tits up

Things didn’t quite go to plan on titsday.  Damn I love my witty friends. It seems complications can arise with reconstructions. You’re kidding right.  Especially when you’re dealing with one mastectomy from more than ten years ago with radiated flesh, scar tissue from numerous surgeries due to unexpected recurrences etc etc. And one mastectomy from September with no expansion, my call, and extremely thin skin due to the aggressiveness of the treatment. As one should do with a one percenter. Anyhoo, my latismuss dorsi flap used for the initial reconstruction phase on the right had lifted a bit, so needed to be tightened and needed a small implant to fill the space left. There was no space for the smallest implant necessary on the left ‘breast’ to match due to no expansion, my call, on the right, so the old ten year old implant which had to be removed was removed and replaced with some fat grafted from my tummy. Not enough clearly cos I see no evidence of it bar the bruising and the pain. And cos my left previously beautifully but too large reconstructed breast now looks like I breastfed my children with it.  I guess I said I wanted what I had. Didn’t mean it literally though. And the right looks like and feels as if it is bolted to my chest. And has no nipple. Basically I woke up a little underwhelmed. Underwhelmed??? What was I thinking. I always preach about managing expectations and the reality of how reconstruction from nothing is different to simply augmenting an existing breast, how its not a boob job, so why the fuck did I believe it was? After all these years and all this knowledge and all the pain and all this growth. That I believed I would wake up with two acceptable looking smallish breast mounds with two acceptably reconstructed nipple like things, finished and klaar. And therein lies the problem. I so desperately wanted this all to be done, I heard what I wanted to hear, and believed that despite my stylish Canadian plastic surgeon making it very clear he wouldn’t know what he could do until they removed my old implant and saw what they could do to match two very different realities, what they would do. I heard him, but I didn’t listen. I just knew he would do what I needed him to do, because it was time. Because surely this I can control when there is so much I can’t. Like any of the past two years and my uncertain future. Fuck me the chick is a slow learner. Nup. Not time yet. So I’m well, healing and waiting to see how things settle before we do the next step. Because there will be a next step. For fucks sake. But the point is, really really is, I am well. For now. And that’s the best outcome ever. What the fuck was I thinking. Anyhoooooooo. Onwards and tits upwards.

One thought on “tits up

  1. From facebook

    Caroline Chart I have nothing to say except you are bloody amazing and we all have a lot to learn from how you handle anything and everything thrown at you xx
    Lianne Cawood May you be a faster learner than me 😂❤️

    Megan Clausen You are fucking awesome. That is all. ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Fuck. Love you Megs ❤️

    Shelley Hopkins Tits up Titsday!??!! Well done brave woman, you are doing remarkably xx 🖤
    Lianne Cawood Well we tried hey Shelley, titsday it’ll be forever!! 😂❤️
    Shelley Hopkins Lianne Cawood comic relief in the face of adversity at its best 😊😂❤️xx

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    Nadja O’Keeffe You are simply PERFECT in every way! ❤ …. aaaaannnndddd a spoon full of sugaaaaarrrr helps the medicine go down …the medicine go doooooowwwwnnn …medicine go dowwwwwwnnnn …just a spoon full of sugaaaarrrrr helps the medicine go down ..in the most delightful wayyyyyy 😉 (In your case .. champagne is the way forward and remember life it's TIT hey! 😉 ) – BiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiG hugs and love and get better soon! ❤
    Lianne Cawood Love your fabulous wonderful enthusiasm Nads! Thank you ❤️❤️

    Jenny Roth Westoby How frustrating things didn't go as planned. You are remarkable with how you deal with all of this and share so generously so we all can learn a little more. You have GRACE girl xxx huge hugs
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Jenny. Wish I could articulate how it helps me to vent and share. Somehow let’s me make sense of it? ❤️

    Caroline Gayle Forsyth I agree with all of the above….. your attitude and honesty & even gratitude is truly inspirational! Onwards and upwards Lianne 💖
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Caroline. You should have seen what a brat I was on the evening of titsday though 😂😘

    Owen Leed You are amazing.
    Lianne Cawood Uh uh. But thanks and love to you ❤️

    Lee Stuart Lamb Varnfield Think you should write a book ❤️
    Lianne Cawood I can only vent 😂❤️

    Karen Davidson Lianne – wishing you all the best – you are remarkably strong & brave & keeping your sense of humour 🙏🏻✊🏻
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Karen. Lost it a bit to be honest 😂😘
    Karen Davidson Lianne Cawood completely entitled to 😘

    Carolien Bosman
    ❤️

    Susan Smith Aw, you’re beautiful, much love. Speedy recovery. ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Sue ❤️

    Janine Daniels You’re back ! Damn you get your head around shit quickly xxx
    Lianne Cawood This is how I get my head around shit 😂❤️❤️
    Lianne Cawood Ps thanks for the counselling 🖤

    Shea Albert Aaah fuck. Our expectations are like lottery tickets. They keep us hopeful each time. I love you Lianne.
    Lianne Cawood Love you more Shea. And love your analogy. And what is there if there is no hope? There is always hope. ❤️

    Susie Pitts I waited all day to open this so that I could make sure I had a wine next to me to help digest it all. As always, so exquisitely written. An insight into a beautiful mind that is connected to a beautiful body, no matter what. Love you Lianne, you are truly one of a kind. xxx
    Lianne Cawood Ahhh Susie, so wish I was sipping alongside you ❤️ Thank you for these beautiful words and your gentle presence ❤️

    Corrie Medhurst What the beautiful Ms Pitts said! ❤️🤗💪💪❤️
    Lianne Cawood Love you my Medhurst. Thank you for letting me whinge and whine and learn in your presence. There is always hope ❤️
    Corrie Medhurst Love you my Cawood and ditto!!!! ❤️🤗

    Heather McNeice It’s truly amazing what you’ve come through and how resilient you are. You will get there. H xx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks H. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do hey. Even if sometimes we just need to rage, sob and then remember how blessed we are just to be xxxx

    Lisa Fourie Awe sending you love and strength 💜💐
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Lisa ❤️

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Always such gratitude to read your blog. Tits up you beautiful woman 💕
    Lianne Cawood The funny thing is I got ‘tits up’ from my beautiful friend Corrie Medhurst, whenever things go awry she says oh well that went tits up!! Now I say it 😂We have to laugh hey Deb, life is beautiful even when it’s not ❤️

    Adrienne Hoberman You are well and perfect in every way. Much love 💜
    Lianne Cawood I am. Even perfectly brattish sometimes too. 😂Thanks you.❤️

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡♡♡
    Lianne Cawood ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

    Lianne Cawood 🖤 thanks everyone for listening to my ranting. It helps.

    Kim Logan You are well, hooray! From my perspective you are a beautiful person inside and out regardless of your tit status. 😊 love and hugs xxx
    Lianne Cawood Exactly I am well! Love to you ❤️

    Christal Ann Schneider ❤❤❤wishing you lots of hugs beautiful lady ❤❤❤
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you ❤️

    Ally Steve Penfold Can’t think of anything to add to the lovely comments so far. You amaze me Lianne. 💗
    Lianne Cawood Awww Ally thanks. We all are amazing and blessed to live despite the odd hiccup 😉😘

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts Ditto to that 👆🏼❤️
    My mouth just fell open reading your beautiful writing…and there you are, amazing you, just sharing, loving, and getting on with it. So much love to you!!❤️❤️❤️❤️
    Lianne Cawood Love you Jen! And love how I read your comments and hear your beautiful voice in my head ❤️

    Leanne Angel Braithwaite Love, love, love your openness Li. So raw and genuine! I know you are ok, you always will be. Xx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Lee. Maybe tad too open sometimes 😏😂😘
    Leanne Angel Braithwaite Lianne Cawood me too, but that’s what I love about you. Xx

    Kerry Solomon Thank you for another beautifully written, honest account. I think we all do that – hear what we want to hear in situations that are simple, for lack of a better word, shitty. But hell yes, you are well! You are well, and beautiful, and entitled to …See More
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Kerry as always for your beautiful gentle affirming words. ❤️

    Leigh Thomas ..- , ..- you’ve still got this! Heal well girl friend. Love love and more love ❣️
    Lianne Cawood For fucks sake. Are you as bored as I am??? 😂😂❤️❤️
    Leigh Thomas Just at a loss for words from me to you….. 🌺♥️

    Chiquita King Love you and all that is tits up.
    Lianne Cawood Love you ChiquitaKing and still processing our call. You blow me away. So much love and pride and gratitude ❤️

    Samantha Yates Schroeder Ahhhhh my friend.. it’s enough now hey? Bloodyfooookinhellllll…. no words 😳 Love you 😘
    Lianne Cawood Yes for fucks sake! But when will we learn nothing is ever over 😂😂❤️ missing you 😘

    Siobhan Goodwin Praying and watching from afar 💕
    Lianne Cawood I feel you. And I thank you ❤️

    Ahimsamurti Nicole Kretzschmar I take so much courage from you, beautiful one. Sending you a huge big fat hug 💖
    Lianne Cawood Grateful my self absorbed ranting does some good 😂❤️. Seriously I need that fat hug thank you 😘

    Geraldine Hartley May your healing go so well and tits up mean they are at least pointing in the right direction – that’s a great start right?! You are a rare human and we all love you for it.
    Lianne Cawood Geraldine thank you. Always present, always caring. Tits up actually meant it all went wrong thanks to my very funny mate Corrie Medhurst but we’re loving the new rallying cry ‘tits up’!! Great start indeed ❤️

    Nonina Ferreira Wow friend 😘u amazing 🙌🏻💚🕯 all for u😘🤗
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Noni ❤️

    Claire Peters You’re just amazing Lianne. Wishing you a speedy recovery with your precious family.
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you but Im not, we all are everyday in every little way. I just overshare 😂❤️

    Kath Anderson Sjoe! Love and hugs dear Lianne. 🖤
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Kath. Sjoe indeed ffs 😂❤️

    Thabisile Khumalo Tits up you awesome woman! Xxxx

    Angie Barnard-Engelke Brave Lianne xx

    Charmaine Devitt Thinking of you Lianne. 💝

    Hazel Neuhaus Keep going with the brilliant attitude, that’s what gets you through. Much love ❤️❤️❤️

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