loved

I witnessed an outpouring of emotion in B this week that reminded me how it is so not all about me. Before you comment I really do know it’s not. But we make it about ourselves to protect everyone. And ourselves. If I’m coping or seen to be coping then they can cope too. It never ever is only about us but the one thing I know for sure, cancer, facing one’s mortality head on again and again and again, is a truly lonely reality. One that can’t be shared in its entirety. Not even with those who love you. Sometimes especially not even with those who love you. Not even with those who’ve been there and are still here. Because it’s just so bloody unique. We are. The circumstances are. Your realities are. You are. There is noone, as much as they wish to be there, with you in your head. Which for me is where the battle is won and lost. Your acceptance and willingness and determination to do battle is alone. You dig deep alone. And you hold yourself together. Because you must. Because if you start to cry, you fear you will never stop. I did what I must and do what I have to to carry on. But the depth of despair in those who can’t show you how deeply it hurts and how damaged they are at having to witness you suffer is beyond comprehension. By you not showing your vulnerability because you just can’t, doesn’t allow them to show theirs, which is just immense. To hold someone up, while helping them hold themselves up, by not sharing their real fear, so you can’t share yours is all kinds of fucked up. But all kinds of necessary. For some. Certainly for me. But sometimes the brave face we wear and force on others is so very unfair because whilst it is about us and our survival, it is about so much more. And yet I do still believe, be there in whatever form your loved one needs and when the time is right, let your guard down and show them your truth. Acceptance is a battle well and truly fought alone but within the safety of your presence one gets there a little less scarred. Pun intended.

 

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One thought on “loved

  1. From facebook

    Gillian Freimond Rightford It’s a battle beyond comprehension that, as you so beautifully say, is being fought on so many levels, with so much bravery and so much hidden fear, and through it all, so much love. Love to B and your beautiful girls. Love to all who love you and need you to be strong so they can be too. And love to you for being you so they can be them.
    Lianne Cawood Love is all there is. (Dammit would make some great lyrics) Love to you Gilly. Always ❤

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ♡♡♡
    Lianne Cawood ♡♡♡

    Nadja O’Keeffe Sending love to you all!
    Lianne Cawood It is everything. Love to you Nads ❤

    Megan Clausen Heartbreakingly true and beautiful. Love you Linki, and all the love in the world to Bryan and Kate and Jem xx
    Lianne Cawood Love you more Megs xx

    Samantha Raggett ❤
    Lianne Cawood ❤

    Kerry Solomon As always your writing gives me insight and awareness. Thank you for sharing. How complex it is for you who is trying to manages and navigate your own emotions and fight your own, very personal battle, and how that then affects your nearest and dearest. Sending love to you all. ❤
    Lianne Cawood Love back to you K. Sometimes by writing it down I get the insight too 😂. Bugger it all, but it is what it is hey? ❤

    Ilona Schreuder Beautiful and so vulnerable Lianne- love your beautiful honest writing 💋
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Ilona, so kind. Love to you 😘

    Adrienne Hoberman 💜💜
    Lianne Cawood ❤

    Chiquita King Love you both. So much. I believe you when you say you’re alone. But you are also loved. I don’t have words. Most certainly not the right ones anyway. So I’ll just love you because you’re easy to love. And I can do that.
    Lianne Cawood And as always you have the perfect words. Love you more ChiquitaKing ❤

    Lianne Cawood ♡

    Louise Fletcher 💕

    Theresa Milne Long arms stretching across the waters to embrace you all in a warm loving clutch 🐧

    Shea Albert Lianne! Your two previous blogs were be and loved and you are so beloved That underlies and underlines everything xxx

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