19 April. Little Daemain is one now. The last time he saw Jem he was hardly more than one day old, yet he knows her. I am grateful for the love that is family. The love that was so apparent today in the connection that exists between these two. It is quite remarkable.
I am grateful that a little cherub called Coco, thinks I am her fairy godmother. It is truly wonderful to spend time, even if only once a year with my dear friend Y and her family, especially when it feels like no time has passed. Not even for the children. I am honoured to be little Chloe’s (my real name is Coco) godmother, and am determined to find my wand before her next visit.
Jem loves animals. I know Jem loves Jayde, her sweet little fancy rat, a lot. But I know Jem would prefer a little dog just like Badger. Jem and Kate have gained a lot in our move and our sort of limbo lifestyle currently, but have also sacrificed a lot. So today not only am I grateful for the moment I witnessed between Jem and Badger, but for the wonderful daughters we have. And for how much they teach us, every single day.
10 April. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to enjoy a spectacular offering of The Phantom of the Opera with my family. And in particular my girls. I loved how moved they were by it, but even more so by the empathy and compassion shown by Kate at the young man begging in the street on a cold night with only a blanket for company as we left the theatre. At the unfairness of it all. At the sad jolt of reality. I only wished I could find the words to stop her tears. It is just not right.
Today we celebrated my mom’s birthday early, so we could be together. With breakfast out. As our family does. I am grateful for the tradition of breakfast at Moyo for Lesley’s birthday. I love my mom and am proud that she is still so exquisitely beautiful at 72. She is the perfect example to me of inner beauty shining out. My mom is irreverent, fun, kind, honest, true, non judgemental and accepting of all and everything. She has an inner strength that sometimes I think not even she is aware of. She is the one who taught me to just do what you have to do. She does all she does, irreverent or not, naughty or not, with utmost grace and dignity. I am grateful to have been blessed with Lesley as my mom. Just as my girls are blessed to have her as a granny. I am grateful they have the perfect example of the kind of woman I hope they both grow up to be.
I am grateful for the relationship my dad and Kate enjoy. And my dad and Jem. In fact, the relationship he enjoys with all six of his granddaughters. As blessed as they are, so is he. And are we all.
Today I am overflowing with gratitude. I am so grateful for my family, for every single one of them, those here and those not, for every little moment today and last night, for the roses, for the chocolates, for the steers ribs, for the laughs, for the hugs, for the fruit chutney niknaks, for the non stop chatter, for the coffee, for the rusks, for the care, for the time, for the ‘anything can be said at this table’ dinner conversation, for the love we all share. Just for being here.
This was one of those big picture moments masquerading as a little picture. Chatting to Jem about the realities of what today might hold. That Jayde may not survive the day.To some Jayde may just be a little rat. Eeew. But to Jem she is love. She is the sweetest, cutest little creature, with a twinkle in her eye and an air of mischief about her. She knows Jem, she has her favourite spots in the house, her favourite areas to curl up, her favourite spot to be tickled. She comes when she is called, travels everywhere on Jem’s shoulders and grinds her teeth with pleasure when she is cuddled. And my little Jem understood when I told her this morning this is what love is. When you love someone so much you will do whatever you need to do for them even if it makes you sad. When you love someone more than you love yourself.
I love coffee. I love the taste, I love the aroma, I love the feel of the takeaway cup in my hand, I love love the coffee moment. I love coffee. And I am so grateful that I do because it makes a blah day better. So much better.
I’m still doing it. I’m still trying to turn B into me. I fell in love with B for him. His quirks, his laid-backness, his dimpled smile, his forearms (not a fetish but they have always done it for me), his irreverence, his perverseness, his independence, his B’ness. His different to me ness. But I have spent the last seventeen years or so trying to turn him into me. Even though I know he will never behave the way I do, because he is not me. He will never respond the way I do, because he is not me. He will never phone home the way I do or when I want him too, because he is not me. He will never drive around the block ridiculously every time he has to be somewhere because he is always 5mins or more early the way I do, because he is not me. He will never do stuff when I want him too just because I want it done then, because he is not me. He will never be irrationally jealous the way I am, actually he will, and I do love that about him. So, I don’t know why I’m still doing it. I don’t even want B to be like me. I am starting to like me a little more, but fuck I’d hate to be married to me. So, I know he will never say sorry the way I do or think I do, because he is not me. I do know. But it still pisses me off. And I know that’s why he does it. And I love him all the more for it.
grace and dignity 