I wear a little heart around my neck. It is a symbol of love and was given to me by my sister in law. I am grateful for my little heart, because whenever I touch it, it comforts me and I think of her. And when I think of her, I think of endless cups of coffee, endless glasses of red wine, endless laughs and home. It stills me. It helps me find my strength.
I like my friends. A lot. In fact, I love them. And often for very different reasons. But I don’t always like everything about them. Just like I know they don’t like everything about me. Some get me more than others, some judge me more than others, some are amused by me more than others. And vice versa. Some are very very different to me, and I love that because we teach each other so much. Some are very like me and that’s often more challenging, but delightfully affirming too. Some have very different values, attitudes and spiritual beliefs to me. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends or get each other. I get this. Completely. I wish everyone did.
Not a day I celebrate with mush, but I would be odd if today didn’t make me think about relationships. And how blessed I am. So today I am grateful for B and I. For us. For the love we share. For the humour we share. For the children we share. For the honesty we share. For the shit we share. For the life we share. I love us.
This was my card from B. The small print says…But I really love you all of the time. Happy Birthday. Me. X. I won’t pretend it didn’t piss me off at first. It did. But actually, it was the perfect card. We have both been pissing each other off the last couple of days, just normal couple crap. And it is normal. To have crap I mean. This is the world we live in. Not in the other world that many only share. The world that makes you look at your normal relationship filled with good and crap and wonder what’s wrong with you. Why can’t you be so in love and nauseatingly happy all the time too. Nothing is wrong with you. As long as you are honest. So, if any of you have felt envious of B and I because we have the most fabulous of relationships. Don’t. We don’t and I honestly don’t believe they exist. Not if you are truly honest with yourselves and the real world. But, if you want to envy our honesty. You can. Because of that I am proud. It is what it is. Life is what it is. I wish people would just stop pretending. So, I love my card. It is honest. A schmaltzy we are so fabulous aren’t we and you are the best person on the planet card, would not have been. I don’t like B some of the time either, but I do love him, yes, all of the time.
I am embarassed to admit that’s what I muttered under my breath at Kate this morning. That’s because she was being one. I’ve decided it’s better to mutter. The truth is, the minute your children turn 13, they change. Never mind how perfect they are. They change. Some more subtly than others. The tough part is, you don’t. My views are still the same. But now instead of illiciting fan mail and adoration from her, I get rolled eyes, back chat, walking away, you don’t get it, closed doors. I’ve raged, I’ve ranted, and not my finest hour, I’ve called her names. Aloud. But all I get is that look that makes me feel exactly like that idiotic person I am actually being. That holier than thou look that says she would never stoop so low. And she’s right. So, now, I turn away and mutter under my breath. All with love, of course. And because I do know, sadly, this too will pass.
Today I am grateful for Bryan. Actually I am grateful for him every single minute of every single day. I just don’t tell him enough. I am grateful for his acceptance, his love, his honesty, his trust, his friendship, his time, his commitment. But most of all I am grateful for his respect.
Honestly, that’s what Kate did when she read my first post. Not a derisive snort, but one that precedes giggles and outright laughter. My newly formalised fragile sense of self took one huge knock. It got worse. Cute. She says. You are so serious, it’s cute. Then she checked out my ‘about’ and then post ‘one’. Ohhhhh, you’re posting about what you’re grateful for. Boring was implied tonally. I thought I had made that clear in my ramblings. Obviously not. So now you know. Then she moved on, leaving her mother in tatters. Just for a moment. Stuff it. I decided to tell her how much I love her instead. I am grateful for my beautiful daughter. I am grateful for the fact that she loves me. I stalked her tumblr and found this. And she doesn’t realise it yet, but she’s cute and serious too. www.precious-bliss.tumblr.com
I am grateful for a walk in the rain. Not just a walk in the rain, but for the feeling of today, of just embracing what is. It poured down. I walked and felt the rain. I loved the smiles on others faces, especially those who had raincoats and umbrellas, shielding from the rain under the trees. I know they wanted to be me. Today I was grateful that I was able to walk in the rain and love it.
grace and dignity 