I really have grown. A growing up I would have chosen differently but hey. Life does its thing when we are asleep. I’m just grateful I woke up. I cut all my hair off on Saturday. Well 30cms off so I could donate it to kids for cancer. It had to be on Saturday because B needed to be there and I had to do it before chemo starts. And B is away this week. So I had to do it quickly and without really thinking too long about it. And it didn’t bother me. Well apart from looking far too mature, and perhaps there is a message in there somewhere. First time round it bothered me a lot. My hair was my security. It made me me. But I did learn I was so much more than my hair. It was just something I could control. This time I chose to cut it off with knowledge and no fear. And still, those scissors were like a shard piercing my this isn’t really happening again protective shell. Just for a moment, I hated reality staring back at me. But I’m ready for this. And I need you to be too please. I’m getting far too many head tilts lately. All my hair on my body will fall out. I am not fearful. Yes I have heard about cold caps. Yes I am glad, really I am, that your mother’s aunt’s second cousin had chemo and kept all her hair. Unfortunately you know too little. Or fortunately. Not all chemotherapy is the same. There are different regimens used depending on you, your type of cancer, your grade, your stage, your history. How you respond to treatment is also so very personal and enterwined in all of the above and who you are. There are many different types of breast cancers too, and treatment depends not only on stage and type but on whether it’s hormone receptive or not, BRACA postive or not, HER2 positive or not, invasive or not, advanced or not blah blah blah. Mine is advanced. And invasive. And hormone positive. I think you get the gist. I am not fearul of losing my hair. All my energy will be directed at healing and saving my life not at saving a few strands of hair. I vomit at the thought of all that fear. I truly feel so light and empowered right now, which is exactly where I need to be. And I do love the care behind your suggestions, but if there is none, please fuck off.

Thursday I start. Every 21 days. 4 cycles. Could be worse.