straight

The girls want a house. And a dog. I want to stop living in limbo. Or I think I do. I think I want a house too. And a dog. B wants neither. He loves apartment living. I think I might just like the idea of a house and a dog. Because conversely I also like the notion of non attachment. I’m trying to learn to let go and not hold on. Living in limbo enabled that. But I think not being able to make too many decisions because of my health was a huge cop out. And a delightful one too, because we could just avoid doing anything. I feel we’re at a crossroads, or actually a tjunction and I think I want to go straight. B knows I often do just want to go straight. Even when its dangerous. And especially when I can’t. I’ve been waking up with an anxious feeling in my tummy. Anxiety at change. And at permanence. ¬†Even though nothing really is. I think these feelings are all tied up in our decision to buy here. I could smile with a nonchalant air at the question of settling before. I wasn’t rejecting anyone by saying yes or no. But as we get closer to making a decision I realise thats whats unsettling me. I like the idea of settling. Not the reality of it. I’m scared of disappearing. Of anonymity.