waiting

Don’t you hate how when you reach a place, a decision, mindfully and finally peacefully, it suddenly gains its own momentum? Mocks you for ever thinking it was on your terms.  To back up a bit I last shared 4 months or so ago after a previous hiatus and promised I hadn’t been hiding. And I hadn’t. Really. I’d just gone in. But these last 4 months I’ve been consciously out,  busy filling my life with normality.  I realise now I’ve also been waiting.  But less consciously.  Waiting to feel strong enough to give my kind cancer surgeon the nod to cut away my remaining breast. And an equally kind plastic surgeon the nod to try his best to recreate some semblance of feminine normality from nothing. Nothing. Everything has to go. Breast tissue, skin, nipple. Everything. I’ve been waiting to feel peaceful about deciding to deal with the what ifs rather than the what is for the first time in this fucked up recurring reality. And I’ve been waiting to feel peaceful about doing what I know I must.  The irony is not lost on me that my first cancer surgeon 13 years ago advised me if she were me she would have removed everything.  To not live in fear of recurrence. Although she admitted she’d never been faced with that decision. You never know how you’ll be until its you. And I hope it never is. So I chose to deal with what was. What is. And have continued to. And I have no regret. I refuse to be led by fear. To live in fear. Who knows how different I would have been had I done something I was not ready to do. Or felt was not necessary to do. I have never been overtreated.  We’ve just done what is reasonable based on what we were presented with. The fact that my cancer isn’t reasonable and that I insist on being a one percenter, noone could have predicted. It could have been different. It also could have been worse. So now my waiting is over. I have peacefully come to the place of readiness both physically after the toll of last year and mentally, to move forward. To do what is reasonable. And now necessary.  So I went to see the plastic surgeon my kind and committed cancer surgeon recommended, and he was lovely. On the same day I had a bone scan. An ongoing follow up to see if there is any metastases in my bones. You really don’t want that. And thank fuck there isnt any. It seems that aborted chemo did its bit. I also had another CT scan and damn if those pesky lymph nodes in my right breast that bothered the radiologists last time, are still bothering them. Not my reasonable doctors so much. So nor me. But. Once we open you up to remove your breast, we can check them out with pathology and do what is necessary says my reasonable doctor. So the momentum has started gathering. Its becoming a little more urgent. And it seems the plastic surgeon is in huge demand, which I suppose is a good thing (therein lies another conversation altogether). It seems my surgery is somewhat complex, go figure, due to previous treatment and surgeries, so my cancer surgeon wants to work with someone well versed in autologous reconstructions.  The only time my cancer surgeon, my plastic surgeon (don’t you love the ownership) and the anaethetist they like to work with are available together in the forseeable not too distant future is the 5 September. Not distant enough. Much sooner than I had planned. I’ve got stuff on. Fuck. So much for mindfully and peacefully. Shit now needs to get done.

Anyhoo. I thought I might share this next phase too. Not just because it helps me, but it seems there are those who think a mastectomy is a boob job. Best I tell them otherwise.

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One thought on “waiting

  1. From facebook
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    Comments
    Kate Sproule Wishing you strength, serenity and smooth recovery you wonderful woman! I know you will glide through this with dignity and the odd fuck cancer! Holding you in my heart xxx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Kate and damn straight … fuck cancer!!

    Adrienne Hoberman Sending much love you brave, strong womanπŸ’œπŸ’œ

    Ilona Schreuder Excellent writing as always Lianne! Thanks for the update and we will be thinking of you and praying for you on 5 September especially ❀️❀️. So glad the blog is back ( for now πŸ’‹). X

    Cathy Raggett Beautifully written! As always! Get this shit done so you can get back to the other stuff! Thinking of you and sending you lots of love. Always πŸ’œ. Xx

    Gillian Freimond Rightford I’ve worried about you since your blog went silent so in a way this blog is really good news. Not easy news. Certainly not for you. But it feels like there’s a concerted effort by the universe to give you the very best of what you need and deserve. I know you’ll give it horns like you always do. Love you my friend. ❀️

    Clare Hughes ❀️

    Kirsten Kairuz Will be sending love, strength and prayers especially on the 5th. Stay true which is what you do best. You are amazing xx

    Lara Good Thankyou for sharing. So honest. My thoughts are will you. ❀️

    Shelley Hopkins Loving the ownership of every path and person whom you’ve chosen along your journey of strength and courage. Grace and dignity all the way πŸ™ŒπŸ½ x

    Lisa Salter Sending you lots of love xxx

    Charmaine Devitt My “F” word is still in place and active for you Lianne. Sending love and blessings. Thanks for the update. You are one special lady 😘

    Janine Daniels Love you gorgeous ❀️❀️

    Lisa Fourie Sending you love and strength πŸ’žπŸ™πŸ»

    Janette Webb Thinking of u. Praying for the best. Sending much love xxxx

    Kirsten Mason Lots of love to you Lianne………..you got this xx

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker β™‘
    Lianne Cawood β™‘

    Gillian Smith Thank you for sharing. Thinking of you, praying for you.

    Nadja O’Keeffe Sending you love and strength! πŸ™β€οΈπŸ’•πŸŒΈ

    Leigh Thomas Special person You! You’ve got this…sending love and loads of it to you! 😘❀️

    Carolien Bosman ❀️

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts And so on the 5th September and to the lead up of this, I will hold you in my heart ❀️

    Corrie Medhurst β€οΈπŸ€΄πŸ»πŸ–•πŸ»

    Geraldine Hartley Lianne Cawood thank you for sharing your journey So intimate and so honest, so courageous. Praying for continued peace and for serenity 😘

    Jeremy G Killian ❀️πŸ”₯

    Ahimsamurti Nicole Kretzschmar A difficult talking point shared with such Grace and Dignity. Your courage is remarkable Dear Beautiful You.

    Karen Murray Thinking of you, ❀️

    Sandra Potter Β· I’m having a second knee replacement done on 4 sept so we can be operation buddies. Both losing bits and getting new bits xxx.
    Lianne Cawood Will be thinking of you, operation buddy ❀️

    Karen Davidson Good luck Lianne – will be thinking of you – you are strong & brave & all will be well πŸ™πŸ»

    Lianne Cawood Thank you all for the love. ❀️

    Susie Pitts β™₯️ β™₯️ this time next month it will be all over and the sun will be shining on you my beautiful friend. Xx

    Lesley Oliver So much love and light coming your way Lihanni. Brave Lihanni πŸ’•

    Kath Anderson Your courage and perspective is f…..g unbelievable – sending you love and hugs and strength and enormous respect for the almighty way you face the challenge of your cancer. You will beat it. πŸ–€

    Michelle Gilder 13 years of you kicking it’s a…. xxxx sending love

    Janine Hunter Sending love ❀️

    Ally Steve Penfold Thinking of you Lianne. Maybe best surgery has come up sooner than you thought you were ready. It will be over sooner. Hope it goes as well as you wish/expect. Lots of love ❀️ Ally

    Jennifer Profrock Bloody hell Lianne, your honesty is literally breath taking, your courage is inspiring! With you in spirit!!!

    Anna Macklin Wow your path is still so bloody challenging on every level and yet you still maintain your grace and dignity… really really inspired by you and your beautiful
    family to try and live our best lives in amongst all the crap ❀️❀️❀️

    Jo-Ann Adams πŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

    Theresa Milne The breasts are so close to our hearts and seem to catch all the spillover emotions whenever the heart starts to flood. Logic, cold fact and rational thinking seem to be on the opposite axis of the polarity we face when having to measure up to these decisions, which are harsh and uncomfortable to say the least.
    Holding you in so much love as you boldly journey to your centred point. May your grief be acknowledged and give way to a deeper capacity for the joy you so deserve. Love always.See

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts Sending you love, Lianne. Lots & lots of it…❀️❀️❀️

    Hazel Neuhaus Love, strength and holding to you beautiful lady. #fuckcancer

    Emma Fae Visser You are going to be just fine! You truly are the strongest woman I know! Beautiful Lianne Cawood ❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀…you are so loved and remember that every step of the way.

    Heather Tristan Admiration for your courage .. special girl xx

    Vanessa Vosloo Thoughts are with you 😘

    Sally Hopwood Oceans of love xxx

    Kim Logan Love your honest Lianne. I’ll be thinking of you xx

    Sharon Schluter πŸ˜˜πŸ’•

    Leanne Angel Braithwaite Li, I can’t imagine what you go through with this journey. Sending love and anything you could possibly need your way xxx

    Shea Albert My beloved Lianne.Rational. Sensible. reasonable. The right decision. I send you love and strength, clarity and energy. Every day. You already have grace, the ability to reason, en endless capacity to love.You are enveloped in love. Everything you feel is valid. Every day. Love and more love
    Lianne Cawood And more love Shea ❀️

    Robin Davey Amazing words Lianne. Can’t imagine how absolutely horrible this is. Much love from Robin X

    Leona Breitenbach You are in my thoughts, as alwaysπŸ’š

    Lianne Cawood β™‘

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