13 January. My friend Leigh. I am grateful for my friend Leigh. For my pioneering friend Leigh. She is a teacher, a sage, a leader, an inspiration. I am grateful for her honesty, her bravery, her sharing, her ear and her forever friendship. She has lived through some serious shit, and that smile is always there. She has taught me there is always a way. To fok maar voort. With style. And grace. And dignity.
Five years is a long time. Five years is a great time to be cancer free but not so sure if it’s a great time to have been away from where I come from. Congratulations have been offered and accepted as my family and friends all knew I was only staying for two years. OK, so they and I knew I would stay longer but happily went along with my self delusion because they all knew it was what I needed. It’s not a great time, because it is a long time and so much and so many people have changed. The gap we seem to have left for some has diminished. And that was inevitable but also sad. But actually it is also great. Because it has helped me on my journey. To truly understand impermanence. And attachment. I have definitely learnt the lesson I have oft referred to in my musings, the gift I have finally accepted. The acceptance of change. Which often is loss. I think after 5 years you get a real understanding of what mattered, what matters, of who matters and of whom you matter to. And that it’s all good. I can now smile at this journey, from the absurdity of the first visit home to the authenticity of this visit five years later. Five years is a long time to be away from where I come from, but a great time to grow.
12 January. I am grateful for family and friends. And friends who are family. Being so far away, maintaining friendships can be hard work, from both sides. I am grateful for those friendships where it never really is. And for those who care as much as I do.
11 January. I am grateful for a feeling of peace, of contentment. A day spent with a friend who accepts me as I am, who remembers shared scrambled egg dinners and who reminds me of then. A day spent just being. And an evening surrounded by those I love the most.
10 January. I am grateful for a road trip. For my travel companions, for the time together for a mother and son, and for a padkos stop to beat all stops. And for the reminder of many other road trips. And the fun we always have.
9 January. I am grateful for an unexpected cuddle from behind. And for a daughter who could feel my quietness.
My 365 or 366 gratefuls came to an end on 15 January. Clearly I am playing catch up, or avoidance. In my defence being away from any form of reliable connectivity is the real reason. I think. Actually it has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing as it’s given me time to consider what now, and a curse because now I’m behind. And I never miss a deadline. But I’m starting to understand there is no deadline. And imperfection is exquisite. And as a dear friend of mine wrote so very recently, beginning takes courage, but continuing takes commitment and determination. And courage too. At this point I’m doing neither, but loving that in life there truly is no deadline. So, what will be will be, what will emerge will emerge. Right now, I’m relishing sharing my last days of chronicled gratitude and the change I feel within me. As subtle as it may be.
8 January. I always comment on how we are surrounded by girls on my side of the family. I am grateful for the wonderful energy these gorgeous girls bring into our world. Today I felt the gentle, intense, wise, vibrant energy keenly especially with three more angels joining in. All who’ve so obviously been here before. Oh and Badger being the always welcome token male of course.
7 January. I am grateful for the confidences of a teenager and for escape in the simplicity of a dog and a ball. And for perfect timing.
6 January. Today I am grateful for the anticipation of family reunions. To be sharing in new beginnings and for more lessons in letting go.
grace and dignity 