I promise it’s not you. It’s me. I know sometimes it must be hard to be there for me when I block you at every turn. Especially your offers of companionship. You see when I’m alone I don’t need to be brave for anyone. It’s that brave face for the world thing. For my kids thing. Because what choice do I have thing. And it’s not a lie thing. I am that brave face you see. Because it’s in those moments within me that I find the strength to be the person I need to be. It does help to share but some things just can’t be shared. This cancer fight is fought late at night when I rage with the world and cry my ugly tears. And not because Im fearful. I know my outcome is good. I know we got this early enough and we will manage it. But the worst thing already happened. It came back. Or it never left me. And that is what I need to face on my own. With your help. But mostly on my own. It’s where the fight is fought and won. But please don’t stop offering. I love you for it. And sometimes I do get lost inside my mind.
So for those who asked, preliminary biopsy results of my right breast were good, but they aren’t all in. They’re being processed further? Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway I remain quietly confident taking my lead from my brilliant kind surgeon. Today I meet with the oncologist, who my brilliant kind surgeon promises will have all my results, so we can agree how to keep this fucker away. Or blow it to smithereens.