grief

I’ve just realised I have been quietly grieving the past 5 days. Self absorbed grief at the loss of a little of my carefreeness. And ironically it’s taken me 5 days to get through the 5 stages of loss and grief identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I am quick like that. Stage 1, Denial. Denial at hearing last Wednesday that I have cancer again. Fuck that. Stage 2, Anger. That was Thursday although B would say that was Thursday through Sunday and all directed at him.  Sorry angel, someone had to bear the brunt and you are my person. Mostly anger at having to hear the fear in Kate’s voice and see the fear in Jem’s eyes when I told them. Their world tilted for a moment and I knew I couldn’t say anything to right it. And that pissed me off. Stage 3, Bargaining. Or trying to regain control. Which for me quickly led to Stage 4, Depression, which was Saturday. My private control freak hell. By Sunday, stage 5, Acceptance. It is what it is. There is nothing I did or didn’t do. I am powerful, resilient and loved. And yes still so very grateful. Even if maybe a little less carefree.

So what does this mean? We don’t know yet. I thought I was 8 years cancer free but at a routine ultrasound last week,  there it was. Bloody feisty bugger. And we threw everything at it. I even moved countries. Needle biopsy confirmed malignancy and tomorrow I will have a tissue biopsy to get a tighter fix on the severity of what we’re dealing with and meet with the cancer surgeon on thursday. So, now you all know too. And I will keep you posted. This reflecting aloud seems to stem the rage.

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20 thoughts on “grief

  1. Fuck Lianne – I’m so sorry. And I can’t imagine the fear and uncertainty that Brian and the girls and all the many that love and care about you must feel. You I’m less worried about….if anyone can conquer this scourge again it is you. Sterkte and you are in my thoughts. Rage, Write and Fight – we’re all in your corner….

  2. Dear girl I’ve just read your message and my heart breaks for you. So many of us live with the Sword of Damocles over our heads every time we have to go for tests. All I can say is Strongs to you and your loved ones.

  3. Love you!
    Love your smile (that is so infectious 🙂 )!
    Love that you are so positive!
    Love the you’re so HAPPY!
    Love that you ALWAYS look at t he brighter side of Life!
    Love the fact that you have fight and the will to conquer ANY obstacles that this sometimes VERY unfair world throws at you!
    Love the fact that YOU LOVE LIFE and LIFE LOVES YOU TOO!
    Love the zany – crazy you that is this BEAUTIFUL (INSIDE AND OUT) and full of life!
    Love that you will not let this get the better of you!
    Love that you are LOVE!

    Here for you all the way and I know that we all love you – from every corner of the globe – You can and will beat this again.
    Sending you lots of love, light and healing.

    BIG HUGS
    Nads xxxx

  4. Fuck this Lianne. I remember seeing you 10yr ago when you were first diagnosed. I know this because Mel was out and I had my 6 week old Jamie with me. She is now turning 10 !. I remember you were NOT overshadowed by this set back. You were adamant. You were brave. But most of all you were not entertaining this C. AND you were surrounded by LOVE.
    I love catching up on fb and I feel as though i am with you and Mel all the time. Li, you are an amazing,strong, resilient women. Loved and loved my so many and I love you.
    Beat this Lianne ..I know you will. Xx

    • Oh Toni, thank you so much for this. I am strong and I have definitely learnt to be resilient hehe!!! It was 10 years ago! My first recurrence, and 13 years ago my forst diagnosis. Bloody hell, can it just piss off now. xxxxx

  5. You fought and beat it once, you can do it again. Put on that battle armour of yours, and take no prisoners this time. #Fuckcancer!! Sending light, love and healing thoughts your way!!

  6. From facebook
    Heather McNeice, Dani Hynes and 19 others
    7 shares

    Anna Macklin What a fantastic way to share your journey with those that love you . Fuck cancer 👍🏼👍🏼💪🏼😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:36pm
    Lianne Cawood Damn straight!! 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:08pm

    Theresa Milne Love and blessings to you. Take deep breaths, it’s do-able. We’re on your side. ❤❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:47pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks T. I know you know ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:08pm

    Susie Pitts Words just can’t begin to express how shitty this is. But you have everyone here with you 100% Lianne, we love you so much and you are going to beat it. Bloody cancer. xxxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:49pm
    Lianne Cawood I am Suze, with all of you by my side how can I not? Bloody cancer indeed!!! 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:09pm

    Kerry Solomon Oh Lianne. I’m left a little speechless. Quite shocked. And very sad. So if I feel this way, how the hell must you be feeling!?! And your beautiful girls? And your divine husband? I’ll be thinking of you for tomorrow’s tissue biopsy. I truly hope you get the best possible feedback you can in this very fucked up situation. I am sending you so much love. You absolutely have this Lianne. xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:52pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks K. Best possible feedback in this very fucked up situation. Exactly right, love that! ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:11pm

    Ange Nixon That just brought tears to my eyes…..I am so very sorry to hear this fucked up news Lianne – sending you love and strength to fight the fucker. Thanks for sharing xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:53pm

    Lianne Cawood Oh Ange, thank you for this. I’m taking all the strength I can 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:12pm

    Melinda Poulton Oh dear Lianne! We all love you and will be thinking of you constantly, sending you hugs. Xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 12:57pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Mel 😘.
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:13pm

    Suzzanne Roughley Much Love Lianne xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 1:00pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:13pm

    Gary Hopkins I’m reaching out across the oceans. First with a hug. And then to loan you my fists. We’re all fighting this together. Be strong, be relentless and most of of all beat it
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 14 at 1:13pm
    Lianne Cawood Gary Hopkins damn I like these fighting words!! Thank you with love 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:14pm

    Karin Dunkin I have no words only love. Oh and two words, fuck cancer. No one is better equipped to deal with this than you. Sending all the love, hope and healing thoughts that I have. You are going to own this.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 1:21pm
    Lianne Cawood My Karin Amanda. Thank you for this. I have got this. Please give your mom and dad a hug from me and tell them i’m good. We’re good. We’ve done this before and we’ll do it again. Love you all ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:16pm

    Lisa Fourie Beautiful Lianne – this is heart wrenching to read. 😢😔 My love, support, hope and faith goes out to you, Bryan and your girls and (including Ruby). Thinking of you all xoxo
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 1:27pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you so much Lisa. A bit of a bugger up but guess it’s life. 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:17pm

    Lara Killian Have no words only tears L fuck
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 1:42pm
    Lianne Cawood Love you Lara. Don’t cry. I’m sure it’s early and we’ll kick it back into touch 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:20pm

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts We love you and are sending every good thought across the oceans to you. FUCK. (I’ve never written that on fb! My first FUCK for you…) ❤️❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 1:44pm
    Lianne Cawood 😂😂😂 just love that you made me laugh out loud!!! And in uppercase too. Love you Jen. ❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:21pm

    Michelle Gilder I’m so mad. You don’t deserve this AGAIN. But I couldn’t think of a stronger person to fight it. You can do this. Sending you all big hugs. Xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 2:07pm
    Lianne Cawood Ohh Michelle me too!!! Bloody hell! But I can fight it and I will. Dammit it all seems a lifetime ago 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:22pm

    Elizabeth Halley I don’t understand why shit happens to beautiful people. ..thinking of you x x
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 2:49pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Liz. Clearly more reflection time is needed 😉. Shit can eff off 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:25pm

    Leigh Thomas ❤❤🌷🌷
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:02pm
    Lianne Cawood Love you ❤️❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:26pm

    Janette Webb Awwww Lianne. I’m so sorry to hear this. Sending much love to u & urs. Fuck !!!!!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:14pm
    Lianne Cawood Seriously hey Jan?? Fuck it. 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:26pm

    Claire Peters I’m so sorry to read this news. So much love to you all.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:20pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Clairabelle ❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:26pm

    Lynne Meinstein Mausenbaum Thoughts and prayers are with you all xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:23pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Lynne 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:27pm

    Desiree McLeod Johnson Oh my Lianne WTF!! Im speechless!! I had to read your message twice as it felt surreal! NO NO NO is what I thought and said to myself. My precious friend you are a beautiful, strong woman who will get through this part of the journey with the same fighting power that you did before. You are deeply loved and together we stand. Love you so much and I’m sending hugs and kisses across the ocean. God Bless!! ❤❤❤❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:29pm
    Lianne Cawood Oh my Des. Can you fucking believe it?? Enough already hey? Can you make me a cup of tea? 😂 Seriously though thank you my friend and I’ll do it xxxx
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:28pm
    Desiree McLeod Johnson Ah my Lia I will make you as many cups of tea as you wish for!!! 😚❤ You are going to do it with the same tenacity and strength as before! I’m right behind you! Love you always!! Xxx
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 1:33am

    Sameeha Muthen Thinking of you and your beautiful family and sending love xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:46pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Sameeha 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:29pm

    Ann-Marie Aveling Big hug….thinking of you xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:50pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Annie 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:30pm

    Kath Anderson Shocked to read your news Lianne. Will hold you in my heart. Strength and hugs to you, Brian and your beautiful girls.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:50pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Kath. Enough already 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:30pm

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker You are indeed powerful. You are indeed resilient. And you are indeed loved. And loved. And loved. And loved. To the moon and back and back again. And again. And again…you’ve got this and we’ve got you our brave heart ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 3:52pm
    Lianne Cawood This time round we’re tattooing everywhere and everything 😉❤️. Love you Lynn. Thank you for holding me 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:32pm
    Lynn Loopuyt Barker Lianne Cawood bloody right 😂😂😂😂❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:35pm

    Heather McNeice Devastated to read this Lianne. You are the second friend in a week to share this news – it’s so unfair. You have beaten cancer before and I have no doubt that you will do so again. Sending love, strength and courage to you, Bryan, Kate and Jemma xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 4:31pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you H and so sorry about your friend. And I have no doubt either. ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:34pm

    Gillian Freimond Rightford FFS. That’s horrible news. Wishing you strength and love and light and determination and banishment of this infernal pest.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 4:47pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Gill. FFS indeed. 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:34pm

    Owen Leed Big Love.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 5:03pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Big O.
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:34pm

    Karen Bruns Sending an armoury of love and light your way, my Lihani xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 5:06pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Ms Bruns ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:35pm

    Lesley Oliver Sending much love and light. Healing hugs too. You will beat this. You’ve done it before. Take care always Li xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 5:21pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Les. Exactly what my doc said!!! ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:35pm

    Georgina Inglis Thinking of you very much at this time Lianne. Sending lots of positive energy your way. Your words show true courage, your strength will see you through, your amazing xx Georgia
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 6:28pm
    Lianne Cawood Oh Georgia, what a beautiful message. Thank you 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:36pm

    Michelle Lamarca Sending my love and support Lianne x
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 6:39pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Michelle 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:36pm

    Louise Fletcher Oh Lianne, love how you f word the c word .. You will beat this. We are here to help you beat this. Much love x
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 6:43pm
    Lianne Cawood Lou, thank you 😘. And we will xxx
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:36pm

    Charmaine Devitt Thinking of you Lianne. Believing for you and with you for complete healing. Sending lots of love to you and the family xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 7:17pm · Edited
    Lianne Cawood Thank you so much Charmaine 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:37pm

    Megan Clausen My darling beautiful Lianne. You are so incredible and so strong and so inspiring. My heart is full of love for you, and Bryan and your gorgeous girls. You will beat this fucker. xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 7:17pm
    Lianne Cawood Ohhh Megs. Fuck it. And I will 😘❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:37pm

    Tamara Duran ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 7:24pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:37pm

    Janine Hunter Oh my friend I am so sorry. Yes I agree you will beat this FUCKER (and I never swear – well almost never). All my love to you and the family xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 9:09pm
    Lianne Cawood 😂 dammit i’m having a bad influence on all my friends today!! Love back to you all J and thanks ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:38pm

    Kim Logan Shit, shitty, shit! Thinking only good thoughts for you and sending love ❤️❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 9:11pm
    Lianne Cawood You can say that again Kim 😉. Thank you ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:39pm

    Stephanie Aresti Fucking Cancer may have started this fight, but you Lianne will finish it!! Thank you for teaching me the words COURAGE, STRENGTH and BRAVERY and I’m sending it all back to you. You’ve got this and I love you xxxxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 3 · March 14 at 9:30pm
    Lianne Cawood Ohhh Steph can you fucking believe it!!!? And thank you I’m taking it all. Can you and Cathy Raggett come over and sort my life out again? ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:41pm

    Tamara Duran You take my breath away …. I asked much kids to read this. Speechless. Come on brave woman… 👏🏼👍🏽🖕🏽👹you have got this 🏆
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 14 at 9:35pm
    Lianne Cawood I so have 😘❤️
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:42pm

    Michael Smythe In my thoughts and prayers, sending you Spirit’s healing energy, you will beat this Lianne.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 9:40pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Michael 😘
    Like · Reply · March 14 at 10:43pm

    Corynne James You are so incredible as front woman to your family and to yourself. Take each day babe no over thinking just fight this fycked c and if you need assistance in anything please contact me . Your not alone you have family and friends and you can do this. I just know you can
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 9:43pm · Edited
    Lianne Cawood Thank you so much Corynne! I bloody can! 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 14 at 10:51pm

    Susie Olopai Lianne Cawood, I know you are an inspiration to many and you live your life fully and openly so its not surprising that you are surrounded by so much love and support on learning this devastating news. I have no doubt that if anyone can beat it, it will be you. But more importantly you have created the most beautiful children and worked hard to cherish every moment with them, with Bryan. Keep doing that. It will give you strength .
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 15 at 12:10am
    Lianne Cawood Susie such a beautiful message. Thank you so much. And I so agree with you, those beautiful moments are where I do draw my strength from. ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 3:39pm

    Gillian Smith Lianne…this news has taken my breath away. I am just thinking NO NO NO! You are strong and brave and so refreshingly honest. I am praying for your healing and believing that this will be another amazing testimony of overcoming and triumph. All my love.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 12:21am
    Lianne Cawood Gilly thanks for this. You and me both!!!!!!!! Bugger. Thank you for both your understanding and your prayers. ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 3:41pm

    Dani Hynes This news blows. Holding you close. X sending you all so much love. X
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 2:56am
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Dani! Means the world to me ❤️
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 3:41pm
    Dani Hynes Xxxxxxx
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 3:42pm

    Michelle Taylor Aww Lianne im so sorry to read your news . i couldnt think of a more appropriate word than your word Lianne F… you Cancer . sending you all my love & positivity to beat this thing . Such an increadable weight you are carrying around in your heart Lianne. Love to you all Cawoods.❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 4:53am
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Michelle. It definitely is the only appropriate word right now isn’t it?? I will accept your love and positivity with open arms. Love to you all too 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 3:43pm
    Michelle Taylor Bless you Lianne ❤️❤️❤️😘
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 7:45pm

    Antonella Van Der Merwe Lianne I am so sorry to read your news. I know that from the strength u have and the love that sorrounds you, you will beat this Stay positive and strong -Lots of love xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 3:31pm
    Lianne Cawood Ant thank you so much. Feels like yesterday I was standing at your desk looking through portfolios, with Kim in her office!!!!! And I will beat this. What choice do I have hey?? ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 7:19pm
    Antonella Van Der Merwe I know it really does feel like the other day! You will get through this have faith and I will add you to my prayers xx xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 7:29pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · March 15 at 7:38pm

    Jules N Matt Thinking of you and the family….. Matt and Jules
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 6:32pm

    Nonina Ferreira Devastated to hear Lianne, but this too shall pass, u will be fine, you are an amazing & beautiful soul👌 sending you healing angels to be there to assist you, u in my thoughts & prayers 🙏🙏 be strong u can do this 💪 lots of lovies😘😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 8:21pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Noni. 😘 Been thinking for ages now of getting ‘this too will pass’ tattooed on my wrist! It always helps to be mindful of exactly that. Much love to you and yours ❤️
    Like · Reply · March 18 at 6:32am

    Helen Immonen 💗Love to you and your family xoxo
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 15 at 8:41pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Helen 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 18 at 6:33am

    Robin Davey Oh nooo Lianne. What a dreadful shock for you. Eight years go I watched you cope with the whole horror story with incredibly positive strength, dignity and grace. And now you WILL beat the fucking disease all over again. Your family and your army of friends are there to love and support you every inch of the way. Love to you, Bryan, Kate and Jemma. XX
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · March 16 at 1:54am
    Lianne Cawood Robin, what I would give for a drink with you and mom and dad and Wally on the patio at 33 pineslopes!! I would give you a hug for this in person. Much love always and it ain’t got a patch on me 😈😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 18 at 6:35am
    Lynn Loopuyt Barker 33 Pineslopes is here Lianne Cawood Robin Davey Lesley Barker The patio awaits. The drinks are chilled and hugs are a plenty… Anytime. I miss you ALL 💛💜❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · March 18 at 7:04am · Edited
    Lianne Cawood I’m salivating at the thought ❤️. I can’t tell you how much I love the evolution and progression of our common life. Love you Lynn Loopuyt Barker more than you know. Bestest prize of all would be you on my patio here. Oh ok skinny deck. 😂😘
    Like · Reply · 2 · March 18 at 7:16am
    Lynn Loopuyt Barker Lianne Cawood 😂😂 … that would be a treat ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · March 18 at 7:28am

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