you can

It’s time. About fucking time actually. Bizarrely almost 2 years to the day my world turned inside out again. In my last post I mentioned on 13 December we would decide to expand or not. We decided I needed to decide. I decided not to. I want to go back to the size I was. Not who I was because fuck she was a handful, but so were her boobs. And those I liked. Anyhow she doesn’t exist anymore and nor do her boobs. I was told to go away and have Christmas with my family sans expansion and we would reschedule surgery for the new year. So I did as I was told.  January was too soon healing wise, and in February my stylish Canadian plastic surgeon decided he needed a break. So 6 March it is. And not a moment too soon. Fuck me these past two extra months carrying around this uncomfortable unexpanded tissue expander in lieu of a boob has been a tad challenging. But also started to become weirdly normal for me. I became strangely ok with this is how it is right now. Every now and again my bikini top would slip down, not much to keep it up, and no I can’t wear a fake prosthesis cos the unexpanded expander under a very thin layer of skin is damn uncomfortable, or I’d catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, not often I might add, I keep myself hidden from myself.  Just so I can forget for a while. You know that out of sight out of mind thing? It works wonders you should try it. Until I notice someone’s glance linger where there is nothing, well there is something, a weird crinkly something, sort of not nothing but not enough of something. Anyway I catch a glimpse, shudder and think damn must get that sorted. That is not attractive. Should really just have gone free and flat. Nope still not there yet. I like me some boobs. Even if they’re not really boobs. Smoke and mirrors y’all.  Will be very happy to be a handful again. For now. No Evidence of Disease and a handful. Yay fucking me.

So Tuesday my stylish Canadian plastic surgeon will remove the unexpanded tissue expander and fill the space with a small implant and reduce my left previously reconstructed breast to match. He will also do what he does to fashion a nipple and areole out of the back skin on my chest. The only symmetry I currently have is  the symmetry of absolutely no sensation in my chest unless I flex my back muscles, go figure. Now I just want them to match. To sort of look and feel similar, give or take 10 years and much scarring and different surgeons. I’ve given up all semblance of control, sort of, but I love symmetry.  My stylish Canadian plastic surgeon reminded me that they can only do what they can do, but he knows I will be happy. Compared to now.  His version of trust me I’m a doctor. Well I do and I know I can’t control any of it, but I will be thrilled at this finally coming to rest. Bar a blood test or three. And then I can get my next tattoo. ‘You can. The end.’



3 thoughts on “you can

  1. From facebook

    Nadja O’Keeffe Big Boobs ..Little boobs .. or non-existent boobs – you’re always fucking awesome. I personally like the latter (as I’ve always been flat chested – and I really don’t give a Flying F..k what anyone thinks 😉 ) – You personify beauty on every level (difficult or not ) – and whatever you choose – you’ll ALWAYS be fucking AWESOME! ❤ Thinking of you and sending you a mahooooosssaaaaa hug. #justdoit 😉 xxx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you mad woman you 😂😂❤️

    Samantha Raggett ♡ ♡ ♡
    Lianne Cawood ♡ ♡ ♡

    Tamara Duran Bravo 🌈🧚🏻‍♀️🎉👌

    Corrie Medhurst Holding tight my brave warrior friend! You can😘BPS ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Love you Medhurst. Don’t let go. BPS ❤️
    Corrie Medhurst Never ❤️❤️❤️

    Leigh Thomas I just love you girl friend🤪. Funny thing. I love how you put it in words… Thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best for your op. 🌼💋♥️
    Lianne Cawood Thanks girlfriend. Miss you so much ❤️

    Kate Cawood Love you momma xx
    Lianne Cawood Love you my baby ❤️

    Samantha Yates Schroeder I love and admire you so my friend.. as always I wish you weren’t going through this.. but I am so happy that it’s the end of this journey and you can concentrate on just being ❤️
    Suzzanne Roughley Ditto!! Thinking of you amazing lady xx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Sam and Suzanne. ❤️❤️

    Adrienne Hoberman Thinking of you my friend and yes you can.💜
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you 😘

    Lisa Salter

    Shelley Hopkins
    Shelley Hopkins Yay fucking you!!! Titsday can’t come fast enough… You can – love it (0)(0) xx
    Lianne Cawood Titsday!!! Love it!!! 😂😂😘
    Chiquita King Titsday! So perfect 💗😂

    Yvette Puchert
    Yvette Puchert No words…just love coming your way…and lots of it!❤️💕💖💗💓💞💕❣️❤️💘💖💗💓💞💝💕❣️❤️💘💖💗💓💞🧘🏾‍♂️🙏🏻🧘🏾‍♂️🙏🏻
    Lianne Cawood I feel it and I’ll take it and I love you back ❤️

    Alison Newby Fletcher Your writing is phenomenal…but I have told you that before!! Thinking of you and so happy it's THE END! My end is in a week or two when I have my port removed😊
    Lianne Cawood 👏🏼👏🏼 huge love to you Alison ❤️

    Kate Sproule You are amazing! Just amazing!
    Lianne Cawood Not really but I’ll take it today and add to my mantra that has helped me since presenting in uni days … I am calm capable and confident. I am calm, capable and confident. Now I’m gonna say I am calm, capable, confident and amazing! Love that 😂😉

    Kath Anderson

    Kerry Solomon You can!!! You so can!!! I'll be holding you in my thoughts and my heart on Tuesday. The final step on a journey that no person should have to go through. You are brave beyond words Lianne, and I am totally in awe. ❤ xx
    Lianne Cawood Thank you beautiful Kerry. You who are so calm and centred and true. 😘
    Kerry Solomon Lianne not always calm and centred, 😜 but I do aim for true 😘 I hope you're able to have a beautiful weekend. Be in the moment as much as you can. Tuesday will come, and your surgery will go well. Big hugs gorgeous lady. xx

    Sandi Unite Sending love and healing blessings from Knysna. You are one brave warrior. 💚💚🌷
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Sandi. Much much love to you all. We think of you guys daily. Such exciting times with your build ahead. Can’t wait to see what you create ❤️

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts You can. You will. You make me laugh 🤭 Love and light you real and crazy and beautiful human being ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Love that I make you laugh Deb!! ❤️ What else is there sometimes 😂❤️? Love love to you 😘

    Gillian Freimond Rightford To the 6th March 🥂
    Lianne Cawood Cheers to that!! ❤️❤️

    Shea Albert Some thoughts my beloved Lianne. Today is Jessie's 52nd birthday. I will choose a celebration for my Facebook page. I celebrate you every day. And remember her magnificent scars. So are yours. Ogilvy defiantly published and paid for an ad that Dimensio…See More

    Chiquita King Wow💗

    Lianne Cawood I love you Shea Albert and all the mad courageous things we all ever did. I am honoured to share a year of birth with Jessie and her brave fuck yeah mom as my guide. You are not alone and simply never will be ❤️
    Shea Albert xxxxxxx

    Gillian Smith Ever in awe of you! The 6th- I’ll be praying for you. 😘
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Gilly. Love to you ❤️

    Leanne Angel Braithwaite You are a seriously strong, determined, wise woman and you will conquer this. Sending lots of love ❤️
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Lee. Strong and determined I’ll take, wise hmmmm 😏😂!! But thanks and huge love back to you 😘

    Kirsten Kairuz You have an army behind you on the 6th and an even bigger one watching you live life in awe. Yay fucking you 🖤 thank you for the reminders on living just true living
    Lianne Cawood Thanks you. Yay fucking us all!! 🖤🖤🖤

    Lesley Oliver What a milestone you have reached Li. With such grace and dignity. And YES, you can. Big hugs, love and light coming at you. Bring on Tuesday 🖤

    Lianne Cawood Thanks Les, I’ll hold on to them all. Love you ❤️
    Chiquita King Inspiring. All of it. I love you. You make a difference. #clingonforlife 💗
    Lianne Cawood Hi there my little clingon. I love you. Never ever let go. ❤️
    Chiquita King Lianne Cawood 💗

    Jenny Roth Westoby You are an amazing women, an inspiration and loved by so so many. Thinking of you and sending so much love to you and your beautiful family. Xxx
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Jenny. For such beautiful words and your presence. ❤️

    Owen Leed Yay for Titsday.
    Lianne Cawood Yayyyyy for Titsday!! 😂❤️
    Owen Leed A new movement. Ink. I will.

    Siobhan Goodwin Here’s to boobs🥂 Big small and indifferent. But hey, they’ll be yours. Good luck for Tuesday 💕
    Lianne Cawood Cheers you! And thanks ❤️❤️

    Louise Fletcher Such an inspiration! Love the fact that I've been privy to some accidental boob fall out and have laughed together #jumpingoffroofs 😂😂x
    Lianne Cawood Will we ever grow up!! I hope not 😂 And also never stop laughing. Love to you Lou ❤️

    Charmaine Devitt

    Claire Peters Inspiration to us all. What you’ve been through is so fucking rough. So happy to hear your bloods are good. Cheers to your gorgeous new set xx
    Lianne Cawood Love you Clairabelle. As you sadly know my friend, that’s the bit I can’t laugh away. Just grateful for every new day. 🙏🏼❤️

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡
    Lianne Cawood ♡ ♡ ♡

    Janine Daniels … and you do ❤️❤️
    Lianne Cawood We all can. The end. 😘

    Heather McNeice Beautifully written Lianne
    Lianne Cawood Thanks H 😘

    Joanne Warren Marsden You always inspire me with your real and true expression of what you're feeling and going through. Stay so amazeballs (maybe it should be amazeboobs) Li!! Sending lots of love ❤️❤️❤️

    Susan Smith Hope all goes well for you Lianne. Thinking of you. 😘💕

    Lisa Fourie Thinking of you 💕😚

    Siobhan Goodwin Go get em😀

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