore.
I’ve been a bit of a grump the past couple of days. I think it’s because our trip home is now only a week away. And whilst I know that should excite me, and it does, and remains one of my gratefuls, it still unnerves me. As it does every year. Because of what it holds. It means I can’t so effectively play avoidance anymore. I can’t pretend I am not fearful of what my doctors might find. I can’t pretend I’m not hopeful that they might tell me all is clear, and no further treatment required. And to be honest, I think that scares me the most of all, no, not the most, but a lot. Because then I will be on my own. Thinking about the possibility of not having someone there checking me all the time feels a little scary. No medication, no implants, no blood tests, no CT scans, no ultrasounds, no three monthly examinations and chats. I know I should be yahoo at the prospect, and I probably will be, eventually. But right now I feel unnerved. And a bit of a fraud too, because I like to believe it’s all up to me, that I am on the right path now. But suddenly, I’m feeling a lot less certain.
Today I am grateful that our flight home for this year has been confirmed. This annual trip home has been the reason I have managed to still be here, knowing that I will see family and special friends at home at least once a year. Every year. For that, I am very very grateful.
Today I am very grateful for school concerts and amateur school videos. It was fabulous to be reminded of those wonderful moments and to see Jem’s smile at the memories. There is nothing like home movie afternoons. And she really was a very cute hippo.
At dinner last night a friend asked me where home was now. After nearly four years here. For all of us, here or there. I always hate those questions. I have since the day we arrived here. Are you happy. Do you miss home. The reason I hate them is because it is so hard to answer them. To be honest. To even know how you really feel, because there is so much stuff that clouds your honest assessment. How can I be happy here, even if I think I might be. Doesn’t that negate the relationships, the people I’ve left behind. How can I be happy here when they aren’t here. And if I say I’m not, what about the opportunity we’ve been given. How can we not put our best foot forward and embrace the adventure. What about all the fabulous friends who have rallied around us and supported us to find our feet here. And how can I not be happy providing a possibly firmer future for my kids. What am I teaching them if I’m always looking backwards. Where do the girls feel more at home? I answered that home for them, in fact for all of us, is where we are. And as I said it last night I realised I meant it. We are where we are meant to be. So, I guess that right now thats here. So, does that mean this is home now? Africa is in my blood and in my heart. It is the country of my birth. It is with me wherever I am. My family is in my heart and in my blood. They are with me wherever I am. I now know I don’t have be anywhere to be home. But I wondered if I had answered correctly for the girls. So I asked them. Jem said, well I was born in South Africa, but I don’t really have a home. Just as my heart cracked, she went on to say, home is where my family is. You, daddy and Kate. Kate didn’t want to answer, then said here. Here?, I said. Australia? She said, well, it’s where we live. So simple. Home truly is wherever we are. And I believe that can be anywhere now.
I wear a little heart around my neck. It is a symbol of love and was given to me by my sister in law. I am grateful for my little heart, because whenever I touch it, it comforts me and I think of her. And when I think of her, I think of endless cups of coffee, endless glasses of red wine, endless laughs and home. It stills me. It helps me find my strength.
I am grateful for this pile of dirty washing. And for the muddle we all found ourselves in this morning. A muddle because there was too much laughter, debate, advice giving, loving, hurrying, even singing, happening. Grateful because it meant B was home.
Today I am grateful for how fresh flowers can make everything seem so much lighter and brighter. I don’t buy them too often here because they are a silly price, but as I drove past the fresh flowers here sign I remembered how they always filled our home in SA and how they made me feel. And decided we needed a bit of that today. And tomorrow.
I was so grateful for our lovely cool light white open apartment today. The crisp cool gently air-conditioned interior was such a relief every time I entered, leaving behind the hot heavy hot humid hot hot air. So spoilt, but truly grateful.
grace and dignity 