loved

I witnessed an outpouring of emotion in B this week that reminded me how it is so not all about me. Before you comment I really do know it’s not. But we make it about ourselves to protect everyone. And ourselves. If I’m coping or seen to be coping then they can cope too. It never ever is only about us but the one thing I know for sure, cancer, facing one’s mortality head on again and again and again, is a truly lonely reality. One that can’t be shared in its entirety. Not even with those who love you. Sometimes especially not even with those who love you. Not even with those who’ve been there and are still here. Because it’s just so bloody unique. We are. The circumstances are. Your realities are. You are. There is noone, as much as they wish to be there, with you in your head. Which for me is where the battle is won and lost. Your acceptance and willingness and determination to do battle is alone. You dig deep alone. And you hold yourself together. Because you must. Because if you start to cry, you fear you will never stop. I did what I must and do what I have to to carry on. But the depth of despair in those who can’t show you how deeply it hurts and how damaged they are at having to witness you suffer is beyond comprehension. By you not showing your vulnerability because you just can’t, doesn’t allow them to show theirs, which is just immense. To hold someone up, while helping them hold themselves up, by not sharing their real fear, so you can’t share yours is all kinds of fucked up. But all kinds of necessary. For some. Certainly for me. But sometimes the brave face we wear and force on others is so very unfair because whilst it is about us and our survival, it is about so much more. And yet I do still believe, be there in whatever form your loved one needs and when the time is right, let your guard down and show them your truth. Acceptance is a battle well and truly fought alone but within the safety of your presence one gets there a little less scarred. Pun intended.

 

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One thought on “loved

  1. From facebook
    40 like this

    Gillian Freimond Rightford It’s a battle beyond comprehension that, as you so beautifully say, is being fought on so many levels, with so much bravery and so much hidden fear, and through it all, so much love. Love to B and your beautiful girls. Love to all who love you and need you to be strong so they can be too. And love to you for being you so they can be them.
    Unlike · Reply · 3 · October 11 at 6:35am
    Lianne Cawood Love is all there is. (Dammit would make some great lyrics) Love to you Gilly. Always ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · October 12 at 6:12am

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡♡♡
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 6:35am
    Lianne Cawood ♡♡♡
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:12am

    Nadja O’Keeffe Sending love to you all! ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 6:55am
    Lianne Cawood It is everything. Love to you Nads ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · October 12 at 6:13am
    Nadja O'Keeffe Lianne Cawood ❤
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:15am

    Megan Clausen Heartbreakingly true and beautiful. Love you Linki, and all the love in the world to Bryan and Kate and Jem xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 7:09am
    Lianne Cawood Love you more Megs xx
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:13am

    Samantha Raggett ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 7:12am
    Lianne Cawood ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · October 12 at 6:13am

    Kerry Solomon As always your writing gives me insight and awareness. Thank you for sharing. How complex it is for you who is trying to manages and navigate your own emotions and fight your own, very personal battle, and how that then affects your nearest and dearest. Sending love to you all. ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 7:30am
    Lianne Cawood Love back to you K. Sometimes by writing it down I get the insight too 😂. Bugger it all, but it is what it is hey? ❤
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:14am

    Ilona Schreuder Beautiful and so vulnerable Lianne- love your beautiful honest writing 💋
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 8:39am
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Ilona, so kind. Love to you 😘
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:15am

    Adrienne Hoberman 💜💜
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · October 11 at 8:57am
    Lianne Cawood ❤
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:15am

    Chiquita King Love you both. So much. I believe you when you say you're alone. But you are also loved. I don't have words. Most certainly not the right ones anyway. So I'll just love you because you're easy to love. And I can do that.
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · October 11 at 9:20am
    Lianne Cawood And as always you have the perfect words. Love you more ChiquitaKing ❤
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:16am

    Lianne Cawood ♡
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:16am

    Louise Fletcher 💕
    Like · Reply · October 12 at 6:43am

    Theresa Milne Long arms stretching across the waters to embrace you all in a warm loving clutch 🐧
    Like · Reply · October 14 at 4:20pm

    Shea Albert Lianne! Your two previous blogs were 'be' and 'loved" and you are so beloved That underlies and underlines everything xxx
    Like · Reply · October 15 at 12:28am

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