real

Bloody hell this healing process takes fucking forever. Its been two months now since my second breast was removed. It’ll be three months when all is healed so the tissue expanding can happen to make space for an implant if I so desire. Haven’t decided yet. Have been dealing with ongoing seroma, ‘a build up of fluids in a place on the body where tissue has been removed’. I seem to have a lot of it. Two weeks ago my stylish canadian doc aspirated 150mls. And i was left with a little pouch containing nothing but a tissue expander and some lat tissue. Hmmmm. Not sure that’ll make a boob. Latissimus dorsi flap breast reconstructions are traditionally done using your own tissue and an implant to give a more natural feel and the majority of patients (amputees, survivors, thrivers? Fuck so confused by what term to use) are happier longer term than those with only implants. At this point I start to think what are you bleating about you’re alive. Survivor guilt is a thing. But never let it negate you and your fears, issues, idiosyncracies. They are valid. Ok, note to self over. Annnd I have been ‘happy’ with my existing reconstructed breast like mound thingy. Just don’t remember it taking this long to heal, but then again there has been the onslaught of chemo etc. Reckon this body is holding up the middle finger right now. Anyhoo, the continuing fluid build up means it looks like I’ve got a boob still. Bit flippity floppity but oh well. Its quite handy when you want to go to the beach. That sounds flippant but its not. I have my very dear friend to thank. I was hiding as I had been, albeit knowingly, when she bullied me into her car and out for a coffee on the beach a couple of weeks ago. The sun was shining. It was glorious. Everyone was out and proud in their cozzies and worshipping the sun. My happy place. I was feeling grumpy and scarred and flat and confused. So she took me cozzie shopping. Fuck me. Not many people who can know what I need when i don’t even know. It all felt so normal as we found “busy’ padded tops that would disguise the fact that I was mishaped and that one side was primarly empty. I needed help doing my top up and she helped me. It was all so easy. I didn’t flinch once. She made it so. It was only days later that she admitted she had found it so emotional seeing me standing there asking if this is ok, with my scarred semblace of a boob, that it took her breath away. She hid it well. And it helped me so.

So on 13 december we start expanding or not. Then we schedule phase 2 and 3. Insert implant or not. Remove implant from other breast and reinsert new one. Or not. Reconstruct nipple from bit of back skin on breast like mound filling in for my areola. Tattoo both nipples and areolea to match. Et voila. Oh ja and follow up blood tests and oncologist check up. Just to keep it real.

 

2 thoughts on “real

  1. Pingback: you can | grace and dignity

  2. From facebook

    Shelley Nelson Sending you much love ❤️ Lianne Cawood xxx mwah 💋

    Chiquita King My friend … I have no words. But know I love you. I’m always in awe. Your courage fuels mine. ❤️

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker So much respect. So much love. Always. ♡

    Lianne Cawood ♡♡♡

    Cathy Raggett Love that you have such very special people around you who push your comfort zones 😘

    Nadja O’Keeffe ❤ ❤ ❤ and more love coming your way! ❤

    Claudia Da Rocha Rawlins Love your honesty Lianne. It's a fucking terrible thing to read and know that you're going through this, again. cancer is pervasive and most of us move along not having a clue until we're faced with it. While sharing, you're educating. Thank you x
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Clauds. xxx

    Corrie Medhurst Love you Cawood…..patience 😘❤️❤️

    Gillian Freimond Rightford You have beautiful friends. And that says a lot. Strength and love to you. ❤️

    Shelley Hopkins Real as always – sending big hugs x

    Theresa Milne I hear you. An amputation is a biggie. And that fucking lat dorsii is something that leaves us undecided whether it was ever justified in the first place. The abject sense of disablement and lowest common denominator syndrome inherent in survival logistics. And the gift you impart by accessing the language and appropriate terminology to enable womankind to start defining pathways to the unknowable. We just don't know until we're standing right inside that space. And we need not be beautiful nor brave nor uplifting for the benefit and comfort of onlookers. But you are. All of these. And I'm so happy that you are. Another scout mongoose. Every passage you uncover and enter benefits the rest of us and creates a few more degrees of healing for all of us. We owe you. Thank you for sharing your load. Big love
    Lianne Cawood Thank you T, sharing my load helps me! And hear ya re the lat dorsi. I had no choice first time cos my radiated flesh would reject any implants with no tissue, so second time round seemed to make sense to do the same. Ya know in the interests of fucked up symmetry. Anyway will
    slowly let the decisions emerge. Take care of you ❤️

    Adrienne Hoberman Big love always to a very honest and courageous woman🖤💜🖤

    Janette Webb You are sooooo brave. A warrior. Love u !!!!

    Lianne Cawood ♡

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts You always keep it real. ❤️ Your words and strength and humor. Love all of the love around you…and all the way from California! ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Love back Jen ❤️

    Heather McNeice In a year's time, it will all be behind you. It will go faster than you know. You got this!

    Carolien Bosman
    ❤️

    Siobhan Goodwin What a great friend💕

    Sue Welsh You have come such a long way Lianne, your strength and positive attitude is so inspiring. You are one kind of amazing woman 🌺🌺
    Lianne Cawood Awww. Thanks for this Sue. Not really though. Just an oversharer 😏😉

    Anna Macklin Lots of love to you warrior woman …. you’ve got this …. still!! 💪🏼❤️🍾☀️👙😘

    Ilona Schreuder My friend 💋- eish, we need that dinner more than ever 🏖
    Lianne Cawood Sooooo agree ❤️

    Leigh Thomas ❤️🤗❤️ always…
    Lianne Cawood Always ❤️

    Samantha Yates Schroeder Love always my beautiful strong friend 😘
    Lianne Cawood Always my beautiful bullying friend. Never stop ❤️

    Kirsten Kairuz Truth, real, love, inspire. And so much more ….. 😘

    Shea Albert bloody hell Lianne those words are so familiar. Jessie wrote that Rob did not ever flinch from her scars. Once when she hardly had any hair she went into a posh hairdresser and asked if they did a number 1. It's twenty years this month, and she is still with me. xxx
    Lianne Cawood Love you Shea and love to you and gratitude for your sharing and your understanding and Jessie’s wickedness. The best ❤️
    Shea Albert Love you Lianne

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Someone said “I don’t know how you do it” I said “I wasn’t given a choice”
    ❤️ you Lianne Cawood you will always be one of the most beautiful woman I know!
    Lianne Cawood As will you Deb, right from deep within your soul ❤️

    Lianne Cawood ♡

    Joanne Warren Marsden As I've said earlier, you continue to amaze!! You truly are the most remarkable woman Li!! Respect and love always. ❤😙😍
    Lianne Cawood Respect and love always Jo!! Always ❤️

    Kath Anderson Courage and fortitude – you epitomize both! 💜

    Toni Joyce 💕💕
    Courage and honesty. Love you lots Lianne

    Christal Ann Schneider You are such a remarkable beautiful lady Lianne Cawood! Sending TONS of love to you 💝❤❣💚💝😘

    Megan Clausen You are fucking incredible. That is all.

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