It is beautiful how the early morning sun settles on my chair at the moment. I love my chair. I love it because it reminds me of years of gentle shared moments in Sonnie’s chair on the game farm, the moments I wanted to capture, I love it because Lynn made it for me, I love it because it was one of the last gifts from home, I love it because it envelops me and makes me feel safe. Yes, even little. Today I am grateful for my chair and how it makes me feel.
I am grateful for a fun afternoon with Jem, baking fudge, cinnamon muffins and cheese scones. So much more fun than homework. Or anything else I should really rather have been doing.
I am very very grateful for Kate and Jem. To be the mother of two such mischievous, interesting, beautiful, challenging, kind, argumentative, inquiring daughters is an honour. I am filled with gratitude for the blessing of them. And for the blessing of my own mother. I am so very grateful for you mom, today and forever. You inspire me to be better. I am grateful that you know how much I appreciate you. And love you.
I am grateful for today. For the beauty of today. But especially for the beauty of the quiet end to the day. The quiet end to the week. Kate and I and the beach. Gentle murmurs, cold sand and quiet smiles.
I am grateful for a quick coffee that lasts a morning. For time spent with an honest, authentic, inspiring but most importantly what you see is what you get friend. And consistently so. It is very reassuring to share truth with someone who respects honesty and sharing as much as I do. And who uses the word ‘shame’ as much as I do too.
Those who know me will have heard me saying, often, depending on what decision I’m needing to justify, that love for children, I believe is spelt t.i.m.e. I’m being self deprecating but I do actually believe it. Even though I’m not always very good at showing it. Nonetheless, for me, the notion of quality time is just that, a notion. When we decide now I have some time for quality time with my kids might just not be the time when listening or sharing or being is happening or wanted or needed. Obviously we can’t all be with our children when they wish or when its needed, but we can all try and be present when we are there. And try fill our time less. Just hang a bit more. Be still a bit more. Share t.i.m.e, aka love a bit more. Actually what got me thinking about this was this am as B tried to FaceTime with us. He is 8hours behind so for him it was midnight so he was quiet and gentle and wanted to chat to his girls. But his time for quality time was not theirs. Kate’s response was I’m doing my hair. And Jem was at band. And one might think he could have called earlier but he tried that the day before, and did get Jem, but Kate simply couldn’t open her teenage eyes. So to B’s credit, he just hung around on FaceTime, being in the morningness of home. It reminded me of how to spell love, and how tough this must be for B. Being away I mean. Because the one thing he doesn’t have with his girls is time.
We were all in tears tonight. All three of us girls. Jem over her friends (girls can be such little bitches), Kate over a boy (boys can be so pathetic) and me just because I felt like it. It was either too long a long weekend, which is when I think we all do feel B not being home the most. Or it was all the oestrogen. Or the lack of in my case. If we aren’t crying, we’re yelling, or we’re laughing. Sometimes even all at the same time. Menopause and puberty were simply not supposed to happen simultaneously. It can all just get a bit messy. But the messy emotional girly stuff isn’t always all that bad. Sometimes it’s just necessary. Sometimes it’s just what is needed.
I am grateful for exquisite late autumn days. For the perfect crisp air, for the shimmer of the sun off the ocean, for the soft white not too hot to walk on sand. For a beautiful place with kind friends, who help make a long weekend not quite so long.
I just loved today. I am grateful for the wonderful feeling I had all day, I’m not even sure how to describe it. Peaceful, maybe. Not the day, but the feeling. A day that started with a birthday breakfast next to the ocean and a new favourite song and ended with Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist with the two girls I love most in the world. I am so grateful to know I have all I need. And then some.
I have never professed to be a perfect mother. No-one really is, we all just try our best. This morning was one of those less perfect moments. For some reason I have not got my oomph back since our trip so am playing catch up all the time. We were running late for school, I had only got to bed well after midnight trying to fix a washing machine that had clothing soaking and locked in it, the pest control people were coming in at 8.30 to do their annual spray thingy, I was trying to tidy up at least a bit, whilst brushing my teeth and Jem was waiting for me to do her hair and I was throwing on my clothes, knowing I still had heaps to do when Kate started calling Mom, mom, mo-o-o-o-mmm, mo-o-om. Mom! Ohh, fuck off, I said. It was what I felt so I said it. Just quietly and matter of factly. Enough. Jem was in earshot, caught my eye, she looked horrified and I looked sheepish. We burst out laughing. I did explain that I didn’t really mean it, I just meant it a little bit. Because sometimes, just sometimes, just for a little bit, I do hate the word mom.
grace and dignity 