weird

Being with heaps of South Africans last night made me think. Everyone knows I never wanted to come here and only did so because I was too scared not too.  Scared of being the one not brave enough to embrace the adventure. And because I had no fight left in me. And because B believed so much in it.  And only on the proviso that I could and believe you me, would, be going home in two years time. On the 15 may 2012 we will have been here for 4 years. Well, the girls and I, B will have been here for 4 years and 9 months but that’s another story. I am not sure when being here became easier than not being here.  I think it was the realisation after many trips home that even though my heart will always be in Africa life there is moving on without us. And our life is moving on here. There truly is no going back, and I don’t mean geographically.  So now I feel a bit like I don’t really belong anywhere.  But then as Ilona and I realised last night, I actually belong in both places. And even better I’ve realised I simply belong. Less attachment. My world has expanded. How cool is that.  Not sure how significant this is, but on 15 January 2012, 42 months since we left South Africa, I put my mac to oz time.

3 thoughts on “weird

  1. Wow, thank you for writing this! I’m finding it so hard to let go of friends back at home, even though I know their lives are moving on and forward without me (as they should be!). I am resisting, when I should be embracing. Everybody (whose never done this) keeps talking about the adventure, but it doesn’t feel like an adventure to me! Or maybe I’m just not the adventurous type. Reading your blog reminds me I’m not alone in my feelings, nor ungrateful for this fantastic opportunity. I’m just human, going through something huge. Thank you for writing this!

  2. I am so pleased my sharing is easing you a little bit Kerry. It is a big thing. Give yourself a break too, it’s early days for you. A friend who is now living in the states sent me a wonderful response too which applauded me and her and I now you for instilling an adventurous spirit in our children by embracing this adventure. Change is never easy, but it is how we grow. x

  3. From facebook

    Yvette Puchert, Gillian Smith and 2 others like this.

    Lesley Oliver So right, Li, and beautifully said. After 16 years and 3 months away from Africa, I can honestly say that my sense of belonging is stronger and healthier than ever. Much love, xx
    January 22 at 8:59pm · Unlike · 1

    Lionel Ferreira I understand. My “home” wouldn’t recognize me. It’s been 20 years since I last left, saying goodbye to Ouma that last time. 20 years of growing new memories and a new belonging. Am I American now? No, I’m both. I still talk “funny” to those around me. I think of “home” a lot, it’s so beautiful, but there’s no going back now. It’s like two very different chapters in a book. Glad for both.
    January 22 at 11:54pm · Unlike · 1

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