I think I’ve been hiding. Well not really hiding but maybe licking my wounds so to speak. Reflecting. And not aloud. Trying to get my head around last year. As in, what the fuck was that? Building strength and in particular replenishing those inner reserves so I can keep on keeping on. I realised in January there were just none left. In fact I never even realised it. B did. And my friends. Who wanted to know where I had gone. And not only physically. But my presence had gone quiet. And they were worried about me. Its well documented how consciously fighting, dealing with your reality, treating it, makes you feel like you are doing something positive. Something conscious. Something noble to help yourself heal. And unconscious too, by being present in the everyday and just willing your best self to show up at each and every shitty little moment. And sharing with you all, made sure the best person was there, with the presence of you. Truth be told, I wasn’t worried about me, in fact I was that caught up in my inner being, I never even realised how far in I had gone. I think its called regrouping. So, its been a year and a month since my life as I knew it turned out to be a big fat lie.  Well part of it. And I hate lies.  Despite my thinking otherwise I’m only now truly accepting of it all.  Not of the lie, but of the big beautiful truth. The truth of how blessed we all are. How blessed I am. How life is about suffering and illness and beauty and ugliness and lies and truth and fucked up ness and exquisiteness and what makes us unique is not how fabulous our lives are but how we don’t let the fabulousness or lack thereof define us but rather teach us, and help us find a new way of being. That isn’t rooted in ignorance, because as much as we think it is, ignorance ain’t bliss. We are all scared to know because then we can’t hide. I knew I couldn’t be guaranteed of being cancer free, but I chose to believe I was, to hold onto the words I wanted to hold onto, whilst deep down I knew this would always be my story. And whilst I said it, I never accepted it. So, now I really do know, and I’m living my life knowingly.  Accepting that life and it’s difficulties are not battles to be won or lost because how then do we excuse ourselves if we lose no matter how hard we fought? Did we not fight hard enough? Were we not worthy of surviving? Bull crap. We are all worthy, we all just have a different story. And mine is no worse or better than yours, its just mine.  And I’m going to live it the best way I can, because only I can. Fuck cancer, fuck everything that is shit in the world, and the best way to do it is to reframe it into our own unique stories that make us grow up and be grateful for every little moment. I hate the always positive shite as you know, I think I’m too much of a realist, although sometimes I don’t want to hear sad stories, because it breaks me inside a little more each time. And no, its not called denial its called acceptance. Stuff exists I can’t fix. Stuff exists I abhor. Platitudes piss me off. But truth and love and being present. Being honest. Being there. Just showing up and sharing the suckiness that life is sometimes, is what matters. It really just is what it is.

So, what is my current reality? I remain NED. I see my oncologist and my cancer surgeon every three months interchangeably. I’m still not mad about her but hey she’s good. I continue on my meds for the foreseeable future. I have surgery ahead of me to remove my right breast in totality. I need to schedule that because as with anything we are the ones who decide. No one else. And I will do it. I’m just liking being me for a bit. Stuff will be dealt with. And that’s so not hiding.

8 thoughts on “hiding

  1. If nothing else L, your words represent an extraordinary affirmation of life with all its frailties. Learning through suffering is not new to me either but your ravaging of the notion that life should bring ‘happiness’ demonstrates such wisdom from you.

    I love reading your blog. X

    • Hey there. Dammit it was about time I learnt. But to be fair I think happiness is a noble pursuit, its just how we define it that sucks. Happiness to me is contentment. And contentment comes with acceptance. An acceptance of what is. And a decision to see what is beautiful even when its not. Methinks. I see you’re writing too. Helps to figure out what you think doesn’t it?? Take care x

    • Life is beautiful. Even when its not. Worth showing up for I reckon every damn day we can, in the best form we can. Not to win but just to show up. Thats winning in my book. Take care of you Chris, nice to connect again.

  2. I feel / have felt so much of your frustration, a horrible lonely, energy sapping path. I am fortunately also NED thanks to my mastectomy, but from what I have read dense breasts get cancer, so it will return in 10 or 20 years, then I will have to cross this bridge all over again, I may choose to swim with the sharks in Fishhoek instead. Not enamoured with my oncologist, need to visit again.

    • Yay for NED! It is a lonely path indeed because you and you alone have to dig deep to find the strength within to do what you need to. And you will if you need to again. But hey, you might not need to, so don’t go swim with those sharks yet!!! x

  3. From facebook

    Kath Anderson Beautiful, blunt, brutal, honest – your writing, as always, invokes a long, hard look at oneself. You deliver a lesson – I needed it. ❤

    Susie Pitts You truly do move forward with grace, dignity, love and courage, Lianne. 🖤

    Karin Dunkin I Love you and I am in awe of you ❤❤❤

    Kirsten Kairuz Yip in awe. That’s what I am. You just keep on keeping as best you can through the good the bad and the ugly. And I well, will keep on being in awe and keep sending you so much love and damn good energy whenever I hear or see your name or a picture or story. ❤️❤️❤️

    Karen Saville Darling heart xxx

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Love reading your blog Li. Love you ❤️ Truth and love and being present 👭👭👭

    Adrienne Hoberman 💜💜

    Charmaine Devitt 👊🏻💖

    Nadja O’Keeffe You go Girl! (Y) Do what makes you happy and know that you have my support every single step of the way! I think of you daily – Sending you unconditional love and healing always! You are just awesome and being the person (that beautiful soul) that you are, makes me admire, adore and love you all the more! Mwah ❤

    Lianne Cawood ♡

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts XXXXXs and OOOOOs

    Janette Webb You inspire me always xxx

    Theresa Milne You're perfect just as you are x

    Claire Peters You are amazing Lianne. In awe of you, your story, your strength, your honesty, your inner and outer beauty, your truth. Love always xxxx
    LikeShow more reactions · Reply · 1 · April 5 at 1:37pm

    Sharon Cvetkovski 😘😘😘

    Corrie Medhurst Wow!! I've missed your grace and dignity posts. Beautifully written as always! Your strength and resilience is awe inspiring, even when hiding! Love you Cawood. BPS ❤

    Nonina Ferreira Have missed ur posts & glad u back💓 this too shall pass beautiful Lianne🙏🏻😘

    Anna Macklin Beautiful exquisite writing and authenticity . Thanks again for sharing you with us . If you hide those that Iove you will hide with you ❤❤

    Gillian Freimond Rightford You see yourself so clearly that it's inspiring. 💕

    Lisa Hartslief You write beautifully.

    Shea Albert Lianne! We show up. We are present even when we are almost absent. It's twenty years since Jessie. And I am here being my best self, even if it's my best bad self. Just an amazing succession of awake moments. Every feeling is valid. Every response. We do not have to earn every breath we take. We are beauty and worth and courage and love. I love you Lianne. And my browser is fucked oh fuck.

    Chiquita King Do what you must. And I'll be just over here loving you. Forever. Because you're loveable. And it's effortless.

    Lisa Fourie 😘💞🙏🏻

    Lianne Cawood See, there's that presence!! Just gratitude and love. Always ♡

    Jennifer Profrock All I have is yours my friend xx

    Sharon Cvetkovski I'm glad you writing again!!! Often use your sharings as a guide when facing my own challenges. I must admit I stalked your blog to see when you will be back I knew u had writer's block and collecting more material Love your f#@*ing work doll xxxxx

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡♡♡

    Lianne Cawood ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

  4. Pingback: real | grace and dignity

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