mine

I have a fetish for a man’s forearm. A strong forearm with slightly curly blonde hairs I can twist my fingers in. It always does it for me. Makes me feel safe, loved, held, invincible, fragile. And it belongs to one man. B is my everything. I could not be or do any of the crap I have to if it weren’t for him. Just holding me. Letting me be me. Being kind, being tough, being caring, being blunt. I am a fucked up case of normal and not normal, with moments of calm and moments of utter insanity. I think we all probably are, some of us just hide it better than others. I have the best gift of all. Someone I hide nothing from. Someone who really does know the dark and the light that is me. Someone who seems to see the light. And quite like the dark. I’m feeling especially maudlin today you see, because today is B’s birthday. And its a crap time for us. And I just felt i wanted to scream from the rooftops how much I adore him. And how much I know I am adored. But I know the girls would be mortified. So I wrote it down instead. You are the only reason I can do this. I see in your eyes the belief in me that makes me know I can. I don’t know why or how we found each other or what made us make it work, but I am grateful every day I breathe that I have you. Not only because of our two beautiful daughters but because I honestly know that any part of my world without you in it, would just not be. You make me be. You make us us. We are us. We are the only thing I know to be truly real. Happy birthday my angel. I love you. And those beautiful forearms.

It’s been a tough five days since chemo. I have desperately tried to remove myself from the nausea that follows me whether I stand, sit, lie or sleep. I hate the way I taste and smell, I hate the way everything tastes and smells. My body aches, I have sores in my mouth, my head feels trapped in a cave with moss in my pores. I feel so tired, it hurts sometimes to talk. But I can feel the easing. I am woman. Hear me roar.

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One thought on “mine

  1. From facebook
    Theresa Milne, Katie Blake and 43 others

    Tamara Duran Walking through the shops with tears of joy, anger, love as I type. Happy birthday B and to you lianne ❤️👍🏻
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 8:53am

    Nadja O’Keeffe Happy Birthday to your B – your Soulmate! Sending you so much love – I think of you everyday, and send you healing Angels. Feeling relieved that you are 5 days into your Chemo – (You are now 5 down and 5 days closer to the end of your treatment) BIG HUGS Beautiful! xxx ps Your parcel is ready and packed and will be posted in the morning! xxxxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 8:56am · Edited
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:27am

    Geraldine Hartley I am woman hear me sob…thank you for your words that bring perspective, for your courage that encourages and for your B who wraps you up in those strong blonde curly haired forearms no matter how you smell or taste! Happy birthday Brian and to you today Lianne tread gently sweet soul and just be. One day at a time…I believe in you X
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · May 3 at 9:16am
    Lianne Cawood Such beautiful words G. Thank you 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:27am

    Corynne James I read the words of a strong woman who has ‘got this’ your mind is strong with the power to heal, let that and the love of everyone around you just continue to fill you with strength. Your fighting strength is empowering. I know I don’t know you that well but I admire you
    Sending you love and light babe 🙏🏽❤️❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 9:56am
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Corynne. ❤️❤️💋
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 5 at 8:28am

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker To love. A love that makes whole ❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 10:10am
    Lianne Cawood ❤️
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:28am

    Kirsten Kairuz Happy birthday to your B. And Cheers to a constant love that does get you through. The good, the bad and most gratefully the ugly. xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 3:43pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:28am

    Lynda Turner Happy Birthday to your Brian . It is a wonderful gift to be so loved .
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 3:44pm

    Deborah MacCourt Roberts Happy Birthday Brian. Take care Li. Love Deb & Greg 😘😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 4:03pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:28am

    Deborah Sykes Yates Happy Birthday Brian ……. Li …..🙏😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 4:12pm
    Samantha Yates Schroeder Mom.. It’s BrYan with a “Y” 😂 Li says there’s a huge difference between the two 😜
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · May 3 at 5:36pm · Edited
    Deborah Sykes Yates Okay ….. sorry Bryan ……. Would love to know the difference !!!!!🙄😄😄😂😂
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · May 4 at 12:04am
    Janine Hunter Happy Birthday Bryan. Beautiful words Lianne xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 4 at 7:06am
    Lianne Cawood Over a much needed glass of wine Debs ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 5 at 8:29am

    Janette Webb I’m so sorry u not feeling great. Sending much love to u all. Happy Birthday B xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 4:54pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:30am

    Lesley Oliver Happy birthday Brian. Love to you both always ❤❤
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · May 3 at 5:42pm
    Lianne Cawood ❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:30am

    Janine Daniels Here’s to salt & vinegar chips soon my friend. And a happy birthday to you special Bryan Cawood. I adore you both ❤️❤️
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 6:51pm
    Lianne Cawood Piss off. ❤️ We adore you all more xxx
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 5 at 8:31am

    Owen Leed Happy Birthday Bryan!
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 6:53pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:31am

    Ahimsamurti Nicole Kretzschmar happiest birthday blessings to Brian and a wish for comfort for you xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 3 at 8:03pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:31am

    Bryan Cawood Thanks for the wishes guys. And thanks for all the love for my beautiful, brave wife.
    Like · Reply · 7 · May 3 at 9:29pm

    Megan Clausen Happy birthday Brian. Thank you for being you and for loving and looking after our darling friend. You are a rock. And a rock star. Xx
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · May 4 at 3:39am
    Lianne Cawood He is ❤️
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:32am
    Megan Clausen Bryan. 🙄
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 4 at 3:40am

    Kirsten Mason Lianne Cawood…..you are one incredible woman which I can’t wait to meet😘😘😘. And a very happy birthday to your hubby
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 4 at 4:21am · Edited
    Lianne Cawood Me tooooo Kirsten. It’s ridiculous actually. ❤️❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · May 5 at 8:32am

    Kath Anderson Happy Birthday Brian! There is without doubt nothing more comforting than knowing that you have this constant and unfailing source of love and safety surrounding you all the time Lianne – it’s a safety cocoon and it never lets you down and it’s called B. Thinking of you. X X
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · May 5 at 1:24pm
    Lianne Cawood Thanks Kath ❤️
    Like · Reply · 1 · May 6 at 8:01am

    Theresa Milne So happy you are together and such a gift to one another. Blessings to both of you xxx
    Like · Reply · May 7 at 9:29am

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