hero

I’m so not a hero. Whilst I’m blown away by all the beautiful comments due to my oversharing I really am not. A hero I mean. I’m just really trying my damndest to get through this thing intact. Well intact ish. And to be authentic. I don’t believe in the always be positive crap. I mean obviously be positive. But always be positive? What a crock of shit. Sometimes be sad and own that moment. Sometimes be angry and own that moment. Sometimes be vulnerable and own that moment. And yes fuck it, share it with those who love you. Be authentic. No one is happy and positive all of the fucking time. That is just weird and masks you from real emotion. It doesn’t allow people to let you see them in all their ugliness and glory. But let them be moments you allow, acknowledge and let go. Because being happy and positive is so much a better choice. So I choose to love this beautiful messy life we are all blessed to share. I’m a bit of a quote girl and fuck me I think I’m  becoming a tattoo girl too. On my list of things to do today is phone my oncologist to find out if my white blood count is high enough so I can get a tattoo. I mean really, who is so deep in la la land. Anyway. A quote my girls have heard ad nauseum, you can’t control what happens to you, only how you choose to respond, is how I choose to live my life. The big word for me in this is choose. We have a choice. That is what sets us apart. And makes us us. Why would you choose to give up? To be fearful. To not be positive. I don’t. So the hair thing is really a choice to live my truth. Saying fuck you to this thing. But yet acknowledging it. My hair will fall out. So this is not a new hairdo but a big huge it is what it is. See the quote thing again? Anyway it’s choosing to be light at a not light time. Choosing not to go into hiding.  I wake up and see this strange odd woman looking back at me and I smile. And I feel like a warrior. And why would you not. Not decide to smile. A smile hides a heap of shit but damn it can make you feel good. It’s just a choice. And if that makes me heroic, dammit I’ll own it.

So where am I now. Day 13 of first chemo. They count it in days. Because at roughly certain days you should expect a new kind of hell. So on day 13  I’m supposed to feel slightly less nauseous, more fatigue, the debilitating muscle pains should abate, and my white blood count should improve. All good in the land of hell actually. And just as I feel like me again it’s time for the next round. And that’s next week already. Day 21. When my hair should fall out. Loving the should. Maybe I’ll stay blonde. What a hoot.

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2 thoughts on “hero

  1. This is one of my favourite scenes out of ‘Forest Gump’ – ‘ Life is like a box of chocolates – BECAUSE You never know which one you’re going to get! https://youtu.be/CJh59vZ8ccc
    This is so true! Sometimes to be still in the sadness of the shit that life has dealt one – can be cathartic – Through the tears, the anger and the fear there is a part of us that gets reborn. It’s called the Warrior’s Strength and you will get through another chocolate – until you get to the one that tastes really nice! It doesn’t matter how one perceives you, but what matters is how YOU perceive you, and on an energy level you RADIATE a TRUE WARRIOR, A WINNER in every sense of the word! When I close my eyes at night – I always will say a prayer that the Angels to be by your side and heal you as quickly as they can! Remember you are living every woman and man’s greatest fear and the reality is that this could happen to any one of us! You make me never take life, love, friendships for granted (whether they be old or new) – and for that I THANK YOU! I WISH in every ounce of my being – that you will heal quickly and NEVER, EVER have to go through this again. I know that even the strongest of Warriors cry, and always know that I’m here for you 24/7 and even though I’m far away, you are receiving all my love and healing energy ALWAYS! Nxxxxxxxxx ❤

  2. From facebook
    Jealene Longworth, Joanne Warren Marsden and 37 others
    1 share

    Leigh Thomas Mwah ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 7:25am

    Chiquita King Love you my friend.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 11:27am
    Lianne Cawood Love you back Mrs King
    Like · Reply · May 10 at 4:37pm

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts What a gal 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 3:06pm

    Yvette Puchert Well, Ms Cawood…you’re still our hero…a real life one and we love you..the sad, happy, swearing, no hair, the any kinda Lianne one. That is the one we love🌞🌞🌞the mostest in the world…and, you can say and feel anything and your goddaughter will still think you are her fairy godmother….and that sounds pretty hero-ish to me❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 4 · May 10 at 3:37pm
    Lianne Cawood Awwww Y wish you could see my goofy smile. Love you and tell Chloe my wand still works ish 😂❤️
    Like · Reply · May 10 at 4:38pm
    Owen Leed Hear hear. You are an inspiration.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 5:05pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️
    Like · Reply · May 11 at 5:36am

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ❤️
    Like · Reply · May 10 at 5:25pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 11 at 5:46am

    Samantha Yates Schroeder The tribe has spoken 😊
    Unlike · Reply · 3 · May 10 at 7:12pm
    Lianne Cawood You watch too much reality tv 😈😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 11 at 5:36am
    Samantha Yates Schroeder I NEVER do 😂😂
    Like · Reply · May 11 at 7:28am
    Lianne Cawood idiot. I know. That’s why I said it 😂
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 11 at 7:33am

    Ilona Schreuder 😘😘😘💪
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 7:35pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 11 at 5:37am

    Kirsten Kairuz Love it – the good the bad the real – it all rocks. 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 7:55pm · Edited
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 11 at 5:37am

    Geraldine Hartley Yes yes and yes- all of the above! 👊🏻😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 10 at 8:24pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 11 at 5:37am

    Shea Albert Talking to my friend Mark about heroism. He says it’s in the enormous, impossible, solitary and courageous choices people make in the lives. Each one of us is heroic. Being there is heroic. I had a mirror put up in my house and told the guy there was only one thing wrong. Not much in the insane humour department, he looked very anxious as he asked what it was. ‘Why is there a 71-year-old woman there when I look in it?” I asked.I think he was more anxious afterthat remark. What has that to do with heroic, I hear you cry. Fuck all, but I felt like putting it in. Actually living with humour and grace is heroic.
    Unlike · Reply · 5 · May 10 at 10:29pm
    Lianne Cawood Fuck I love you. And that 71 year old. And agree it had everything to be with being heroic. Living with humour and grace is heroic. You my friend are heroic. ❤️ oh and I also like Mark.
    Like · Reply · 2 · May 11 at 5:40am · Edited

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