That’s what Kate said I was yesterday. And the funny or not so funny thing is, I was. And I am. In fact I am completely unplayable. I also always have been. A bit.  It’s what makes you love or hate me. I have always ignited quickly. And often irrationally. And I can be a real bitch. But I had learnt to breathe a bit. But all this fucking around with my hormones has just sent me off the charts. It was already happening before this last recurrence due to Femara, my previous aromatase inhibitor, and my ‘mood stabilising’ meds no longer being effective. But now with all the new crap we have serious lift off. I react to everything with absolute venom and anger. There is no momentary recognition, ok this is annoying but really nothing to react to, there is just simply ape shit fucking hell hath no fury like a woman on Aromasin angry. The thing that really pisses me off though is not that I’m not given some slack for not being me.  Or for being the worst version of me. Nor even that I have to humiliate myself by constantly saying, seriously guys cut me some slack here, I mean cancer. Even I’m bored by that. And the eye rolls indicate so are they. As we all are. The thing that actually pisses me off is that we are even having to be in this space. I have to be on this medication. It makes me impossible. Okay, more impossible. And I know I’m being impossible. But knowing doesn’t change a damn thing, psychobitch cares less. Then I think maybe you can stop doing what you’re doing that makes me become psychobitch even if it doesn’t seem fair. Because fuck it, none of this seems fair. But why should you. And who knows whats going to set me off.  So I feel squarely fucked. I have to be on these meds.  I knew the side effects were going to be beyond challenging. I never really thought they would create a chasm between me and those nearest to me. They are prescribed to give me more time before the next recurrrence and to reduce the risk of new cancer. And I like time. But if we all end up hating each other, is the time worth it. And then there’s all the other shit rattling around in my brain. Psychobitch feeds off that shit. Anyhow before you all wonder if you need to call for help, I’ve recognised I need to. I need to dump all my anger, grief, disappointment, stress, insecurity, unworthiness, uncertainty on someone. Someone who doesn’t love me and really couldn’t give a fuck what I say or do or think or believe. It won’t help me not be psychobitch, I need more meds for that. But it might make her a tad more tolerable. In the meantime, you have been warned. Psychobitch coming through.

3 thoughts on “psychobitch

  1. From facebook

    Samantha Raggett I finally understand why you and my mother are friends!! You both irrationally unleash your fury 😂 x Sending you so much love ❤ a true inspiration 💚 x
    Lianne Cawood 😂 ask her what her excuse is? ❤❤
    Cathy Raggett I learnt from the master!!!! 😳xx
    Lianne Cawood Actually I’m bowing. 😂

    Samantha Yates Schroeder 🙈🙉🙊😘

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
    Lianne Cawood ♡ love you

    Nadja O’Keeffe Well at least you can blame being a ‘Psycobitch’ on your meds – … What’s my fucking excuse….. fucking menopause :P!!!- So as much as I can say that I don’t take your meds, I can say that I hear you sistaaa and raise you 2! (Y) 😉 ps – You have every right to vent and explode – It doesn’t pay rent and it definitely is not good to lock up that anger inside! Love you loads xxxxxxxxxx
    Lianne Cawood Don’t worry nothing is being locked up 😈. It’s the psycho part no one needs. Me least of all 😂❤
    Nadja O’Keeffe But you got to admit that it’s so liberating once it’s all released! 😉 – 😀 – ps I meditate and not even that is helping my mental state! lol 😉 😀 – BIG LOVE AND HUGS you GORGEOUS soul!
    Lianne Cawood The bugger is this is chemically off the hook shit. But I’ll get there. Big love always Nads. ❤

    Janine Daniels Aha ! Now I understand why you insisted on being Satan yesterday xxx
    Lianne Cawood 😈😇
    Janine Daniels Love you angel !!!! ❤❤

    Anna Macklin ❤❤❤❤
    Lianne Cawood ❤

    Geraldine Hartley I read and I listened and I heard – no judgement here. Just admiration for your daily brave no matter the side effects ❤
    Lianne Cawood Thanks G. It ain’t always pretty but we just keep on going ❤❤

    Susie Pitts You probably think you’re being far more psychobitch than you really are, don’t be too hard on yourself. We love all the sides you have to offer. Xx
    Lianne Cawood Love you Suse ❤

    Kerry Solomon Aw Lianne, your writing has the ability to make me cry, and then make me laugh, all with just a few sentences. It’s not funny though – the hell you’re going through with these meds. It’s so damn unfair. Beyond unfair. I hope you find an awesome someone to talk to. Sending you the biggest hug (if that’s okay? I don’t want to do anything wrong and set you off, hahaha!). Love K xxxx
    Lianne Cawood Kerry, stop pissing me off 😈. Seriously thank you for always being there. It’s not really unfair its just what it is. ❤
    Kerry Solomon ❤😘❤

    Dani Hynes X ❤ X
    Lianne Cawood ❤

    Owen Leed Hug.
    Lianne Cawood Felt and needed.
    Owen Leed Sending more. As many as you need. 🌹

    Shea Albert Oh fuck xxx
    Lianne Cawood Hahahahahaha Shea exactly. Oh fuck. Love you xxxx

    Ann Warsop Lianne , we are sending you so much love. Thank you for being so brutally honest on this journey of yours. It’s a wake up call for each and every one of us. Your bravery to show us your soul – not many people do that – and yet that is the very thing that connects us all. The rawness that transcends into pure unconditional love. xxx
    Lianne Cawood Ann so much love back to you. I would feel so disingenuous not to share the harshness too. It ain’t pretty. But life certainly makes one stronger and grateful. ❤

    Lara Killian You know what Lianne Cawood……we all have our days, moments and for this, right now, YOU have a fucking excuse! For everything, for anything, for being more of a psychobitch than normal and all the other shit! We all will put up with your kak cos we all love you!!!! 💙💜💜💜
    ps Just don’t bring the psychobitch attitude to CT 😂 JUST KIDDING 😘love u
    Lianne Cawood Love you back Lara!!!!! Maybe should get Psychobitch or pictorial equivalent tattoo? 😈. There is no real excuse except to say I really really can’t help it. It ain’t me this time its the bloody meds. 😇❤

    Megan Clausen You need to be angry. Fucking furious. Bat shit crazy and seriously pissed off. How else can you process the fear and the grief? It’s understandably heartbreaking and hard, for you and those who love you. But be kind to your psychobitch self. Find that person who can listen to your anger and be lashed by your anger and give you a safe place to vent. You deserve it. Love you Linki 💛
    Lianne Cawood Love you more Megs. Bat shit angry is about right. And the meds won’t let that shit stay down anymore so actually all good. It is needed. We all need it. ❤❤

    Lianne Cawood ♡

    Toni Joyce Love you Lianne. You say it as it is.

    Corrie Medhurst I love that you always share the good, the bad and the ugly about your life. You expect so much from yourself. You’ve literally faced death head on three times now. You’ve given every fibre of your being to fight this last infestation of your body and you kicked its fucking ass again!!! I’d be worried if you were acting normally, even without the hormone meds. Never forget what a fucking warrior you are my precious friend! 😘😘❤
    Lianne Cawood You always know exactly what to say my true warrior friend. Thank you for getting it and me. Although I so wish you didn’t! It fucking is what it is hey? Love love you Medhurst. Be Peaceful Sister ❤
    Lynn Loopuyt Barker Beautifully said Corrie. Wholly in agreement. Strength and love to you ♡♡
    Corrie Medhurst ❤❤❤❤
    Lianne Cawood Love you both ♡♡♡

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