4 January. I am grateful for my oncologist. And that in my desire to find the best care I came full circle to the man who scared me off at first. I am grateful for his honesty, his integrity, his purpose and his lovely sense of humour. I am reminded today as I sit in front of him of the laughter he brought in to the chemo ward, despite the hush that was always present. I loved that. He made me laugh. He brought hope.
I missed it. 3 January was my 5 years. I am officially 5 years cancer free. I was officially cancer free for 5 years, 2 days ago. The day I have held as my goal without really meaning to, yet yes counting and being subtly aware of. And I missed it. It was a damn important day for me, a day I wanted to mark and rejoice and give thanks and smile and be still and light a lantern and gently weep, looking up into B’s eyes with wonder and love at all we have achieved. Ohmigod, I think I’m going to vomit. And am seriously considering romance novels as my next outlet. But, how simply fabulous that I missed it. I love that. Even though I made B squirm cos he missed it too. I haven’t told him I had too. Well, I have now. Seriously though. Life is great, life is every day, every little thing every day is as important as everything else, nothing is more important, it’s just the importance we attach to things that makes them so. I am here, I am loved and I love. With all my heart and I am thankful and grateful for every day. And not especially for 3 January. I have grown, I am brave and I look forward to every day with courage and excitement and gratitude. As must we all.
2 January. I am grateful for casual goodbyes. As casual as I’ll see you tomorrow when tomorrow is next year. For a shared history and for easy laughter.
30 December. I am grateful for a trip down memory lane and for worlds colliding, a Melissa’s in Parkhurst. Perfection. I loved living in Parkhurst. But I still don’t get why they painted our crisp white wall dog poo brown. Not that I care. But seriously, what were they thinking. I guess there is no going back.
21 December. There is something about being with my mom and dad that stills me. I am grateful for homecomings and especially that we made it in time to celebrate a shared twelfth birthday.
9 December. PJ’s, The Black Keys, mad morning dancing and gay abandon. I am grateful the girls feel free here. Free to be mad. Free to be loud. I am loving our home.
5 December. Courteney caught a train from Brisbane to Cooroy to help us with our packing. And just to be with us. The train never made it to Cooroy, it was terminated at Nambour. Shock and horror. I loved the reprieve from packing the journey to Nambour gave me, even though I had no idea where I was going and I knew an angel was waiting for me to rescue her. I was so grateful for the sight of her familiar blue green eyes, especially when I saw the flash of relief as she recognised the jeep. I remain amazed at how much our girls have grown here, in independence, but I also love how young they still are too.
We found my wig today. I put it on and Kate said take it off it’s horrid. Much the same response they both had when I first bought it. Which was one of the reasons I never wore it. Probably the worst purchase I have ever made. And not because of the wig (and it was horrid but it was the closest we could get, even after being styled to my old hair) but the fact that I had to shop for one. Bizarre and awful. I know the wigs made many feel whole again, for me it just underlined the fact that I wasn’t. Weird but I felt like I stood out more when I wore it than when I was bald. My mistake was trying to be me. I wish I had had the courage at the time to be mad, go blonde, go blue, go black. I just didn’t feel fun I guess. Today I am grateful for the fun we had with it. And that I never wore it.
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My daughters argue like most, but secretly adore each other which is actually quite precious. Today I am grateful for a particulary precious moment when Jem emerged dressed as Kate. Particularly precious because it was a delightful distraction from the boxes that needed to be filled. Not sure it will be a moment filled with sisterly adoration though when Kate finds out.
I am grateful for love.
grace and dignity 