I promise it’s not you. It’s me.  I know sometimes it must be hard to be there for me when I block you at every turn. Especially your offers of companionship. You see when I’m alone I don’t need to be brave for anyone. It’s that brave face for the world thing. For my kids thing. Because what choice do I have thing. And it’s not a lie thing. I am that brave face you see. Because it’s in those moments within me that I find the strength to be the person I need to be. It does help to share but some things just can’t be shared. This cancer fight is fought late at night when I rage with the world and cry my ugly tears. And not because Im fearful. I know my outcome is good. I know we got this early enough and we will manage it. But the worst thing already happened. It came back. Or it never left me. And that is what I need to face on my own. With your help. But mostly on my own. It’s where the fight is fought and won. But please don’t stop offering. I love you for it. And sometimes I do get lost inside my mind.

So for those who asked, preliminary biopsy results of my right breast were good, but they aren’t all in. They’re being processed further? Whatever the fuck that means. Anyway I remain quietly confident taking my lead from my brilliant kind surgeon. Today I meet with the oncologist, who my brilliant kind surgeon promises will have all my results, so we can agree how to keep this fucker away. Or blow it to smithereens.


3 thoughts on “lost

  1. Here whenever you need a shoulder, a punch bag or friend! 👊🏼💕😘 You are adored more than you’ll ever know! I know that you will blow the fucker to smithereens! 💥💥💥💥 😉🤓💥 Big kiss☀️💕💐💐💐🐬

  2. From facebook
    Kerry Solomon, Corrie Medhurst and 48 others

    Gillian Smith You astound me with your capacity for big, bold, brave honesty Lianne. This is courage! I will be thinking about you today, all my love.
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 9:34am

    Susie Pitts Sending love Li, lots of it. xx
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 9:39am

    Owen Leed Xxx
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 9:44am

    Chiquita King Honest. Brave. Inspiring. 💗
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 10:16am

    Samantha Yates Schroeder 🙏😘
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 10:22am

    Jennifer Montgomery Spotts You are amazing…XOXO
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 10:25am

    Kath Anderson You need to write a book – you have an astounding gift for putting words down which make so much sense, which are so rawly honest and inflict no offence, but rather inflict inspiration and encouragement to conquer ones own demons and struggles – no matter what they are. Solitude is cathartic – it’s my best place to be when I’m fighting with myself over the complexities of life. Sending love and hugs.
    Like · Reply · 1 · April 12 at 12:20pm

    Adrienne Hoberman 😘😘
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 12:55pm

    Kirsten Mason You are an inspiration to live by…………lots of love xxx
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 1:31pm

    Geraldine Hartley And so it’s in you feeling lost that many of us observing your journey are FINDing out so much about the raw you and truth be told the vulnerable “us”… I completely get the reality of dealing with the daily journey of life in solitude…(whatever the individual struggles are that this reality throws at each of us) I also love the word solidarity though and so we continue to anticipate a good outcome for you and with you. X
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 2:38pm

    Leigh Thomas 💕
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 3:11pm

    Katie Blake 😘
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 3:24pm

    Nicola Heppell 😘 xx
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 4:37pm

    Yvette Puchert I get it and I have no words that will make it any different after you’ve read them or make you less lonely on this journey of yours! 🌞🌞🌞So, I am sending you no words but all the purest, whitest, most godlike energy to wrap around you, to protect you and hold you up while you travel this road alone. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
    Like · Reply · 1 · April 12 at 6:25pm

    Michelle Taylor Your words are just so Lianne ❤️ Even at your darkest you still throw in your wit which is such a wonderful quality you have 😘☺️
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 6:30pm

    Sandi Unite Hugs and love from us. XXX
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 7:02pm

    Kirsten Kairuz Brave and real – we love you for it
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 7:32pm

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker ❤️❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 8:00pm

    Janine Daniels ❤️❤️❤️
    Like · Reply · April 12 at 8:44pm

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